Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

Feel like I’m going to give in

I have been having homicidal thoughts for over two months now and I can’t get rid of them. The thoughts are all brought on purposefully but I can’t stop thinking about them. It’s like I’ll be having peace and then I’ll think about them on purpose. I can’t label them as just thoughts for some reason and I feel like I actually want to act on them. It makes me so angry and I feel like if I just act on them they will go away except I know it’s wrong and I know it will put me in jail. But my urges feel so real and I just want to think like a normal person again. I want to be able to enjoy hanging out with my girlfriend again and my mom without having the thoughts of stabbing them to death or killing them. I feel like I’ll never get better and that I’m going to act out soon. I just want to be normal, idk what to do anymore. I felt like I was getting better and then these last 3 days have been awful. Idk how I’ll ever stop thinking about the thoughts on purpose. Can anyone relate to this or am I actually losing it??

Harm OCD

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

No you’re not losing it. You are being hyper vigilant by checking and rechecking your thoughts and intentions until you begin to believe the silly ocd thoughts. I know as have lived with this all of my life.

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 It just feels so real

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 Honestly I feel your pain and I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have just began trying to do a little ERP myself while waiting for therapy and have recently changed meds which am hoping will help. Are you receiving treatment?

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 Yes I am, and I have been on 100 mg of Zoloft for about 5 weeks

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 In now on 100mg of Zoloft too and although it’s only been a couple of weeks I’m hopeful it will help.

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 I feel like mine isn’t even helping that much. Maybe it is a little but idk it’s just so hard to escape these thoughts. I haven’t felt like myself since this started

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 Have you tried ERP?

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 Just started it two weeks ago but I didn’t get to do it last week. I have a session tmw and Thursday. Hoping it helps

Space1234

Date posted: 2y

Just want you to know you aren’t alone. I have been dealing with harm ocd since April. It’s the scariest thing I’ve been through. I have had all these same thoughts and felt all the same feelings. The last 3 weeks I feel like I have gotten so much better at recognizing that it’s just OCD. Ruminating on the thoughts/ feelings/ urges will make it worse. As hard as it is you just have to sit with those thoughts / feelings. I have slowly came to realize that it will pass and the more you sit with it/not do compulsions the less and less the thoughts/ feelings come. I know that’s easier said than done but you got this! Hang in there.

Space1234

Date posted: 2y

@Space1234 Mine also targets the people I love the most, mostly my husband. Sometimes other people or myself.

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

@Space1234 It’s so difficult. I feel like it’s impossible to be around my mom or girlfriend without having the thought of killing them pop into my head. It makes me not even want to be around them

Space1234

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 It really is. A few weeks ago it got so bad that I had to stay away from my husband a few nights because it got so bad and felt so real but it does get better if you can practice with just letting the thoughts/ feelings be there. It took me a long time to realize that if I don’t fight it, it gets better. I know it’s hard but the more you do it the better it will be!

Scaredy

Date posted: 2y

This is my current situation and it feels like I have completely uprooted everything I believe in and everything I do I question myself!

Skl25

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’m struggling with this so hard 😔

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

Catlove9

Date posted: 23w

I need guidance or to feel like I am not alone

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

laladracu

Date posted: 16w

OCD is through the roof

i am convinced im a psycho killer. everytime im around my mom or sister i get these intense thoughts of stabbing or hurting them. when they’re not around its not as intense but its still there. its literally on my mind 24/7. im so tense 24/7. were currently looking for a puppy for the family and when me and my sister were playing with them today the thought was still there. nothing distracts me from it. video games and EVERYTHING else doesn’t work. im starting to feel like i WANT to do these things. i was never like this until i had a marijuana induced panic attack in january. i feel like something happened to my brain and its not just ocd anymore. i dont even know if im faking it. i have suffered from relationship ocd, pedophile ocd, and health ocd. i got over those relatively quickly. this new theme came out of nowhere after a panic attack on a plane coming home from a horror convention in february. i dont see a way out of this one. its been months. i try to let them sit and i get a panic attack. all i do everyday is cry. i feel like my life is over. i talk to a therapist and i have tried two medications that didnf work work. i dont know how to live like this. im afraid im gonna lose my relationship and im afraid im gonna lose my whole life ahead of me. im just 22. i just want the old me back.

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