It’s happening again..

My ex & I have slowly become more serious and had a talk about how we can handle conflicts better. My guilt is starting to come up again about things from the past. I mean we didn’t officially date til end of 2020-2021 and then broke up in the beginning of 2022 due to my ocd bringing up every single thing I have lied about in our past and he got mad b/c I lied so he left me for being dishonest. Well, I remember small things I did when we were not together AT ALL and he once told me if there was anything else he should know I should tell him and I can’t tell what he needs to know and doesn’t need to know? I already confessed TOO MUCH. I mean so damn much. And all of the confessions were when we didn’t even date officially & he had done a lot of stuff too. It’s the details that my ocd is latching onto and feeling the need to tell him. Like for example, the time I attempted to make an onlyfans and gave up after an hour cuz I didn’t wanna risk it (and thank god I didn’t do it I would have regretted it badly) or the time I broke into a pool with a couple of guys we know and my friend and went “skinny dipping” I just was in my underwear and bra. It’s like do I need to tell him all this info? PROBABLY NOT. His whole thing with me too is he won’t tell me stuff b/c he knows it’ll hurt me so it’s best to just know yeah stuff has happened but we don’t do that anymore so let’s let it go. YES. That’s what I want! A normal brain would think that & that’s what I would think. But my ocd is itching to tell him every damn thing so that way he can fully determine if I’m worthy enough. ITS FUCKING MAKING ME SAD. I hate it. I just want to keep things for myself and I just ducking can’t. And I have not mastered this confessing compulsion at all. I’ve resisted with my bestfriend who I used to literally steal clothes from when we were like 13 but I can’t help but confess every other thing. It makes me so anxious to the point that I can’t function unless I spill my guts. And then I lose everything by doing so. Ugh idk what to do.

Relationship OCD

maritza11

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I was the same way. Confessing was the only way to relieve how I felt and every time I did the more often I did it. Now out of a relationship I find myself calmer about it but I pretty much try to think about if it’s necessary to bring up and how it would make the other person feel if I said it and sit in the discomfort of the guilt I feel if I don’t say anything at all. It can take days or weeks but the more you fight the guilt the worse you feel.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@maritza11 I think being out of a relationship made me calmer too but that’s cuz I wasn’t in one. But I want to be in one. It’s what I’ve always wanted and it’s a drag knowing no matter who I end up with, I’m gonna want to confess so much bullshit. I don’t want to feel like I have to be out of a relationship to not experience the compulsion.

maritza11

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Completely understandable. When I would confess I definitely would say it was my ocd and we would talk it out. There were times I couldn’t look my partner in the eyes or be around them because I was so scared I was going to say something I definitely tried to lean into my thoughts more and tried so hard to see the bigger picture of how it would make them feel and what would come out of confessing. I knew I would feel guilty but relieved once I confessed and that’s the compulsion part. I would maybe try to write out what you’re thinking and maybe try some meditation and accept the thoughts as they come. It’s so hard and I’ve been doing exposure therapy for over a year and I still struggle. I struggled with rocd my entire 2.5 year relationship whenever I finally got over one thing another one would take it’s place and it was exhausting.

