18+ I think I know where my POCD comes from now

POCD, adults only And the answer to that is pornography. I hate that I have to keep talking about it but I think getting it off my chest would help me a little bit. I'm still trying to get away from p in general and before this relapse I went a week without it. I felt really good but urges overwhelmed me and I found myself disappointed. But what makes me more disappointed is the disgusting suspicious stuff that seems to come up so easily when I do search for videos I want to watch. My searches never have anything to do with the bad stuff that I get and YouTube along with DuckDuckGo seem to always find some heinous shit around every corner. I saw a thumbnail of a video that sexualized a character with a mod who is clearly underaged and I'm just saying to myseld why the actual fuck would you upload that to a public site for people to see. That left me disgusted and straight up mad. I hate that I keep running into stuff like this and it's most likely the cause for my POCD and intrusive thoughts surrounding this matter. I just hate how I could be looking up an attractive adult woman I like only to find the complete opposite: An underaged character that somehow is caught up in the bunch. Like, that shit is gross and I try to avoid that stuff as best as I can but somehow it just seems to crawl out when I don't expect it. It's disgusting. This is mainly why I wanted to quit watching this stuff in the first place and I hope one day I'll just leave it for the rest of my days. I've seen other posts about this happening to people on other sites and in POCD forums and it's really sick. I feel bad for people struggling with this stuff in similar ways than I am. I hope no one else will have to go through it either.

albj7777

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Our world is so over-sexualized it’s disgusting. I struggled with porn for years and hated it just like you. The solution for me was to tell someone about it. You have to have accountability. Also, it sucks but with the internet the way it is even on sites like YouTube something will trigger you. You have to really cut out as much internet as you can. Finally, I’m not sure if you are a person of faith or not but I have to rely on Jesus as well. I couldn’t change on my own.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

I guess I'll have to start practicing my faith again because I don't know what else I could do. I have a support group about this stuff and I talk to them about these things. We work together with the best we can with tools. What sucks so much is my thoughts convince me that I'm a p*** because of stuff like this and I can't stand it. Deep down I know I won't ever do something to intentionally hurt a child, but at the same time, I prefer not to be around children because I know that's just gonna make my thoughts spiral. I know my attractions haven't changed but my thinking has. I guess I'll have to do this the hard way and cut down on the Internet as a whole. Maybe even video games since there are huge triggers there as well. It's mainly what my relapse focused on.

Drew92

Date posted: 2y

Hey biggip! I’m sorry you’re going through this :( it’s so tough and annoying. Definitely I think it could be from the videos. I wanna say majority of my thoughts are because of p videos from my past and other sources like true crime vids and documentaries. You are not alone at all. It seems ocd doesn’t blend well with such things. If you can reduce the amount of time you watch, or find other ways to satisfy those urges without too much p, I think it can help. Please take care and do something fun today :)

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

Hello, Drew. I'm not feeling too well because of the shame and negative thoughts that I'm expecting because. It feels like I don't really believe in myself too much but I'm trying to practice my coding assignments. Just been feeling confused about a lot of stuff.

Drew92

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 If you feel shame, try to have some compassion for yourself. We all make mistakes and it just shows how human you are. I’ve made more mistakes than I’m proud to admit, but we can move on from this!

EndOCD!

Date posted: 19w

I feel so guilty

I’m worried about times when Child P*rn or suspicious porn videos have come up in the past. I tend to use Twitter for porn and it’s not the most moderated app out there but I was never looking for videos or pictures or anything related to that. Unfortunately stuff still has popped up and I’m just worried about if my reaction was perfect because I have intense POCD I want to say it’s nearly as severe as it can get so I just feel as if I remember times when something suspicious came up and I stayed for a moment to make sure I wasn’t attracted or maybe left and came back to be sure I was safe and didn’t like it and I’m afraid this counts as seeking out or engaging in illegal content that would get me in trouble. I’ve never once looked this stuff up and anyone who creates saves distributed or likes this stuff I believe deserves prison time for life but I’m just so worried that I didn’t react in the way I should’ve I’m 20 years old so I’m relatively young and I’m jus worried about what this means about me any one else deal with anything similar?

genicrop09

Date posted: 16w

21+ only

TW: porn mentioned When I was younger around 18-19 or maybe younger, I stumbled across some porn labeled as 'teen'. I don't remember if I watched it or get scared away by 'teen', but I then searched for porn something like '18-teen years old', I wanted to make sure it was legal. Now I'm spiraling that I did it because I wanted to see someone younger. Or what my intentions could possibly be? It happened for once or I cannot remembered searching something similar ever again. I've always preferred bigger more masculine men, but why I did that then? I had active porn addiction since I was 9 or I'm afraid younger, watched some things that I regret watching... And now I'm 23 and don't watch it all for like 3 years, because I found out that it was unethical. When I was little I preferred BDSM porn and everyone was very mature and I did not watched anything questionable with real people, but some weird fictional stuff, but didn't like it. Now that I remember this I'm very confused and don't know how to continue living with that. I'm just done...

BigGyro09

Date posted: 21d

Something happened 21+ ONLY

So I just took a trip down memory lane and it felt great. It felt like things were better in that moment and it just reminded me of the one thing that's been keeping me down for so long. Adult content. I had a bad relapse that led to shame that it still there. I think before it used to be a lot worse but it's still bad feeling this. I hate adult content, yet I feel like it keeps possessing my mind like poison. I've been making posts like these for years and it sucks that this is still affecting my quality of life by a lot. There were really bad taboos that I remember going through when escalating and I just hit one that was pretty awful. This never feels great to deal with in the long run yet it keeps repeating. I went on a binge of searching through wildly taboo contents that I deep down don't like and am against, yet I kept browsing anyway. I hate how much I remember of specific things that I remember. I just wish I could cleanse all of it from my life. To just go back to the time where I wasn't exposed to it all at such a young age

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18+ I think I know where my POCD comes from now

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