feeling stuck

my therapist suggested that some of my less bad rocd intrusive thoughts are actually mine, and not intrusive. She ended up taking it back when she saw the alarm on my face and saw how panicked I got. I feel really freaking anxious. We were only talking about it because I mentioned a lot of doubt surrounding those less bad ones, but it only filled me with more doubt. I don’t want those thoughts to be mine. I really don’t. I feel scared and so discouraged after this session. I feel scared about the worst thoughts, what if those aren’t intrusive. I feel so much doubt.

So hard to not engage the thoughts because even though it's from the "past" (i don't even know if im remembering things correctly and it kills me) and i can't change it, I just NEED to prove it to myself that it didn't happen this way. If you'd asked me questions maybe a few months ago, I would have been able to lucidly explain things. Now I just feel like I'm in a constant swarm of thoughts, not knowing if anything is real. If my brain is to be trusted. Wish I could just get hypnosis to forget

Or thought-stopping, or suppression. I'm new-ish to OCD treatment and recovery, and I understand and believe that I'm living with this condition, but I still don't *get* it sometimes. I don't immediately click with what other people are describing. For example, when my therapist suggests using mindfulness techniques like naming something in my environment for each sense (something I see in this room, something I hear in this moment, etc), I'm thinking, "is this thought-stopping?" because I'm using the technique to get out of an obsessive spiral and redirecting my attention outward. Isn't that a good thing? Is it thought-suppression *every* time I try to change the subject in my mind? How would you describe "thought neutralizing" mental compulsions to someone who doesn't get it? (ie me lol)