I'm feeling so upset today because OCD keeps stealing my joy and my peace. When I'm having a good moment or good day, I feel like there's only a short time before the what ifs start to throw me off. I just want to be happy
My joy has been sapped from me ever since this began for me. You’re not alone. Little by little every day, that joy and your authentic self will stay present in the moment longer and longer. You got this!
Happens to me too. I have moments of normal and happiness but because my OCD is so bad, it questions those moments and those feelings.
I am sorry that you are struggling. Ocd has a tendency to to attack us at vulnerable moments, including when things are going well. I have this happen to me often when leaving for a vacation - or a long weekend for work - or a holiday. What if this or that - maybe something bad will happen - and I have learned with ERP to say maybe or maybe not - but I am going to continue to live in the present moment and enjoy it. It doesn’t magically take away the anxiety but I don’t allow ocd to tell me what I can and cannot do. I hope this helps.
A lot of people with OCD feel this same way, I know I have. Whether you’re currently experiencing anxiety/discomfort/intrusive thoughts or you’re currently feeling well but are worried OCD will come back around the corner, it’s all just another way for OCD to keep it’s claws dug in you. When you’re focusing/analyzing how you feel or don’t feel, you could be engaging in a compulsion. The best practice via ERP is that when those what if thoughts strike, lean into them and respond with a maybe, maybe not. It won’t magically make the feeling of discomfort go away, but with time you’ll stop paying as much attention to those thoughts and they might not bother you as much. I’ve found that when I focus on feeling unwell/spend time checking how I feel, it’s sometimes a self-fulfilling cycle. You are strong, you can handle this, and you’re not alone!
The things that used to make me happy? The things that used to make me sad? I don't know how to connect with those anymore. I used to be happy just looking at the sunset and nature, I loved being present in the moment but now being present in the moment is scary because now I'm faced with my thoughts and new potential ones so I'd rather distract myself. I love kballads and I used to listen to them and just cry and be happy because they sound so beautiful but now I can't embrace these things that feel like beauty because I feel like the exact opposite. The only things I can enjoy are K-drama's! But I can't watch things with kids in it. So yah that's tricky! And the things that make me sad?! Well I used to be sad and terrified about loosing my loved ones but now it's a different kind of sad. I used to be sad because of miss them and all that but now I'm scared of facing now messed up my emotions have become. I'm scared of loosing someone I love and then not being able to feel sad because I'm just numb, or even worse...if it becomes something I'm okay with or what if OCD convinces me that I'm happy about it because honestly it would be weird moving around the world with such emotions. So not only has OCD made it hard for me to enjoy the good things but also hard for me to feel sad about the sad things or just to put it short...to experience emotions normally.
If I ever experience myself happy in life, my relationship, or friendships, OCD just finds a way to ruin it for me. As soon as life’s going good, it pops up into my head with all these intrusive thoughts that make it impossible to just relax and enjoy myself. My relationship has been improving, along with my mental health, and I have been feeling so in love and present with my partner. Everytime that happens OCD pops back up, with all these thoughts in my head like “What if I don’t really love my partner” “What if I’m not actually attracted to him” then it spirals to “What if I’m gay” “What if I don’t even like men” and it keeps going and going. Now, I can’t even hang around women friends without OCD popping up and saying “What if I’m attracted to them” “You have a crush on them”. I have always identified as straight, and I have always been boy obsessed growing up. I don’t want to be gay and lose everything I have with my boyfriend. That’s a huge fear that OCD is putting into my head. That I’m gay and I don’t actually love my partner and am attracted to him. I’m so upset. I just want to be happy in my relationship and at peace. And I want to be able to make female friends without OCD ruining it for me. :/ It’s like if I’m really stressed, my OCD gets really bad. And if I’m happy my OCD gets really bad. Unfortunately NOCD doesn’t accept my insurance, but I am meeting with a therapist I found on Rula who treats OCD, so I’m hoping that helps. I am also considering meds, because I can’t keep living like this. It’s been 25 years.
I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.
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