- Date posted
- 2y
Today one of my worst fears came true
I have contamination ocd the most out of any other subtype. Today one of my friends came over for a sleepover. And they woke up and came to my room to just hangout. Now they know I have ocd I just haven’t rlly talked to them about it much. One of the worst things people can do is touch my bed. My bed is my only safe place that I only touch and keep clean. I share a room with my little sister so everything else in my room I perceive as dirty bc she touches it. But my friend went on my bed and I was to afraid to say anything about it because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. So I just told myself to endure it and I can always clean it after she leaves. But then she started picking the skin on her lips and made herself bleed. I asked if she wanted to get a cotton ball for it but she declined. She started touching her blood with her fingers and touched my blankets with her bloody hands. I was so shocked and I wanted to clean it so bad. But I immediately got off the bed and tried to get her out by saying “ let’s go eat waffles” or “let’s watch a movie”. I tried my best to get her out of there without being rude. But she wanted to stay. So I had to distract myself because I didn’t want to think of all the germs on my blanket. I was able to bottle up all of my emotions until after they left. I started frantically grabbing my blanket and throwing it in the washer. I was stressed angry frustrated and sad all at the same time. I noticed that my pillows were moved and that kinda sent me over the edge. I was so frustrated that she touched my pillows and I tried to tell my mom about it just because so much was bothering me and I needed to talk. And my sister heard this and told me how annoying I was. She was yelling at me saying she didn’t want to hear about it and “just deal with it” and “you’ll live”. I was so mad and frustrated I locked myself in the bathroom and started crying. One of my biggest fears was being annoying to others because of my ocd. The last thing I want is to be an inconvenience or rude or “overdramatic”. But I literally cannot control it. Having things contaminated cause me so much stress. And this isn’t the only thing she says to me. Whenever she sees me cleaning she tells me how “quirky” and “different” I am. I wish that I was able to be normal and be able to do fun things without the fear of contamination. It holds me back from so much things. My mom only had a little talk with her about how she can’t judge me because she doesn’t know what it’s like. I still haven’t heard an apology. I feel so crazy and now I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it. I only talk to people about it when it’s really bothering me. They don’t know about my intrusive thoughts and I feel like I barely talk about my contamination ocd. The only times I do is when my sister asks why she can’t touch my bed. And I’ve tried to explain to her what it feels like. But she doesn’t care. Just to mess with me she’ll go on my bed. I’ve stayed up till 2am on a school day because I needed to wash my sheets and couldn’t sleep without them clean. And the reason she went on my bed was because I didn’t turn off the lights right away. So not only does she make fun of it but she uses it to get me to do things. And sometimes for no reason she’ll hover her foot above my bed just to stress me out. I hate it so much and I feel like my mom won’t do anything about it. If you got this far thanks for reading all this. That’s my vent.