Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

ROCD and filling up the list of wrong doings

Hello wonderful community, and much love to anyone who is struggling out there. I have a lot of ocd/intrusive thought content in the ROCD theme. A few months ago I wrote a letter to my S/O confessing a number of intrusive thoughts and transgressions in the relationship. Many of them she told me she never needed to know and I would have been better off not sharing ever. At the time this was the paramount list, and “coming clean” was finally getting it all out there and a chance to see if I could move on from the content. Very wrong assumptions. Now, I am filling up that list of transgressions again with anything and everything I can find. I can objectively realize that many of them are inconsequential, or entirely thought based. I am urge surfing a lot, riding a lot of spikes out, and it’s really hard to be in a relationship, be intimate, and be present as I feel very undeserving. Without asking about the content or reassuring, has anyone dealt with this that cares to share skills or ERP tactics that worked? Anyone feel recovered from this? Living a nightmare lately. Anyways, happy to talk about anything anyone is struggling with, hope ya’ll are finding your way to peace with OCD. much love !!

Relationship OCD

LaraW

Date posted: 2y

I completely understand this, I have been doing the confession stuff a lot less lately. So for me, I've realised that confessing doesn't help when it's just thought based stuff. For us, this is obviously a compulsion and for mental and verbal compulsions it feels a lot harder to break the cycle. Like I would want to confess that I felt like I didn't like my partner, or seriously tiny things that felt so triggering, how he sounded, how his hair looked. I've always been so open and honest, I applied the same thing to these thoughts (before fully realising it was OCD). To anyone who doesn't understand OCD it makes one seems like a horrible person. So then as you well know it's the guilt. I think confessing for me came with some kind relief but also it was this anxious attempt to control things. If I tell him he should do (or not do) XYZ then it means we'll be ok. I stopped confessing and instead, first I sat with it (literally on my couch thinking just sit here for a min "all I have to do is sit here"), sometimes it felt too extreme, so I would say, I'm having a bit of a bad time today about X theme, but let's not dwell on it and go about our day. That gave some relief but wasn't a full confession. And I repeat that a lot now I find I do it less and less. Hopefully your partner knows something about OCD too, in the beginning my partner thought oh ok this is fine we can work on our relationship and do he engaged with my triggers and without realising it made them stronger. It's best to not engage with any flaw/fault/issue/perceived transgression if you feel anxious and a sense of urgency. The other thing that works for me is just working on becoming less aware of these things, so accept the thought but then engage in a healthy distraction. I can't tell you how many books and podcasts I've listened to while doing something else, cleaning, walking, etc. Something else I realised is that you feel you need to be away from the person because their presence triggers you and it feels like a cycle. It's of course healthy and ok to take time for yourself. But when you are wanting to be present with your partner but you have all of these thoughts, they don't ruin those nice moments. It's actually ok for it to all be as it is. I used to think it ruined everything and good times couldn't be present with OCD but they can! I'm working on just accepting my partner for who he is (because for context we've been married 11 years and actually have a great healthy relationship and deep shared values) and I'm finding the more uncertainty I can tolerate, the more I let go of how my brain tells me he should be in those moments, the better I'm getting and then I notice the happier he is getting to. Sorry for the long post! Hope that helps.

Joakim

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@TaraLynC Thanks for taking the time to write this

Lucy vs Bad ...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Oh, my word. I cannot thank you enough for this. Especially being triggered by dumb little things like their voice or how their hair looks. And being triggered by being around them and feeling guilty about feeling better when you're not around them and then ruminating on that and going into the compulsion of going online for ROCD forums to look for similar symptoms, like the ones you stated above. Does it ever seem like the more knowledge you gain about OCD tricks, the worse it feels because it's FINALLY being challenged? And does it get better with time and ERP?

Beeleebop

Date posted: 2y

@TaraLynC I love this response! Thank u so much! I really struggle with obsessing over my husbands physical features. I try to control them by hinting or verbalizing that I think he should eat healthier or not shave his beard, etc. Is that me trying to control the situation to decrease my anxiety? For example, If he comes home and says “I fasted and worked out today,” my anxiety goes way down. But if he comes home and says, “I ate so much today,” my anxiety skyrockets. Much like your relationship, he is a wonderful person and we share such similar values. We’ve been together for like 6 years and these thoughts didn’t start til about 1.5 years ago and I hateeeee them.

LaraW

Date posted: 2y

@Bailey101 Yes! I have this too, but I'm happy to say I have it a lot less strongly and less frequently that I used to. I definitely think if you feel relieved when he is doing what you perceive to be the right thing, it is a bit of an attempt to control because of the strong anxiety. This happens to me too. My OCD about my partner/our relationship only happened just over a year ago too. What I realised thinking back is these little things, perceived flaw etc were things i never used to notice. But at some point I think OCD makes us hyper aware of every small thing. The more you resist saying those little hints, I think the less you'll actually notice that stuff and the better you'll feel. It's like if you've ever been bothered by a noisey neighbour, the more attention you pay to the noise, the more you anticipate the noise even if it's low level. I think that's what we do too, we anticipate that next thought. Another thing that helps is to not judge yourself or your thoughts. You're not in control of what pops into your head, don't beat yourself up.

LaraW

Date posted: 2y

@Joakim No worries at all

RuminationSt...

