Self Sabotage in a Relationship

@444co It’s relieving knowing someone is going thru something very similar to me. I’m really sorry about that, and I know how difficult it must be. It’s hard because relationships are already hard enough as is, but to have constant fear and doubts ab ur relationship is another level. It’s hard bc it’s not even my bfs fault, I feel like it’s mine bc of never dealing with my past relationship traumas, and fears. I hope it gets better for you 💕

@relatablethoughts omg same. i have a lot, a lot of relationship trauma and i’ve found this relationship has been much more peaceful but at the same time so hard for me bc i’m trying to unlearn all these toxic habits and mindsets, and i feel so bad when it comes to him bc i don’t mean to act the way i do or respond the way i do, it’s just i don’t know any better bc i’ve never been in a healthy relationship before. i hope it gets better for you as well! we’ve got this tho, it’ll take time but we’ll learn healthy responses in due time 🫶

@444co I agree and appreciate you for responding. I’m the same way, it’s hard managing because at times I feel like he’s too good for me or he deserves better because of my thoughts, but at the end of the day, they’re just thoughts and I can’t let them control me. We both deserve to be happy it seems, so I think it would bring us joy to put those thoughts to rest 💓 have you been tested for ROCD? I’m trying to get tested for it soon bc I’m pretty sure I have it.

@relatablethoughts anytime! but exactly, they are just thoughts they don’t mean anything, we are not them. we 100% deserve to be happy tho! but i haven’t, im currently undiagnosed but my goal for this year is to finally go see a therapist and psychiatrist and get this all sorted out so i can start to feel better and have a sense of relief

@444co yes we deserve peace for sure. it’s good knowing I’m not alone. And I’m undiagnosed as well, I’m looking for a place to go to get diagnosed, but it is so expensive and I’m broke. I’m hoping there are a few places near me that will talk my health insurance. I’ve been in therapy for 6 years and with my therapist for 5 years, however she doesn’t specialize in ocd at all so I have to get diagnosed and perhaps find another therapist on top of the one I already have. I wish you luck on your goals as well!

@relatablethoughts it’s honestly a relief knowing i’m not alone, it’s sucks for the both of us ofc but i’ve been going through this and i’m like no one understands, so nice to know someone does. but exactly, that’s why i haven’t gone anywhere bc it is so damn expensive. but thank you! i wish you luck on your search!

@444co thank you, and you as well! yeah these prices are really humbling me. I wish you well :)

@Acrasia I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I totally relate to you especially the last thing you said where you worry if it’s not rocd and u just don’t want to be with him. I’ve been worrying ab the same thing too but think of it like this. even if it isn’t ROCD it’s prolly just bc ur an overthinker and self sabotage when life gets good. Happiness scares me bc I always think there’s a catch. Even if it’s not ROCD (same goes for me) it doesn’t have to be a disorder or have a label for it to be because you’re overthinking or a big deal. It still matters and has the same amount as value. I ask my bf the same thing and he says it’s okay even if I don’t have rocd bc he knows me and my past and knows that I overthink a lot. So I fear that as well, but you prolly know yourself better than anyone else. If you think you have it and need to get tested like I do still, then go with your gut and push yourself and make that step for yourself.

@relatablethoughts Thank you, I’m afraid to talk about this to him now. I don’t want to use rocd as an excuse for my behavior, and the last time we argued- he didnt take it well when I mentioned ending things again. He said that if I do, he’ll just say yes. I will try to get help, but it’s pretty difficult when my country doesn’t have any ocd therapists. NOCD isn’t available in my country as well. I hope we’d get better

@Acrasia I hope your bf responds well because I’d he cares about you, he will be understanding. And oh that’s difficult I’m sorry. Luckily, there’s a lot of online resources like this one for you. They provide therapists on here, it’s just pretty expensive so that’s why I’m trying to find my own resource that covers my insurance.

@relatablethoughts Can I ask when did you noticed that you have rocd? And what other compulsions you’ve done? If that’s okay.

@Acrasia I feel like I noticed when I realized I kept thinking about the same thoughts over and over again a bit after the honeymoon stage. Not because of him but just because of my fears. They say you usually have ROCD when you’re in a healthy relationship which I am in now because you’re afraid to lose that. Some compulsions I do are I end up telling my bf each detail. Luckily hes understanding and reassuring. I also look up videos to make me feel like I’m not alone. I journal too but journaling is good. In the end, the compulsions aren’t good for me which sucks but I just do it until I know I’m getting professional help and diagnosed.

@Anonymous Thank you for sharing that with me. Its nice knowing I’m not alone. Are you guys still together if you don’t mind me asking? How did you overcome everything? I know these thoughts aren’t bc of him and it’s not his fault, it’s just hard bc this is my first healthy relationship and I just feel like such a bad gf for having negative thoughts here and there.

@relatablethoughts Don't worry, I feel the same way. And yes, we are! He knows everything that's going on with me and he supports me so even with all the thoughts I've been having we decided to still work through it together. I haven't been able to overcome it yet honestly, it's been really hard. I just keep reminding myself "If I didn't care this much, I wouldn't be fighting this hard"