Anxety abt Revealing my relationship to parents

This is certainly a tough one. I personally feel for you as I also had a bad, traumatic, and abusive childhood. I’m so so greatly sorry you had to go through all of this and now have to deal with all of this baggage, none of which is your fault and none of which you should blame yourself for. Are you willing to be any more specific about what your culture is or your current ages? You could be 13 you could be 25. I have no idea what the specifics are here. I’m wondering if you’re at an age where you’re a legal adult and don’t need their permission anymore. Can you cut them out or greatly limit contact? Is that what you would want? Is your relationship with them different now that you’re a bit grown? I think that a lot of traumatic things happened and my guess is you’re having trouble getting starting with processing all of them and doing all the work that you need to do to move on as much as possible. The easiest answer is going into therapy and being in it regularly for a long time. These are some really deep cuts and wounds and healing takes time and work. The guidance you need to get to healthy resolutions is sadly, unlikely to be found on any forum like this because there is nothing we can say that will give quick answers to these problems. They need to be addressed, discussed in depth, worked on, and put away in a healthy way. Also, typically in these cases, victims (you) have some thoughts and feelings that need to be addressed and treated as well (you’re at fault for something, the world is bad, there is something wrong with you, you hate yourself, . . . the shame, indecisiveness and numbness you mentioned probably isn’t the whole list.) A good therapist can help you do all that. ERP therapy is the best and only answer to how you progress with ROCD. The skills and methods there are helpful and good. But they take time and effort. Exposures can be tough but they will work if paired appropriately with the skillsets that you learn. ERP is the gold standard of care and ROCD is unlikely to improve with regular talk therapy or giving it time. In fact, both of these can make OCD and ROCD worse. Once you’ve finished ERP, processing the past may be best addressed in regular talk therapy. You can also look into CBT- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling and in so much pain. This is brutal. I’m also sorry that my post here is lacking in direct advice, which is probably what you wanted, but the answer to long-term sustainable progress isn’t anything I can write in a few paragraphs. It’s putting in the actual work with a professional who is good at their job. I will give you some simple (yet effective) advice for right now and that is to be more of a friend to yourself and treat yourself as gently as you can. If you are beating yourself up, blaming yourself, or getting frustrated for having these thoughts, or if you’re partaking in negative self-talk, please try to notice it and stop it. If someone you know was having a terrible time and really down, you’d likely go easy on them, be kind and to try to give them some breaks; you deserve the same treatment and respect. Focus on your self-care and staying in the here and now. I’d be happy to converse with you further.

Thank you for that reply. Having read through both of your posts on this thread a few more times, I’m actually a lot less worried about you than I could be. From reading your posts, your intelligence, your awareness of the depth and breadth of your situation (and its impact on your mental health), your insight to the roots of your issues, your skills with self-research, your outlooks, and your treatment-focused desires are all startlingly apparent and impressive. I think you have a really good head upon your shoulders and you’re very aware of what’s healthy. You also seem to know where you’d have the propensity to get stuck. You may need guidance and skills, sure, but I’m not seeing anything to indicate your adoption of concerning habits. Given that, sifting through your issues with a professional could actually be a much smoother process than it would be for the “average person” and that’s really good. First, I’d recommend that you try your best to quash your fears of it ever being too late to fix your relationship (or yourself.) While I don’t know specifics of what you’re doing that you feel would be damaging to your relationship, I do think that you have the skills to recognize if you were actively harming your relationship or pushing him away. I’d talk with your boyfriend if things are too hard right now and ask for patience while you take some time (and maybe space) for self-work. On that topic, does he know all of the current struggles you have? Does he know the trouble you’re having working through all of it and how much you’re struggling in the day-to-day? Being honest with him and using him as a source of support could be helpful for your relationship. He may have some advice or thoughts that you haven’t thought of and keeping an open flow of communication may help you cope. Going into a discussion about ROCD with him isn’t necessarily something I’d advise you to do, but keeping an open flow of communication about your parents and letting him know where you’re at is probably wise. You’d get advice and know where he’s at with the issue, and you’d let him know where you’re at, too. Does your college or university have a counseling center that you could go to for help? My university had one and it was included with tuition. Once I started going, I went regularly and never had to pay. Worth looking into. Once your insurance starts up, I, again, think therapy would really help you. I encourage you to think about any obstacles that may come between you and the help you’re looking for (obstacles may be time and your parents.) If NOCD accepts the insurance, Zoom therapy would be wonderful as you wouldn’t have to travel. Your ERP could be done from your bedroom. I have a little more to say and a few more thoughts, but it is 3:27 AM here. I’ll get back to you later today. =] In the mean time, take a deep breath and try to give yourself some credit. You’re doing all you can within your power to move forward, and that is highly commendable. I can relate to this feeling of not knowing how to move forward and it’s really tough. I’m proud of you. None of this is easy or fun.

I've spoken to a counselor at my school in regards to this (general discussion, nothing specialized because, again, lack of insurance), but he too mentioned how he thought I was very aware and how that was good. I don't know what good it does me to be this aware of my issues and still lack the capacity to act through some progressive action to the extent that I can. I recently read somewhere that sometimes people who are aware, while it is good, have to be careful to not intellectualize their problems, and now I get anxious about doing that which is why I agree that a professional would be best to help guide me through all this. In terms of your mention of adoption of bad habits, I feel like I could be susceptible to that and have been because of the environment I have grown up in. I can see it in many different ways and all the bad habits I pick up only come up against the people closest to me (for example being easily irritated or angry with someone close to me family wise when I normally wouldn't be to a friend). Even in my relationship, I feel like I have absorbed all the bad from the example set by my parents and now I have let it seep into my life and relationship. I've taken so much of my boyfriend's time (years) and I often feel like I do not put in the same energy and effort as someone who has been patient and supportive for so long. It's like you said, I do recognize when I'm doing something wrong, but I just don't know how to do it right. He does indeed know my struggles, perhaps not how my day to day goes to the fullest extent (he struggles to understand how depression and the intrusive thoughts impact me at the level that they do as it's hard for him to grasp it ever becoming that bad, most likely because he possesses a lot of emotional and mental resilience but if I say it can happen to anybod he gets defensive, so I don't particularly enjoy pushing that matter). I have been honest with him, I just don't want to ever feel like I'm being manipulative. I don't want my every issue to weigh on him because I feel like my only contribution to this relationship is all the damn problems I bring. And yes, my school does have a counseling center and I do try to go every here and there to the particular counselor I mentioned above, but unfortunately it's not exactly as specialized as therapy. Anyway, as you have previously said, the degree of the questions I have and answers I seek supercede this forum, but I do, once again, thank you for your detailed reply and willingness to read through my dilemma kind stranger.