Okay. This HOCD and denial thing is crap. Real denial is someone acting like they’re not gay when they already know. Real denial is someone reluctance to come out, not a hidden gay version of themselves that they’ve never realized is there and are wrestling with a thought telling them it is. If you have OCD, you’re simply “denying”/rejecting a lie that the ocd is telling you. Real denial is lying about something you’ve known is true.

You will. Trust me. You will.

Yeah. The ocd bringing up memories is the worst because you can’t fully remember how you felt in that moment or the memory in a whole and on top of that, the ocd twists it anyways. I bet if I remembered half the memories without the presence of the ocd, they would all be different. I know though that whether I did some weird things as a kid or not, I’ve always been boy crazy and I still am even with the ocd. It’s just obnoxious, meaningless thoughts that like to make a big deal out of nothing

Yeah. No wonder. Ocd robs us of everything that once brought us joy

Oh man. I feel ya. You’ll get through. My therapist gave me this picture of ocd that’s really helped me. You may have heard it before. It’s that you’re playing tug of war with the ocd and you’re tired and your hands have burn marks on them from the rope and you’re convinced you have to keep trying to win, but all you have to do is drop the rope and you can walk around and do things you love again. The ocd might come and taunt you every now and again, but you have the power to walk away. The compulsions are a way to keep playing tug of war with ocd. Trying to prove and disprove your sexuality, trying to test if you’re attracted to girls, trying to remember if you’ve ever been turned on by a girl, anything. It’s just keeping the tug of war going.

that’s a really good example. Thank you, the fear really is that I feel not much attraction to boys and it seems like it won’t come back and rn that’s what I’m scared of the most :/

Good luck! Hoping things get better! I believe in you!

Then I get the question in my head of always knowing or secretly knowing. Anything that can reasonably help others can’t help me much, since it’ll spin back around at me with more “what if” questions.

It’s the very same with me, to me it’s ironic I went from being the straightest most confident person alive to being housebound worrying if he’s gay or not. OCD takes what you love and shatters it into bloodstained dust before your eyes in an instant.

preach it well, brotha? god it feels so real it’s such a gut wrenching feeling to absolutely believe something you aren’t. why does it have to feel this bad and why does it have to exist. I was super fine before, now I enjoy nothing and even if one day is normal, the other day escalates.

thank you<3 ugh but gosh is it so hard when it tries pulling up rEcIePtS and twists me to believe I was always gay. It’s so EXHAUSTING it’s such a waste of time.

yes exactly. Although the boy craze has faded and now I seem grossed out by them :(

exactly. god I feel so lesbian right now and it seems like a hell I’ll never escape from :/

thank you Abby, my nerves are slightly better now. But I’m going to work to keep it that way D:

thank you!<3

me too^

I’m getting memories that are being twisted and stuff I used to do and it’s being twisted to make me think that had something to do w this