- Date posted
- 2y
Ruminating on intentions
I did something i Think is really bad…. But why? How? Why would i do something that i now find my self having bad suicidal thoughts over. Because of alcohol? It’s shouldn’t change you that much? Doing something and the the next Day thinking your life is over… i know how my Braun works i must have known it would end in this… Am i just so selfish so broken and bad? Do I hate myself so much and was willing take others down in my fall? Did I think it might be okay because my brain is damaged from drinking? Has all this insane guilt from ocd numbed me until I don’t know what’s right or wrong?? I’m so confused it’s like right after I get over an episode I do something to immediately fuck up my entire life, and this time the morning after I think… this is real this is not ocd I did that I made that huge mistake…. And then I go numb straight into reassurance seeking and damage control.. but I’m just numb and start thinking about suicide…. I’m told no one was hurt, but what if they knew my side of the story then they might. Idk I’m honestly just so fucking disappointed in myself I really had a chance for a meaningful good life and I blew it up I think I came out of the womb wrong honestly or at least out of 6th grade wrong Anyways I keep ruminating on all of this, how bad was it, what was my intentions, was someone hurt, should I confess to the person I might have hurt, what my thoughts were? How drunk was I? Am I bad to the bone? Idk i think i might need hospitalization. But im not sure I really deserve any help especially from friends, i feel like a Fraud, like they All tell me im good but they dont know. I dont Think there is any coming back from this, i just smoke weed and nicotine and other things to numb everything as best ss i Can, putting on a brave face but really im seriously considering calling psyk. I don’t want to burden my family anymore and I know if I killed myself I would only cause even more pain which defeats the point of regretting having caused pain. But I’m barely hanging on. I’m supposed to go back to school in 4 days and the person who I may have hurt or at least could have hurt idk is going to be there…. I can’t just pretend, I will just end up getting high everyday and wasting all the money my dad pays for me to go there. I don’t know why I even wrote this, I guess I just need to know if someone relates, especially to the intentions/ doing things you know maybe you’ll regret badly