Intrusive thoughts/obsessing?

Hello, does anyone ever get stuck in the same unwanted thoughts/memories, over & over again? What do you do to stop it? There is a stressful event from my past that happened about 8 years ago. It was a huge argument with work friends. I don’t think I ever totally got over it, but I eventually left that job & I had gotten past it for the most part. I had moved on with my life & had stopped thinking about it constantly. I have always been a very guilt ridden person, thinking I have done something wrong, over analyzing myself, thinking I should have handled things differently/better, thinking everything is always my fault in some way. I recently had a lot of stress come up in my life (normal life things) & I was just finding it hard to cope & I started obsessing (again as if I hadn’t obsessed enough at the time it happened) about this stressful event that happened 8 years ago. I think stressful things trigger my ocd. I have dealt with being a germaphobe & checking things (that doors are locked, coffee pot is off, etc). But now I think my ocd is that I have been thinking about this event from 8 years ago, nearly non-stop, feeling super guilty about it, thinking it was all my fault (when I don’t truly believe it was all my fault, there were many people involved & everyone was kind of in the wrong in different ways). I am also analyzing the way I dealt with it at that time & shaming myself for not being stronger & for allowing it to break me down the way it did. Then going back to trying to figure the whole event out again (after all these years) & why things happened the way they did. It was a very stressful & confusing event to begin with & I couldn’t figure it out then & I can’t now. But I feel like it’s also a big need for me to be accepted & loved. I care too much about what people think. But I also can’t stand the thought of hurting someone’s feelings & I think in this situation I did. But I apologized at that time for my part in the situation & the person accepted my apology, but I always obsess over if she actually did & I guess it’s part of my perfectionism ocd. Like I feel like I’m not allowed to make mistakes or like I’m not worthy of forgiveness or I’m a horrible person for making a mistake. But then I also felt very betrayed by another friend that was involved in this issue that was not honest about her part in this problem. So I took all that it mean it was all my fault & I was the problem. I don’t think it’s really fair, but I come down on myself so much about it & I simply cannot get it out of my head. I also struggle with how this event made me feel afterwards (like I was worthless, a horrible person, then I was so depressed & anxious because of it & that makes me feel guilty because it made me feel like I was a horrible mother to my children, etc., I just started spiraling.). The other people involved never took any accountability for how they acted in the situation. I really would have loved it we could have all gotten together & said exactly what happened & everyone took their own part in it (so that there would be no lies or blaming) & we could have healed from it. But instead I was the only one that apologized for my part in it & I didn’t speak for anyone else or blame anyone else because if they didn’t want to come forward to explain/apologize for their part in it I wasn’t going to make them. I made a mistake & I acted in a way that I’m not proud of, but I admitted it & apologized for it. So why should I have to live with this guilt forever & replaying it over & over again in my head. Thinking I’m a horrible person. I think about it when I get up to go to the bathroom during the night, I think about when I wake up, it lingers in my head all day. I have a very full life with a family & a great job, etc. so it makes me feel guilty like I’m not appreciative of what I have enough to stop this from taking away from my amazing family. My top priority in life is my family. They mean the world to me & I sometimes feel like a failure to them or if I really loved them, I wouldn’t let this bother me the way it does, like I care more about the what those people that were involved in this situation 8 years ago think of me. It’s so stupid because it couldn’t be further from the truth. I love my family more than anything. I’m so sorry for the super long post. I just needed to get some of this out of my head. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please reply. Thank you.

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

Think of the serenity prayer. From what you have written it sounds like the need to replay the event from over 8 years ago is a rumination / mental compulsion due to your OCD. If you have done ERP, use those tools for this event. If you haven’t done ERP I recommend seeing an ERP therapist to help you address how much theses thoughts are impacting your life. In the meantime check out Shala Nicely’s website - she has blogs related to guilt / shame and a very useful one on ERP scripting that may be of help.

Sunshine79

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P Thank you so much for taking time to reply. I really appreciate the advice & support. I haven’t tried ERP yet, so I’m going to look into it & hopefully find a good therapist. I will also check out that website you mentioned. Thank you! I appreciate it so much!

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

@Sunshine79 You’re welcome. Good luck.

Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I am sorry you are struggling right now. Ocd will certainly play to our vulnerabilities. From your post it seems to me that you are ruminating about the event from 8 years ago and that I can guarantee you will only Make ocd stronger. I realize it is hard to do - but sitting in the middle, not trying to figure out if you were justified or not, said hurtful things or didn’t is just ocd’s way of luring you into its web of deceit. And Ocd will never be satisfied with the answer - there will always be one more what if - one more rumination that ocd will want you to perform. Instead, as the thoughts go through, acknowledge them as intrusive thoughts and try your best not to compulse. Maybe saying maybe I did and maybe I didn’t, or that’s interesting, anything that will help you to sit in the middle. ERP therapy trains us how to address intrusive thoughts for what they are - thoughts - and not the five alarm five we treat them as. I always remind myself I live in the present - and I can’t change the past - and I don’t know the future, so I try and focus on this moment. Live by my values - and if I have made a mistake or done something wrong - forgive myself and move forward. It’s hard work but with time and practice it works. I hope this helps.

Sunshine79

Date posted: 2y

@Jeffrey Thank you so much! This really does help & I appreciate it so much. It is good for me to learn these things about OCD so I can understand that it is playing against me. It’s so true like you said that OCD will never be satisfied with the answer. That is so true & that’s why I can’t let it go. So I’m really going to work to get through this & I really appreciate the advice & support & you sharing these facts about OCD. It gives me hope. I just want to put this event behind me & not let it take hold of me like this again. Thank you for your help. I really needed to hear these things.

Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Sunshine79 You’re welcome. I would add to this to be compassionate with yourself. This is hard work and it takes time. So do not beat yourself up !

bkelp213

Date posted: 25w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

JustMe28

Date posted: 24w

Constant rumination of past mistake

Hi everyone, I’m new here, and I wanted to share my experience. I’ve been struggling for over a year now on obsessing over a mistake. And the rumination of the mistake I made has been overwhelming and exhausting in those two years. I feel like such a horrible person. At the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing would affect me so much. When I realized it was wrong, I just said I’ll never do it again, and I moved on. But then months later, I was reminded of what I did, and I felt like I did the worst thing in the world, and that my life will never be normal again. And ever since then, it’s been a constant thought. And it’s exhausting. I have been able to open up to my family and a close friend about it and their reactions were so nonchalant compared to what my brain has been telling me. They say it wasn’t even that bad, and that I shouldn’t be beating myself up. I tell them how badly I feel and they just act like it was nothing. I thought that would help, but my brain continues to tell me how horrible of a person I am and I obsess over this one mistake I made two years ago. I’ve learned from it, I’ve moved on, I’ve opened up about it, I’ve gotten reassurance, but yet it still eats at me. It’s constant some days. Where all I wanna do is lay down in a corner and never leave. I feel like my life will never be normal again and I’ll never experience happiness again. Whenever I smile or feel any type of joy my brain tells me to stop and reminds me that I’m a bad person and I don’t deserve to be happy. Even though everyone tells me what I did wasn’t even that bad. And that it doesn’t make me who I am. But guess it’s not enough and I’m really running out of options.

Real Events OCD

Roseptlss

Date posted: 23w

Persistent Intrusive thoughts about past actions

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

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