ugh

Ii spoke w my bf this weekend and he mentioned that he has thoughts just like me, but his don't bother him like me. I then felt a lot better and he tried dissecting one of his thoughts like I usually do and realized it felt more real for him after. That made me realize that none of my thoughts were ever true and I blew them up. However, yesterday I had a thought ab “wait wut if you liked that one guy? How dare you bc youre supposed to love your bf and not secretly like someone else” and treated it as I usually did bc I accidentally wanted to see if it was true but didn't rlly but I would check to see if it was there and now that thought feels so so so real now and I feel really bad how do Ik it's not real? I feel so bad and guilty bc lividly this makes 0 sense but it feels so prominent. It felt pretty real when it happened yesterday too. And now I feel awful bc how is it possible after my clarity the other day? Why does it feel so prominent 😞😞😞

Every 30 minutes I spiral about something different. It’s exhausting. Right now I’m freaking out because I was finally feeling a little calmer, got on TikTok, and saw a post saying that comforting a guy or giving advice to a guy is considered cheating. Or “microcheating.” And so many people in the comments were agreeing. My OCD already gives me so much crap about having guy friends and comforting them during hard moments. Another post said that even giving advice when a guy texts you his problems is wrong, and like, I give advice so often. That one really struck me, because how on earth is that unacceptable? There was also a part about how hanging out with a guy is cheating too. I don’t really agree with that one either, but I guess I can understand that perspective a little more, especially if your partner feels uncomfortable with it. Still, it just added more fuel to the fire. I already doubt myself constantly, and then I read a comment that said, “*If you do any of that, all I’m hearing is ‘I’m a microcheater and proud.’*” I just started crying. I haven’t been able to sit with the uncertainty of whether I’ve been unfaithful or disrespectful to my boyfriend for months. Especially since my guy friend has given me comfort and advice too. Everything I do feels like cheating. ***Everything***. And seeing that just made it all feel so much worse.

just been to therapy and i was explaining my contamination ocd and says i don’t diagnose ocd but this doesn’t seem severe enough? so now im spiralling am i just lying to myself and im just a freak. does she mean my other ocds aren’t real either? i’m just honestly so upset. need advice please im just spiralling so much i take medication for ocd and basically have every symptom and subtype of ocd:(