- Date posted
- 2y
struggling with my dermatillomania
As someone who's always had very bad eczema, I've always struggled with skin issues and self-esteem because of it. It's gotten 5x worse since I developed dermatillomania, which has been an on-going issue for about 7 years now. It's genuinely distressing and has led to my arms, face, legs, and chest being scarred up as well as my scalp. It's only been about 3 days since this was addressed professionally by my therapist, and I've been genuinely trying with the exercises, but it's really hard when I feel no sort of support, which in turn distresses me further and makes it even harder to stop picking. My mom only ever talks about it to make me feel bad, and behind my back to other family members (about my scalp specifically); I tried talking to my dad about it, but all he had to say was he was glad because the scarring was ugly; and nobody else takes it seriously. On Friday, during a test in class, I caught myself picking bad and went tk the exercises, but started crying because of how difficult it was. I had to leave class and was in continued distress for a while after. I told my partner and he just brushed it off. I tried to bring it up with him again, joking I was going to stop trying with it (I'm not) but serious about how distressed I was (I was crying) and he again brushed it off. Today was bad. I kept catching myself, and when I thought I was doing good, I'd start scratching. I told myself it was the eczema, but then I caught myself picking at scabs until they bled, and I got so upset and frustrated I bit myself multiple times(not to cause harm, but I had no other way to get it out). I told my partner I wasn't doing well in general, and he just brushed it off. This is tiring. But I feel like unless my arms and scalp are bleeding uncontrollably, nobody (outside of therapy) is going to ever take it seriously. To them, it's just a quirk I can drop whenever I want to, something I should be shamed for or something unimportant. But it's been surprisingly draining trying to do this, even just for three days, and the OCD is obviously NOT helping and making it even worse. I know I need to want this to change, and I do. And it will get better, no matter what they say to me (or don't). But it's frustrating that the same people who continuously fault me for being distant are refusing any support or encouragement of any kind when I actually do reach out. It's not even a need for reassurance, which I originally thought it might be. I just want to hear "I'm here if you need me" or a "Do you want to talk about it?" Then they wonder why I don't go to them about "bigger things."