I can’t stop thinking

I did something bad in December, something I’m trying hard to forget and love last. Something I took responsibility for. Yet people are treating me like I was the only one involved. I was completely water during the entire thing, The guy who was involved, he had a gf and was also driving so how drunk he was we have no idea, yet we still ended up having sex. I took full responsibility, I was drunk I shouldn’t have done it, but he was not as wasted as me so he should’ve said no. He should’ve right?! I messaged the girl, told the guy to tell her as well, I tried to sort it out. But everyone has blamed me entirely. He is getting away with it Scott free. Still with his gf, nobody blames him, all my friends have blamed me. Anyway, I met his best mate that night and we hit it off so well. We’re still talking to this day and he makes me feel so good about myself. We wanna meet again and everything but we live far away from one another. Anyway, I messaged my best mate with a concern, she was a tiny bit blunt about what I was actually concerned about and then started talking about how the whole situation is dangerous (me sleeping with his mate while drunk. I also I wasn’t speaking to him at this point I’d only met him but her point has made me feel like I couldn’t speak to him anymore) and that I should be careful. I’m now sat here like do I need to tell him? That’s kinda his best friends decision no? I don’t have any reason to tell him about a mistake I made in the past. I wasn’t dedicated to him, I was in a seriously bad place, it was a mistake I’d take back in a heartbeat. If that’s something his friend wants to do then fine, but why me? I’ve done everything and this guy I slept with sat there and watched me do it all. This group of girls, I’ve known them for years, but during this entire thing I was fully to blame for everything. Didn’t matter how drunk I was, the situation was treated like I was sober. Even the fact that my friend left me in town alone with this group of lads, was my fault. Drunk alone in town. I was then blamed for letting her go home alone, when I didn’t. Anyway, my point is, I’m feeling so incredibly guilty and all I wanna do is enjoy my time with this guy I really like and forget that what happened ever happened. Just like the guy has done. He’s still with his gf, he’s still enjoying life, yet I’m here feeling like I can’t speak to the guy I’m currently speaking to anymore even though he brings me nothing but joy. Do I have to tell him? It’s not something I feel is relevant. A part of my life I pushed aside has been brought up and now life is getting hard for me once again. I wouldn’t do it again, I don’t wanna bring up my past with him. That’s a part of me I wanna push aside. But people are making me feel like I can’t. am I allowed? Am I the bad guy? Am I the one that doesn’t deserve to be happy? In my head the answers to some are yes. I’m scared you’ll all agree. Idk what to do I just wanna enjoy my time with him and if further down the line it’s brought up explain the situation. I feel horrible my days are hard. Idk what to do

oye_nemo

Date posted: 2y

I don't feel right saying who's necessarily right or wrong in the situation though I have my own opinion, but when it comes to deserving happiness... You do. You deserve to be able to move forward and be happy. If you don't want to tell your new partner about it, don't! If you do, do. It's not something that impacts your relationship with him unless you're projecting it onto him or feel it's a significant enough event to you that he NEEDS to know. But ultimately it's your decision; you don't owe anybody that part of your past. It's for you to come to terms with, and whether or not you want other people involved in that process is up to you. And regardless of any idea of right or wrong, a genuinely recognized bad decision or mistake doesn't take away your right to be happy. Everyone is bound to do something they're not happy with or agree with in retrospect, but that doesn't mean they become unworthy of happiness. Again, I don't feel right imposing strict moral standings of right or wrong because I will never know like the entire story from all perspectives, but regardless of those things, you are still someone who deserves to be able to move forward with your life and no conflict like that can take that away. I know one response doesn't fix these sorts of thoughts, though, and I genuinely hope you find yourself at a point where you can feel it all for yourself. :]

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@oye_nemo Thank you. There is nobody who’s right or wrong in this situation and that I know. I’ve been made to feel like I’m the only one who is wrong. But anyway, your comment has made me feel better. I struggle to know it’s my own life, I struggle to see I deserve happiness and move forward. I don’t feel I can make my own decisions, that’s something you’ve made me realise I am allowed to do. Truly your comment brought tears to my eyes, being told the things I should know makes me realise how much I let the world around me tell me what to do. I try to realise the things you’ve said on my own, but it’s like I have to be told it to realise I’m right. I’m scared of these thoughts, truly I am. I just wanna be happy

gl0aming

Date posted: 25w

the guilt is all-consuming, advice needed

so, i’ve talked here before about the discord community i used to be in. they were rpg servers, there were adults and minors both in the community, and while there were rules against NSFW, jokes were definitely still made and lines were crossed. i was 19 at the time, and though i’m fairly certain i never made and explicit sexual jokes or remarks, i was still there when others did. my best friend did make suggestive jokes, and i still laughed. i didn’t leave. i feel guilty and tainted and like this is the end of the line for me- i have a following and an online career, and it feels like all of that is going to go up in smoke, because i didn’t realize that being friends with young teens as an 18-19 year old could be weird, or risky. i feel like this is proof of every bad thing that i’ve worried i am. if i could be there, and be okay with all the things that were said and joked about and just ignore them, what else am i capable of? i love my life, and my family. i don’t want them to see me as a monster. my mom thinks i’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but i don’t know if i agree with her. i’ve looked at other cases of people who have been cancelled for being inappropriate around minors online, sending inappropriate photos or making jokes and their entire lives go up in smoke. Is that me? they’re labeled every horrible thing under the sun. did they just not think? I don’t know what i’ll do if people believe that about me. my worst fear feels like it’s coming to life before my eyes after lying dormant and tugging at the back of my mind for almost 4 years. I fought the urge to re-read old chats for that long, but i finally gave in, and while i still haven’t found anything i said or did that could be considered incriminating, i remember new things every time the last worry starts to settle. I tried to log back into old instagram accounts to check old chats there, and remembered i’d already deleted them in a panic, so now i’ll never know, and it feels like the fact that i felt guilty enough to delete the accounts at all is incriminating enough. I don’t think i can ever move past this. i don’t deserve to be here- i’m actually a monster, and i ruined my life before it even started.

str4berrycoo...

Date posted: 18w

how i deal with the "what ifs" (+18)

i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.

crybaby

Date posted: 16w

Advice please!!

I will be straight forward and honest. I have cheated in the past. My last relationship was long term, and I had begged and begged for him to change and in the end he never did. I don’t know why I cheated. And I’m not going to make excuses for myself for why I did. I messed up. The cheating was online, it was never in person. But now, I’m in a new relationship. And he’s everything I have ever wanted in a boyfriend, husband, and best friend. I want this man to be with me the rest of our lives, and I want to see him help raise our future children. But I can’t help but feel such immense guilt, because although I have never cheated on him, his ex had cheated on him. And I truly don’t understand how or why she would…but that’s not my place to comment on. Such a big part of me wants to tell him, and tell him that that’s not me anymore, and I know that we will communicate healthily and openly, unlike my last relationship, which he never wanted to. Not only this, my brain just won’t. stop. thinking…about how I had cheated. I regret doing what I had done, I don’t WANT to cheat anymore, or ever again. Especially with the love of my life I have now. But I’m scared of what do I do if I have a compulsion, or anything revolving around cheating. I want to tell him about it, but I know I shouldn’t, and can’t really tell him as it’s complicated, and I know I would only make things worse. I feel like such a terrible person, and girlfriend, for what I have done and what I’m worried about ‘if I do’, even though I don’t want to. I want to be better, I want to grow. Any advice please would be amazing.

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