??

My whole life I’ve kind of stared at people’s crotches whenever they’re wearing something revealing a bikini. I feel like I’ve always searched to see if I can see an outline or something or anything because it’s so revealing. It kind of feels like curiosity I don’t know how to describe it. I did this before my OCD got bad and I do this now. I feel scared that I’m doing something I shouldn’t be. I’m scared that I’m doing something perverted. What scares me the most is that about a year ago this happened with my boyfriend sister. She was 15 at the time. I didn’t think much about it. I stared, searched and moved on. But now I really question if I did something awful or if my intentions were perverted. I’m questioning whether it’s okay to even have curiosity about this. Maybe this is normal and people don’t analyze their behavior, I don’t know. I had a theory that this has been a compulsion all along but right now it feels fully out the window. I haven’t been able to stop crying. I really need someone’s input or perspective. Please.

does it happen to you that you suddenly have the urge to look at the trigger on purpose (for me it makes me look at pictures and look for facial expressions that associate me with sex) people, pictures, something...? Always when I do it, it's like I deliberately imagine something sexual about it, and if there's no reaction, I imagine it until I get it? ??? What am I doing anymore?

I am really scared of staring at people‘s private parts and I get the urge to do so. It gets so awkward in Social situations.