h4aling07

Date posted: 20w

i need help :( guilt and confessing compulsion

okay so, i had this friend i met in the 8th grade when i was 13 when we became friends and my nickname for her was “red” and i had a crush on this friend before we became friends and once we became friends the crush faded away and i just grew a close platonic friendship with her and no longer has any crush or attraction or romantic interest in her. then i got a girlfriend named lisa in the 8th grade also and we were all friends and hung out but that summer going into highschool lisa broke up with me, we dated only for 2 months so you know it wasnt a big deal. and my friend “red” she and my other friend lana we are a trio and they helped me move on from that. then i started 9th grade (my freshman year of highschool) and i went into this year thinking i was gonna stay best friends with this trio but we ended up splitting paths but me and my friend “red” always had a more special bond in the trio we were like the duo because we trauma bonded and dealt with mental health problems. and in the end of my first semester i fell in love with this girl named riley (who became my 3 year serious relationship) and i love this girl so much i met her when i was 15 and she was 14, me and riley (who is my current partner) were very toxic during freshman sophomore and junior year. she was very insecure over my ex from the 8th grade who i didnt care about because she was my first girlfriend. and she was also very insecure over my friend “red” because she was my best friend during the time i was with my ex and she reminds her of my ex for some reason. i still wanted to be friends with “red” at the time and we would get into numerous fights about that. she would control me and who i was friends with and said i couldnt be friends with her and i felt so awful and defeated bc i had a close bond with this friend. she then gave me an ultimatum of either her or my former best friend and i chose my partner obviously but she was so in her head i think that she still broke up with me for like 3 days and that day she broke up with me i had to go home with her since she was my ride home and i was broken and she was obviously angry and i was crying while we were walking out of school and then she stormed off without me all upset and my other guy friend and his girlfriend saw me and went up to me to comfort me and asked what was wrong and i told them she broke up with me and then my partner yells my name very upset from across the street comes back and grabs my arm aggressively and drags me past everyone very aggressively and angry while telling me to stop crying because her mom is going to be upset and ask questions and i felt so bad. we got into the car and i had to try my best not to cry and my partner who was visibly upset a few seconds ago just completely smiled at her mom and asked how her day was with such a happy tone of voice and i was completely in shock. hours later since we were broken up i texted my former friend “red” (the one who my partner broke up with me over) and told her i needed emotional support that reyna had dumped me and i needed a friend. and she came over and talked to me. that was all nothing romantic. and then 2 days later my partner says we are back together and i was happy but felt guilty because i hung out with my friend who she dumped me over. Now years later im still with this partner after many splits but we are finally healthy and healing and shes been super supportive and there for me and loving during my recent journey discovering my ocd. i have been confessing over and over many past mistakes or things i thought were mistakes. i last confessed something on monday and ive been feeling better and relieved after confessing up until yesterday when i remembered a past mistake (which was what i just shared) and now i cant stop ruminating on it and feeling guilty and feel the need to confess this to my partner but i learned that confessing is my ocd compulsion and if i give into it ill be feeding my ocd and not breaking the cycle. but im also feeling conflicted on if i should genuinely let her know and confess because i feel what i did that time was wrong but i dont want to give into my ocd but also what if i basically cheated on my partner by doing that and if i tell her that i did what i did even tho i didnt cheat but i told her i never liked this person even tho i had a crush on the former friend and tried to get my partner to let me keep this friendship because its not like i like her romantically which is true i dont but i used to. so i feel like i betrayed her even especially by hanging out with her so now i dont know if i should tell her or if its my ocd and i dont have to share absolutely everything especially if its in the past. i dont want to lose my partner and im scared if i keep confessing it will ruin our relationship and drive her away but it will also make me lose myself and my own privacy and also feed my ocd and compulsions but im scared if i dont confess ill never stop thinking about it and i will feel like im lying to my partner and like i cheated and i wont be able to enjoy the good moments and the present because im stuck on my past “mistakes” and now im scared ill have the end my relationship to feel better but that will hurt me more but im scared if i stay im just going to try to avoid my partner in fear ill confess or feel the urge to confess every time we speak. i dont know what to do im completely lost this is the hardest thing ive ever dealt with and i have a lot ive dealt with in my life already. im barely 17 i havent had a year of a break

DannyO507

Date posted: 18w

I need help

So I have been struggling with the same theme of ocd for 4 months now. My ocd centers around past events/false memories that ocd skews to make seem bad or it twists my thoughts on what my intentions were. this is related to cheating or being weird while I have been in my amazing relationship. I have never cheated on my partner and never will and I believe it is wrong. But my ocd is telling me other wise. I love my partner so very much and I would never want to hurt him but my brain is getting to me. I was getting better. I was trying “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t”, I have been back on meds and in therapy and I stopped confessing random interactions from years/months ago about 1.5 weeks ago and it really helped. But now I woke up this morning and feel the pit in my stomach again. I feel extra critical and like why would you do this? What does this say about you? What was your intention with this? And I’m just stuck mentally reviewing and ruminating on everything you could imagine. I know my personality and I know in the moment maybe I did find them attractive but mainly I was just being nice or funny or even just a good friend, but looking back now I’m like “was it flirting?” “Why did I still snap this person” “why would I even talk to them” and stuff like that. I feel this intense sense of guilt. I have told my partner everything that I keep getting stuck on and he didn’t care, he said he understands or “that’s a little weird but it’s okay” and hasn’t missed a beat. He said eveything I’ve told him is normal and I’ve heard that from my friends too. I just really need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so disappointed because I thought I was gonna be done with this, so why am I still so worried and caught up in this.

str4berrycoo...

Date posted: 17w

stupid things i did when i was an older teenager

since one of my biggest fears/events of my reocd happened (not the way i thought it would happen!) i've been healing and understanding a lot of things (like the fact i was the one being abused in my old relationship) but thanks to that my ocd has been trying to launch on a new event and i don't know. i was in a cut and off relationship with my ex three years ago, this happened when i was an older teenager and really confused. during the time i cut off momentary with him i started to get compliments and cute messages in an anonymous confession page and used to post them replying in a playful way or just with genuine curiousity. the thing is, i got with my ex once again in secret for the last time but honestly i'm realizing lately that i didn't love him anymore and being with him made me feel terrible but i wasn't strong enough to leave him once for all. i didn't tell any of my friends about this because they hated him (for a good reason) and i was also disappointed on myself for this. he pushed me a lot make it public and i would say to him a lot of times that i wasn't sure. the thing is, that i still got that type of messages on that anonymous confession page and still publish them on my profile while being with my ex in secret, but eventually i stopped doing that. then i finally left my ex (was horrible). but since what happened to me, i cant stop thinking if that was cheating – it was cheating? i'm not sure anymore and i feel like im going to have a relapse.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

It’s happening again..

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community