POCD, P***, real event, anxiety 18+

I'm constantly trapped in the past. Having bad ruminating episodes about what I did in the past. They still bother me, but I'm bothered by my present now. I feel like a horrible person constantly for my porn addiction. Its worse because I've seen content that I wasn't supposed to see. Nothing illegal of course, but it was paid content. The only thing I struggle with not repeating is this addiction and I can't help but beat myself up over it again and again.

@BigGip09 You are not a bad person for having an addiction. Have you gotten therapy to help? It’s not worth beating you up over something like this; it can only get better by working on it. I hope you get the help you need ❤️

@TPD I've gotten counseling for my anxiety but not my addiction, no. I've brought up my use of porn at one point but it wasn't a deep dive to really talk about it. I just hate that as I was surfing for this one person I managed to find something that I shouldn't have, even though these kind of leaks are all over the place. It doesn't make it better though, nothing about this is fine, so I just feel horrible for this.. I've been trying to work on it for years. It's not linear but it's gotten to some improvement I guess..

@BigGip09 It might be worth it to get some help for the addiction itself, at least to lessen the weight on your shoulders. Dunno if that’s possible or if you wanna do it; this is just my two cents. And look, I’m not condoning anything you did, but it sounds like what you did is mainly accidental or as a result of your anxiety. It really is just a matter of living with that happened, and learning to move on. I’m sorry this doesn’t help much; but keeping doing ERP and resisting compulsions, and over time the guilt will lessen. You are not a bad person.

@TPD I'm still trying to get help for the addiction somehow since it's a deep rooted pain that needs to go away. I don't condone any of the things I did when I was a teenager AT ALL. I hate all of the things I've done around those age groups but I also hate that I was exposed to anything like this at the time. Now when I watch porn I try my best to keep myself from finding anything that may have people who look too young but sometimes it just comes up anyway and I'm left disgusted. It's stuff like this that makes me think I should just avoid any sexual thing from now on so that it doesn't happen anymore. How do I do ERP for this?

@BigGip09 Yes, I understand. However, again, you were a teenager, and what happens when teens are exposed to a bad thing? Sometimes unintentionally, they seek it out. Abuse victims end up in toxic relationships, for example. And it doesn’t sound like you’re actually seeking things out; it sounds like you’ve made an effort to stop, and your anxiety is taking over. As for ERP, again, a therapist would do this better than me, but it sounds like you need to identify a hierarchy of fears. For example, I used to struggle with POCD, so I wrote down things that mildly triggered me—the words child abuse, spending time around children—and worked up the scale to my biggest fears, watching people condemn pedophiles online and hearing horror stories involving child abuse. Start by identifying mild fears and work up the scale. Then slowly expose yourself to these mild fears, all the anxiety to settle, and don’t interact with them. For example, maybe this is just the words “underage porn”. (Don’t actually do anything illegal, obviously, but get as close to your fears as possible.) Then each day slowly work up the hierarchy. You may want to search up ERP online to see if anyone has better advice, but yes, this is basically how to do it. The important part is not interacting with the horror. Let yourself feel your guilt and shame. Eventually it will fade away when you stop giving it attention. Good luck, and feel free to ask more questions if needed.

@TPD I've only interacted with ERP by accidental triggers and the anxiety came up strongly. As a teenager I didn't have the knowledge about porn or much about sexuality and I still remember the deeply regrettable things I've done and seen but I'm trying to let go of it because I'm an adult now. I still have the issue of porn but I can still break away from it. Starting from 18, I've had a lot of false memories about my porn use but I'm just trying not to ruminate about it, even if I get scary feelings about it. I've never ever ever intentionally harmed a child and I don't ever plan on things like that. I've worked with children in the past and while there were bad days and times where my thoughts got really messed up, I went through with it. Not that I'd want to do it again though. So is ERP going to bring acceptance to the thoughts I have and will it diminish the thoughts for good? Do you think low self esteem and low confidence play a role in this too?

