Rocd and intimacy, 18+

I'm kind of embarrassed to write about this topic here on this app. But I thought maybe some people have a piece of advice for me. I have rocd and am on a holiday with my bf currently. It's going pretty well, and I'm proud of myself for having a good time and resisting urges. However there is still one topic that is really bad which is our sex life. My rumination is really focused on this topic, especially during holidays. I had bad experiences in the past with sex, I also had a relationship that basically was just about sex (good one) and I think it kind of morphed my perspective on this topic. I always feel a lot of pressure that me and my bf have to do it, even if I don't want it. He would never force me or want me to force myself. But I feel like it's almost a rule that I need to have sex a amount of certain times a week so that we are a good couple and that we constantly need to want each other. I also have very high expectations how everything should go, there is almost a checklist in my head and because of that I feel very tense sometimes and can't enjoy it really. Afterwards I feel crappy and have anxiety. Then I start with rituals like checking, constant rumination about what ifs. What if we are not compatible? What if he is just bad in bed and I'm lying to myself? What if something is wrong with me and my libido? What if this means we are a bad couple or will break up? While I'm typing this it sounds like typical OCD behaviour. My OCD also focuses a lot on his physical flaws during these "episodes" and I also compare him with my ex whom I had great sex with (but a very toxic relationship). I am ashamed for that. I feel like I'm a bit in a trap with this topic. How can I deal with this? I thought I probably just have to stop ruminating and expose myself. But it's hard with sex because I don't want to force myself but I also don't want to avoid. I talked about this openly with my bf, he is super supportive and he also told me that we will figure it out.

Relationship OCD

Tceeles

Date posted: 2y

So avoidance of sex isnt the answer, however it seems that youve attached an irrational belief to sex? "I must perform sex when the atmosphere desires it and when i do i must do everything i can to please the other person. If they do not enjoy it as much as i want them to or if i dont show im enjoying it then i must be terrible in bed or seem frigid, it would be terrible if he assumed that and would leave if he k ew the truth".. maybe im miles off but usually its something like that. So then you need to look deep at what the core fear is at the belif of that. The fear of not being enough, the fear of not being accept for good or bad, fear of rejection... Then try and chsnge your perspective on these beliefs and rationalise the fears. Some exposure work you can do is something like.. saying no to sex when you feel you really have to have sex, or have sex and it to be quick and not very sexual. Almost lousy..then once you have that discomfort, dont try to find certainty or give into your compulsions.

ROCDmensch

Date posted: 2y

Okay, I try to follow what you are saying. But I think my rocd is not really attached to me not being good enough or the other one not pleased, but the other way around. I fear I might end up in an unhappy relationship were I might not be fulfilled or have to break up because of incompatibly and end up alone or hurt someone else. So I constantly look for "warning signs" as an urge. I don't know if that comes across clear. But for sure I have irrational beliefs attached to sex. Maybe it would help to write them down... For me it is really not a good idea to have sex I don't enjoy I think, since I have been forced to have sex before...it's difficult. I don't really know how exposure can be possible with this. Maybe more with scripts?

Tceeles

Date posted: 2y

Ifcourse if you have a difficult past its potentially finding the irrational belief behind that? Also worth writing the irrational belief down and trying to find the core fear behind it.. once you find it dispute it hard! Ask tough questions.. what is the worst thing that would happen if you didnt have amazing sex every time? Maybe potentially fearful of sharing your needs with him? If theres something you want to try with him, maybe ask? Or build up to it. Amazing book on disputing irrational beliefs is Dr Albert Ellis "How to Stubbornly refuse to be miserable about anything yes anything". Ofcourse i dont know whats happened but a exposure maybe asking for something you like? Remember its important to express your needs too.

MintyMLP

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I highly recommend the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. It sounds like you have some high expectations and pressure around sex. I also recommend continuing OCD therapy for it, but that book may help too. There's also Sex Without Stress (can't remember the author but it's got penguins on the cover...lol)

anonn

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 11w

Managing ROCD/SOOCD with a partner

Hi all! I was wondering if anyone being treated with ROCD and/or SOOCD has some advice on how they handle the things *with* their partner. For context, my ex and I were together ~7 months before we broke up a year ago, in large part due to my severe anxiety from untreated ROCD/SOOCD. I’ve gotten a lot better through NOCD treatment and we’ve been friends since then. But we’re currently in a “situationship” kind of stage, where I think we’re both trying to figure out if the relationship is still feasible, and I’m finding that I’m a lot more triggered as the relationship nears becoming “serious” again. We’re both really trying to figure out the healthiest way to handle when things get hard for me. Does anyone have input about what they’ve learned or found what has worked in their own relationships? Some specific questions: - I’ve found that when getting really triggered in my own head, I have no clue if I should explain how I’m feeling to my partner or how we should address it together. How do you differentiate between communicating versus falling into the confessing/reassurance trap? - Related to the above, my partner and I are both a bit lost on the best way for him to respond when I’m really paranoid (for examples, I have major I’m-being-cheated-on paranoia and overanalyze if I’m enjoying sex enough), or if I’m overreacting to feeling rejected/misunderstood (e.g. “he didn’t respond to my comment just now, he doesn’t care/he doesn’t get me/maybe we shouldn’t be together…”) - How much does your partner know about ROCD/SOOCD in general? How much have you shared with them about your thoughts and experiences? I’ve explained both subtypes and some of my thought processes to him, but definitely not all of it, and I’m not sure how much is helpful for him to know. Answers to any or all of the questions are very much appreciated. Thanks so much in advance! Hope you’re all well 💗

niu

Date posted: 11w

ROCD on vacation. Tips?

So me and my boyfriend are going on our first short trip together and as an avoidant person who tends to be very anxious about being seen in a relationship and being in a relationship in general, it could become a very triggering experience. I have had previous OCD themes but the last few years have been very latched to the topics HOCD and ROCD. I just know that spending so much time together could lead to intrusive thoughts about him and our relationship and result in micromanaging and being irritated. Anyone tips on how to enjoy this and not put too much pressure on myself ?

Jpais28

Date posted: 10w

ROCD advice help for supporting partner

I am at a very difficult spot in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and I have a history of cheating that for years we’ve been trying to work through. To me, it makes a lot of sense that my OCD has attached itself to this and for the last few years I’ve experienced intrusive sexual thoughts of others and relationship ocd. I have been open to him about the content of my thoughts and now, with a proper diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, I am able to reframe them and work through them with ERP so that my brain will *hopefully* get bored and stop sending them. But, things have not been easy. As a result of this and everything in our past, he has become anxious about all the scenarios where I could be having sexualized thoughts about other people. To him, if I am thinking something utterly different than what I am telling him or acting like to him, he can’t fully trust it. And of course, I can imagine how difficult it is to know your life partner is sexualizing others in her brain and to be able find a way to dismiss them as unthreatening, especially when past mistakes say otherwise. Is there anyone that has gone through this with a partner? And other than repeatedly explaining the egodystonic nature of my thoughts and providing reassurance, what are some things you did that helped them? Any advice helps! Thank you

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Rocd and intimacy, 18+

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