Feeling lost

I have actually thought quite a bit about this and basically I realised my fear was actually about trying to live the life I promised younger me that I'd have. I watched my mum put everyone first as a child. My parents had a rotten relationship, there wasn't any level of intimacy or kindness. They were together for the kids. My mum Stuck in a life that I don't think she ever wanted. I promised myself I'd never have that. That my life would be full of adventure and putting myself first. Realtionships hold a lot of routine, safety, compromise. So naturally I want to reject it. but my mind is telling me that not the real reason and I'm lying to myself. I feel that I fail myself and missing out the life I deserve and this thoughts really killing me inside! I just want to be alone and free , loving myself and take care of it don't let anyone else sharing the love of myself with me and no one save me except me ! I want to experience love only in my imagination at least until I meet the perfect one . I don't want to be in a real rn or settled , have a normal life . I'm not capable of giving or receiving love with him that's too much for me..but the possibility of it to be an issue letting me hold on while it doesn't feel like that !