@BigGip09 Because I don’t know you, I can’t say for sure. However, I do know OCD, anxiety, and low self esteem kind of work in a circular motion. When my anxiety is high, OCD inevitably tends to pop up, and my self esteem falls; when I have a low self esteem, OCD and anxiety pop up; when OCD is at its worst, I get anxiety and low self esteem. You get the point. They work together. So, you know, it probably does play a role in what you’re going through, as well as that “deep rooted pain” and exposure to inappropriate things you’ve mentioned. If you’re anything like me, then you’ve probably already felt a sort of sensitivity to this topic, and OCD sensed it and decided to exaggerate it. Though again, you aren’t me, so I can’t say for sure. ERP is most definitely going to hurt. I don’t believe in comparing traumas of any sort, but that’s the reason I firmly believe that OCD is one of the worst illnesses to have: you NEED to probe through the most painful parts of yourself to reach a place of understanding and self acceptance. I’ve genuinely felt years of my life waste away as I search through false memories and fear and try to find who I am inside. But ERP is helpful, you’ll find, in the vast majority of cases. All the time, no. But a lot of the time. And my medication—it’s not an extremely common medication, so I won’t name it, but it helps with my OCD, anxiety, and chronic pain—is kind of like a boost. When I was at my lowest, extremely suicidal, that medication kept me alive. I don’t know if that’s something you’re willing to try, considering just how bad you seem to feel about this, but know it’s a viable option, despite the stigmas around it. Again, though, the medication is nothing without ERP. It’s crucial to expose yourself to your worst fears using the hierarchy I mentioned above so that your OCD brain begins to think, “Hey, they’re not so worried about this anymore, so I guess there’s no point dwelling on this topic.” I know it’s hard, and I’m sorry, but ERP is the way 99% of the time. Other things might keep you afloat, but ERP is what will drag you out of the water. Also, I promise you don’t need to tell me you’ve never hurt a child. I understand why you said it, but even when people admit to horrifying thoughts in this forum, I never believe they are actually dangerous people. OCD makes you so horrifyingly moral that I would have been utterly shocked to hear that you hurt a child in any way. Of course your porn usage isn’t exactly healthy, but then it’s an addiction; what addiction is ever healthy? Again, ERP will help, and hopefully you work to help your addiction too. I wish there was an easier answer to all this, but hopefully you can look back a few years down the line and realize all this pain and guilt means nothing in the long run.

@TPD Thanks for the helpful words. It really does give me a lot to think about. I guess I'll just have to look more and more into ERP and thinks that I know would provoke anxiety within me. I remember the times I've tried ERP but it wasn't frequent enough to have an effect. I have one of two probably though: I either don't know where to start with looking up ERP hierarchies or I'm just too scared. Plus, I have thoughts that keep convincing me that I hurt a child at my job when I know I had zero intent to do such a thing. It just involved me trying to take a watergun from a kid but since he had such a grip on it I let him have it. I was a little mad that I kept being sprayed with the watergun but I know I didn't want to hurt him or anyone there, that's horrible. I'm just trying to say whatever to the thoughts. I guess I'm gonna start with looking up ERP tutorials. I also feel like if I do get over these false memories or real events and they go away I'll still be bothered by something else that pops up following my thoughts so this is what's best.

@BigGip09 I’m glad you’ve got your next step planned out. It’s true that OCD will try and get you to worry about something else, but the good part is once you know how to deal with it, it’ll happen less and less. ERP is hard, but it’s so worth it in the long run. To be honest, I don’t even blame you if you wanted to hurt that kid. Don’t get me wrong, I would have raised a brow if you’d slapped him. But I have experience teaching kids, and the number of times I want to slap them silly is… wow. But all parents will tell you they’ve felt the same. Our thoughts aren’t what matter, really. Our actions are. OCD might try and tell you that your anger made you do something bad, but like you said, you need to shrug it off. Reasonably I feel like you know the truth. So does OCD. But it’s just that we can’t remember every detail of our life, so OCD will twist that to convince you that you’ve done something wrong. I’ll attach some helpful links and resources below. These aren’t perfect, but hopefully they’ll help: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/ocd-treatment/erp/ (An intro to ERP) https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/self-help/ocd-its-not-about-doing-exposures-its-about-how-to-do-exposures/ (A little extra help) https://ocd-free.medium.com/how-ocd-interacts-with-pornography-addiction-c44342cd67eb (An article I found about porn addictions in connection to OCD) https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/769cda/anyone_else_here_have_a_porn_addiction_the/ (Not very helpful but thought it might comfort you to know about others out there w/ a combo of addiction and OCD) https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/ocd-exposure-hierarchy (A very basic picture of a worksheet you might use with ERP; you can obviously make ur own in Google docs or Word) https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/heres-what-to-do-when-ocd-strikes-unexpectedly (Help for the middle of a bad OCD episode) https://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/how-to-defeat-ocd-by-surrendering (A therapist’s advice for dealing with OCD) The Man Who Couldn’t Stop by David Adam is kind of a look at OCD from a scientist’s perspective AND an actual sufferer’s perspective. Not really helpful so to speak but at least it got me to understand my mind. You can probably find more resources online but this is just a guide that might help you a little more. Good luck!