Date posted: 2y

My therapist had a really good analogy for this that is a bit silly, but helped me a lot. Intrusive thoughts are like farts. You wouldn’t go around telling people about the intricacies of your farts, nor would you pay them any credence. You should treat these thoughts the same way. The thoughts happen, you feel them, you move on. The last time I had a really bad thought about my partner, I did this: 1) tell them you are triggered and you feel anxious due to your OCD/ an intrusive thought, but not the exact nature or what the thought was. 2) tell them you understand the thoughts you had have no bearing on your relationship or how you truly feel about your partner 3) explain what you need from them in that moment. This can be space to do an ERP or in my case just to have your hand held for gentle support. 4) do an ERP. For me, this allowed me to communicate with my partner and allow him to support me without going into specifics and allowing the OCD to take hold. This really worked well for me and felt like great growth as I have a tendency and a want to over share.

pickledcucum...

Date posted: 2y

Hey just jumping on this post to ask what ERP exercises you find most helpful in this situation?

RuminationSt...

Date posted: 2y

@pickledcucumber99 My therapist taught me a standard one that I do for everything. It involves using the app and notating your trigger, your anxiety level, and then riding the wave. I admittedly forget to use the app a lot, but I get a lot out of it when I do use it and I’m trying to get better. Then, while I’m riding the wave of anxiety I focus a lot of my body and what’s going on internally. This helps me stay grounded so I don’t spiral more. The more I have done it, the better I have gotten at it, but it definitely took a lot of practice.

LaraW

Date posted: 2y

I really like this fart analogy because it's so true, you don't just yourself when a fart arises. You just have to do it.

LaraW

Date posted: 2y

@TaraLynC *judge yourself

RuminationSt...

Date posted: 2y

@TaraLynC Right? It sounds so silly at first and the more you think about it, the most applicable it is.

Tryingmybest12

Date posted: 23w

My ROCD Has Made my Personal Life Such a Mess

Hey everyone, First time posting here! Wanted to share my story for some support but also to hopefully make others feel less alone. In short - my ROCD has made such a mess of my personal life. I was in a great relationship until spring of last year, at which point we separated mainly due to my ROCD. I struggled heavily with OCD about 10 years ago (harm based intrusive thoughts, sexual orientation ocd, etc). It took a lot of work but I was able to mostly overcome my struggles and truthfully, hadn’t given ocd much thought since then. I thought I was cured. And then 10 years later I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a girl I really love, but at about the year mark in my relationship things really changed. She wanted to have a conversation about next steps (moving in, marriage, kids, etc) and at that point my brain just went into panic mode and the ocd took over. From that point on, I was constantly scanning for red flags, felt very reserved when it came to any sort of statement or commitment and tended to avoid anything that would indicate I was committed to a long term future. It was not that I didn’t love it was just that my ocd was doing anything to keep me from making a big commitment. It eventually got a point where we had a big conversation about breaking up or staying together and my OCD convinced me that it was safer and that I would do less harm to her if we ended things, which was incredibly devastating to me. At the time I felt like my obsessing over small red flags were normal and that I needed to protect myself. I just had no clue it was ROCD. I spent the next 8 months missing her and kicking myself for my mistakes, and I eventually got the courage to reach out and see if she’d be willing to talk again, which she was. But the problem is, at this point I still didn’t know it was ocd. So when we talked again I was still plagued by ROCD as all the same thoughts and feelings came flooding back. We tried to talk through things but once again I was unable to make any sort of commitment to the future so it went nowhere. Once again, I am feeling very sad and angry at myself for not being able to handle ROCD. I feel like I let it control me twice and has robbed me of a lot of happiness and hurt someone I care very much about. I understand it’s probably not best to just look at ourselves with anger and guilt all the time but it’s hard not to when you feel like you just caused so much harm. Anyone feel like they can relate? Or if anyone is going through something similar I am happy to chat as ROCD can really be tricky. Thanks

Anonnnnnm

Date posted: 23w

Please help (ROCD)!

I have been battling ocd for over a year now and it likes to switch themes. Currently, it’s attacking my relationship with my girlfriend who I’ve been with since I was in high school over 10 years ago. It first began as an intense feeling that I have to leave or break up with her over dumb little things. Then it changed into a lot of guilt for having any thought about another girl. And the worse is feeling this intense guilt for past things I’ve done in the past while in this relationship. We were so young and I was teenager, but I often found myself watching porn, fantasizing about real other people in my life, and getting off to other girls that I may have known. When I was younger I didn’t think it was bad and that it was just a normal teen boy thing, but 10 years later I have so much guilt about it. And yes I’m with the same girl now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I know I love this girl and I’m ready to propose to her soon. Anyway, these past mistakes I did when I was younger make me feel like a cheater and I can’t stop ruminating about it. I feel like I have to admit every detail and person I’ve ever had a bad thought about. I feel like if I propose to her and don’t tell her everything, that I’m a lair and didn’t give her the full picture. And the other day one of the girls I thought was hot when I was younger, came up in convo and I just went downhill. Now she knows I deal with OCD and she is very supportive, I’ve told her before that I did some bad things, but never all the details. And that’s all my brain keeps telling me to do. I have so much tightness in my chest and just want to be able to breathe again. But everyone says to not admit or it’ll reinforce the cycle, I’m just not sure how everyone else does that. And at the same time, maybe I am a cheater and just simply a bad person. Idk! I never cheated physically or anything like that, but my past mistakes feel like I did. But again I may just be a bad person! Please if anyone has advice or is dealing with similar things, I’d appreciate the help!

Relationship OCD

truespartan48

Date posted: 22w

Struggling with potential ROCD

Good morning. Anyone struggle with ROCD? When I think about what I have done in the past, I feel immense guilty (I feel the tightness in my chest) and have the urge to tell my partner about it, even if my partner says she doesn’t need to know if it is going to hurt her and that I need to talk to my therapist about it first. Any suggestions on how to manage the urge/urgency? Thanks!

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ROCD and filling up the list of wrong doings

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