struggling

really struggling tonight because i got triggered by something and started doing compulsions almost as soon as i could (bad, i know). what’s so frustrating is that during these compulsive “fantasies” i feel nothing. literally nothing. i even try so hard to make them as “desirable” as possible to give it a “fair shot” but it’s still nothing. despite that, though, the doubt doesn’t leave. the anxiety doesn’t leave. the idea that i’m wasting my life by refusing to figure this out as soon as i can doesn’t leave. at this point, i know it’s ocd, but i can’t shake the feeling that i have to keep doing this. i know the subtype doesn’t matter but it all feels so real. i’m so disappointed in myself but as much as i tell myself to let it lie and continue living life, i can’t. this feels so monumental. does anyone have any advice on how i can keep pushing through with treatment without relapsing like this?

Username: Winchester2004

Date posted: 57d ago

Take it day by day. Keep living by your values. Accept the uncertainty

Username: ocdgirl123

Date posted: 57d ago

@Winchester2004 thank you. i’m trying to accept uncertainty but it’s still so hard. i hate this disorder so much

Username: ada110

Date posted: 57d ago

Accept that you will sometimes give in, and be kind to yourself when you do. Honestly my experience has been that doing the non-response feels completely counter-intuitive, like my brain doesn't make sense of it as the right response in the moment at all. But I remember what I'm meant to do, and it's getting easier, even if I've heard it a thousand times before and yet in the moment I just want to give in to a compulsion. Ignore that 'instinct'. In time you will see, when the urgency, the anxiety passes and you get some distance from the thought that, no, you didn't actually need to do the compulsion. You can live without it. It's tough; if it was easy we'd all be easily cured. Keep going and be kind to yourself.

Username: polishgirl

Date posted: 52d ago

I feel u