anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

need help :(

Hi, i haven’t been diagnosed with OCD yet but due to my obsessive googling i’m pretty sure i have it. i have strong feelings of guilt/shame over things and need constant reassurance of them or feel the need to tell others. the latest one is absolutely driving me insane and making me feel sick, i can barely eat. about maybe a year ago i came across a tik tok of some woman describing how she was raped by her step dad at 8 years old and how she liked it. she would share details of her stories and i guess this would intrigue me. i’ve always had issues with orgasm/finishing and when my then boyfriend would give me oral i would think of that woman (then a child) and her stepdad having sex and it would help me finish. this is making me feel like the worst person on earth and i feel sick to my stomach. i would NEVER touch or hurt a child but why would i ever think this. i promise i wouldn’t hurt a fly. it’s sickening and my stomach is in knots. i can’t get over this and it consumes my mind constantly the fact that i’ve thought these things. i feel like a horrible person and i can’t tell anyone what im going through so i feel so stuck

POCD

Mariii

Date posted: 2y

You just said it. You wouldn't do anything to a child and you know it. Ocd is attacking what you value. It's not good that you're looking for reassurance. Trust me, that won't help. I know it's hard but it is ocd acting. You're a good person Don't let those thoughts get to you Go and give it a try to sit in discomfort. Try not to resist the thoughts. Also make sure you eat. Even if you can't, eat a piece of a cracker or bread. Make sure to hydrate. Have a nice day!

anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mariii thank you 🥺 i just want to know what’s wrong with me and why i even thought of those kinds of things in the first place. it’s disgusting and i have a therapy appointment but feel so scared to bring it up.

Mariii

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Nothing is wrong with you, it's just our old pal ocd tryna play with us. Remember when you have those thoughts, just know that ocd is acting up. Try to breathe and count from 1 to 3. About therapy, make sure you're going to a ocd professional and if you don't feel comfortable bringing these topics up, you don't have to.

anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mariii thank you. that helps. it’s hard to even work up the courage to leave the house or see my friends knowing these thoughts are gonna haunt me constantly or i might tell them and they’re gonna think i’m a sick pedophile or something. that’s something i struggle with, like am i? normal people don’t do this so i’m weird.

Mariii

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous If it helps you, i also have pocd, ive been dealing with it for two years. its weird bc i feel like ocd definitely rewired my brain

anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mariii i don’t know if i have pocd or if this classifies into it. i look at normal people and think they probably don’t think these things and i feel so alone and sick i’m spiraling so bad today

Mariii

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous You dont have to have a theme, it can be just random thoughts from day to day, like example i can have pocd and still have other intrusive thoughts without them being my main theme. If you understand

anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mariii that makes sense. all of this is so hard to accept and gives me such bad anxiety and i feel like my life is over

anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mariii i wish i could seperate this from my life and just live life normally. like literally feel so guilty over THOUGHTS. like ugh. i can’t seem to get past it. sometimes i do but than i spiral again

Mariii

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous It's okay, i understand. But life isn't over, yet. Try adding new things to your life. Reading, dancing, exercising, whatever you want Let the thoughts be, they will get bored if you dont give them attention. And you have to practice to not give them any attention

anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mariii i just want to tell someone to hopefully hear that they also experience the same things or they don’t think i’m weird but i think anyone would that’s what bothers me. i wish i could open up. but yes i need to do better with distractions. the anxiety just feels so urgent and like i have to address it constantly. i couldn’t get a therapy appointment till april 10th and it’s making me so sad

Mariii

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous People who don't understand mental disorders are gonna judge. And you have to either educate them or leave them. People who are close to you should be supporting you. Ocd is stigmatized, and alot of people think its just about cleaning which is why when we actually bring the horrendous topics up, they look at us like we re crazy. But they just arent educated enough. And because they think you're crazy, you start getting doubts about yourself and ocd But trust me, over millions of people understand you and will support you. About the appointment, it sucks, but april is gonna come close so don't really worry about it!

anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mariii thank you. i’m wondering if ocd caused those bad thoughts during s** in the first place? or am i just that messed up. i know i’m having ocd over it now but idk if that was the original cause.

Mariii

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Ocd it is

danielllll

Date posted: 19w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Abuchs

Date posted: 18w

FUCK please help me what is wrong with me

I am a girl's in my twenties. I got diagnosed with OCD last year. I have a boyfriend, sadly we're long distance right now. I've liked boys all my life. It's very difficult to sustain intimacy in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I have intimate calls with my boyfriend and it's nice. Other times, however, (and I am not proud of it) I do watch porn. I started watching porn when I was 16. I've tried to quit it many times but every couple of weeks I go back to it. And as everyone knows, one of the MANY problems with it is that your brain will always ask for more. More taboo things, more explicit things. I have a daddy kink. I've roleplayed with my boyfriend and watched porn of this kink. Now, the thing is that my brain keeps telling me that I won't orgasm unless I think of little girls being ab*sed. I've never looked for that on the internet, I never want to either. I am under EXTREME DISTRESS, because what my brain tells me feels SO REAL, and it's like my pleasure gets blocked and that contributes to me thinking my brain must be right. It wasn't like this before. I want to go back. I'm scared it will be like this forever now.

POCD

roszip-0toMd...

Date posted: 15w

Please help!!!

TW! please someone comment When I was 12 or 13 I used to babysit a little girl, she had a habit of keeping her hand in her diaper and was always touching herself, there was one point I was changing her diaper and noticed she was really red. I had separated her private parts and checked the inner area for signs of infection. She was okay, just some really really bad diaper rash. I know this is what happened yet my brain is trying to convince me that I hurt her, and that I wanted to do it, I know I would never hurt a child but with all the anxiety I feel when I think about it I'm starting to wonder if I did do it because I wanted to hurt her, I don't wanna be a p, I don't wanna hurt innocent children, I used to never have these thoughts but now I do and I'm so scared to tell my therapist as she hasn't diagnosed me with ocd yet. I don't want her to think I'm a p nor do I wanna hurt kids, but my brain keeps telling me that I do and that I'm just lying to myself and everyone around me, ik I would never do something that could harm a child but I keep getting these thoughts and their inappropriate and I just want them to stop, does anyone have any tips on how to help myself? I keep turning to my boyfriend for reassurance but ik that that's just a quick fix and that ill be spiraling about it again.Please help

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