@TPD This is so helpful. I wasn't expecting all of this but thank you so very much! I'm gonna use these resources as best as I can. You're really a huge help in this! And as for the kid, heavens no. I wouldn't want to ever slap a child because they're simply being children. That's just wrong to me. Sometimes it can get a little overwhelming and I do agree that parents have been upset with the behaviors of their children and had thoughts of taking it out on them but they never ever would. And you're right. The anger I felt makes OCD seem like it was genuine and I wanted something to happen but I'm just giving it a "whatever" reaction, since that's the key to beating this. I would say reasonably I know what's going on but I guess the part where it feels real and that I don't know everybody of the past is what makes me ruminate. All I can do is be sure of what I do in the present and that's it. I can't think too hard about the future or the past. In the end, I'll take a look at these sources. You've been an amazing help.

@BigGip09 It’s no problem. I hope everything goes well for you. Please reach out if you need more help, and remember that we on this forum all know you’re a good person. Good luck! 💕

Thanks. I guess it helps to know I'm not alone but at the same time I'm sorry you went through that as well. It's not fair. I feel like I should've known better at that young age but I just didn't. I wanted to know about sexual topics at that age through trial and error but I just went about it all the wrong way. All that porn I watched didn't help me but I didn't know better like I do now. Sigh. I'm gonna try and refrain myself from the ruminating

@BigGip09 I see that we share the similar intrusive thoughts. If you want, do you want to share contacts?

@Watermelon🍉 I'm not sure. I've done it a few times but I worry. On the other hand I think it'll help me but I only talk to people 19 and above. I'd just get uncomfortable and disturbed if it's someone underaged. I hope that's not offensive

@BigGip09 I understand! I just wanted to ask since you are someone that has similar subtypes as I do. And don’t worry, I’m not underage, I’m 19 about to be 20

@Watermelon🍉 Oh okay. I'm 21. I think it could be nice to chat with someone going through the same things. I'm just not sure what app we would choose.

@BigGip09 Which one do you prefer? I don’t have insta tho

@Watermelon🍉 Discord is all I can think of. I'm still getting irregular worries about all this for some reason. I wish this had a messaging feature though.

@BigGip09 Unfortunately I don’t have discord, do you have Snapchat? If you feel worried about this, then it’s ok not to share contacts. I hope you feel better 😊

@Watermelon🍉 I just Snapchat but I bad experience with it. On one hand I wanna give it a shot cus it can help me and I can make a new friend but the anxiety is just irrational. If we can't find anything then I found follow you on here. Do you have anything else?

@BigGip09 How about phone numbers? I understand the anxiety, I also feel/think irrational all the time making it hard for me to make online/real life friends

@Watermelon🍉 Yeah it could be social anxiety on my end too. I get overwhelming thoughts about situations and I get thoughts that make no sense and they make less sense when trying to explain it to people. Are those all the apps you have? Maybe I can get one you have

@BigGip09 Umm, we can use TikTok? They have a messaging feature, not the most convenient but it works. I don’t have any other due to having social media anxiety and Twitter scares me. I also have GroupMe since I use it for college

@Watermelon🍉 Or email? I know Google has a chat feature

@Watermelon🍉 I don't blame you for being scared of Twitter. I don't use and there are some super scary things that can be found on there. Google has an email feature and Google Hangouts which I think is still available. I haven't used that in years. TikTok, I don't like at all. I refrain from using that as much as I can.

@BigGip09 I understand, then we’ll use gmail! My gmail is: eg72973@gmail.com

@Watermelon🍉 For Google, Gmail and Hangouts go hand in hand so we can talk in that app. :)

@BigGip09 Ah, ok!

@Watermelon🍉 I just tried to install it but it didn't work so I guess they aren't updating it anymore. Sorry about that. I was about to send you an email though. :)

@Watermelon🍉 Like Google chat right? Sorry, I’m a little confused 😓

@Watermelon🍉 I think I can try downloading Snapchat and give it another try. Do you have any other apps? If not I can just download Snapchat so we can talk

@Watermelon🍉 It was called Google Hangouts which was an old messaging app I used but I think Google Chat is the new one. Sorry for the confusion :(

I guess that helps. I just feel like my addiction has taken my to bad places that I don't want to be in but have little to no control over. My current relapses make me feel like complete shit and I constantly feel like a fucked up consumer for these relapses when I want nothing to do with it deep down. It's hard to be compassionate about stuff like this.