Exhausted from compulsions

Sigh. Just wanted to vent somewhere to people who understand. I’ve been struggling with my ocd for the past 2-3 weeks after having a breezy few weeks. My fixations have been moving from one mark on my son’s body to another to another. I’ve fixated on a birthmark on his neck for the past 3 days and the compulsion to examine it, compare it to photos I’ve taken months back, and ruminate have been relentless. I’m so tired. So my mind always tricks me into thinking any pigmentation or marks are something I should be worried about. Or am I upset because I can’t seem to “answer” my questions if it is or isn’t. Or because I know it’s my ocd thinking yet I can’t seem to connect the dots to process this and move on. I’m sorry guys. Hope you’re all having a better night then me.

rmme23

Date posted: 2y

I had that fear initially. Then once I was able to grasp that it had no medical significance I worried about the appearance. Hang in there mama! ❤️

JustShe

Date posted: 2y

I know how you're feeling, and how hard it is when you're deep in the feelings of anxiety. The thing is, even if you make an appointment at your doctor, and get the reassurance you believe you need, if you're like me you'll have a few good days and then find another thing to fixate on. Have you tried sitting with the anxiety for a while, and that need to check and compare, and then letting that feeling gradually ease away as you start to naturally think about other things?

divyD

Date posted: 2y

@JustShe Thanks for your reply. I can’t tell you how nice it is to know someone who gets it. Funny you say that because I have seen the dr who said everything is fine. And you’re right, I still doubt it and also find other things to fixate on. I am currently sitting with the anxiety. I told my husband how strong the compulsion is this time and that I didn’t want to appease it as I really needed someone to help keep my accountable. So far so good but my brain is screaming at me to just check and get my “answer”. I’m feeling so tired by it all .

rmme23

Date posted: 2y

I did this with my oldest daughters hypopigmented birthmark for the first couple of years of her life. It was awful. I still needed reassurance, still googled even after seeing the best pediatric dermatologist at Children’s Boston. Eventually I moved on from this to something else but wanted to let you know I can relate to you. My health anxiety extends to my children as well. Thinking of you and try to not give into those compulsions ❤️

divyD

Date posted: 2y

@rmme23 You are the first person who actually experienced what I am regarding their child’s skin/marks. It is horrendous and inescapable at times. I am sorry you went through that and I thank you for sharing. It really helped. Do you have any advice for helping to move on from it? I do find it hard to do erp with the challenges of looking after a busy toddler.

rmme23

Date posted: 2y

@divyD I have yet to do any ERP but at the time I remember telling myself that I have to stop. It’s just a birthmark and she’s perfectly fine and healthy. This is just cosmetic. Also, as she got a little older I never wanted her to know or see I was worried about it because I didn’t want her to feel insecure or bad about her skin/body.

rmme23

Date posted: 2y

@rmme23 I also remember feeling bad that I wanted her to look/be perfect and wish she didn’t have it. I was so worried she would be self conscious of it as she got older but she’s 13 and couldn’t care less about it.

divyD

Date posted: 2y

@rmme23 That makes a lot of sense. I don’t actually worry too much about the appearance but have the fear of what if it’s more than a simple birthmark. I will get there somehow. He coming to an age where he is aware of my constantly checking. I should take your advice about not creating insecurities. I’m so glad you worked through it and that your daughter is doing well and healthy. I hope you’re managing your ocd ok as well. Health anxiety is such a b!tch! I’m proud of myself for reaching out and not appeasing the compulsion tonight.

Aprilshowers...

Date posted: 20w

My OCD

Please if someone can reply! I really just need someone to talk to. I don’t even know how to control my OCD. It honestly feels like it’s controlling me. Everyday my mind focuses on every bodily sensation I have and it’s like a broken record player, I have horrible health anxiety and my OCD just makes it worst just thinking about it everyday. It feels like everyone who I explain it to looks at me like I’m stupid/crazy. I use to be much more tame with my OCD, I use to eat things without worry, now I can’t even touch things I use to eat without worrying that I’ll get an allergic reaction (despite eating them BEFORE,,,but my mind tells me otherwise) and omg worrying about heart attacks, pulmonary issues..and I couldn’t even enjoy my own child’s birth because my mind was on high alert thinking I would hemorrhage any second or develop pre-E (complications of postpartum) I was miserable for the first couple of months of my baby’s life and I didn’t know what to do. And now, I’m pregnant with my second (4wks) and all the OCD thoughts and anxiety is coming back at me and I have no one to talk to, I feel lonely. And even if I considered taking a pill, I’d worry about being allergic to it and refusing to take it. I ruin everything for everyone. I remember I ate out one night and I started to think “you’re gonna pass out! You’re gonna pass out! (Without ever passing out before) and I had to leave! I feel like I ruin the mood for everyone when I don’t even try to, and I hate it.

Vee <3

Date posted: 16w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

SMS719

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14w

Feeling hopeless 💔

My ocd has been at an extreme all time high the past 2 weeks and I am in dire need of some relief. I’m not sleeping right anymore. for context: I live in the south and found a springtail on my sheets about 2 weeks ago. This was like 2 days before our bug guy came and sprayed (it’s a normal maintenance thing here) so it’s a common bug down here and I’ve found them all over different areas of the house before. Finding it in my bed sent me on a bit of a spiral bc I started to doubt if it even was a springtail and that i was wrong and that it was a bed bug, not trusting my brain. It was a bad, sleepless night and carried over continuing feelings. Typical ocd stuff. Well two days later, I’m a nurse and I had a patient that actually had bed bugs. This wasn’t the first day they were here and I did not see any myself but it still freaked me out. There had one 2 founds after visitors came the day before. Of course I wore PPE in the room (coveralls shoe covers and hair net) going in and took everything off before exiting the room. When I came home I stripped in my garage and bagged everything down to my shoes. Threw everything in the wash and did multiple cycles. There were no other steps I could take but I still had a terrible night. Hours of ruminating and going back and forth about tracing my tracks, thinking of new ways I could’ve taken one home with me. Just checking everything. I was already on a spiral from the springtail. Having two such back to back triggering events for me so closely related has made me deteriorate significantly. I was already doing bad with my normal OCD and starting therapy here. I obsess over the thought of having bedbugs constantly and haven’t been able to sleep. I am constantly checking my bed while in it and can’t settle down. My bed is heavy too and I keep hurting myself lifting my mattress to check. But I need to check. I’ve become obsessed. I check everything and go down Reddit rabbit holes looking for new things. And of course, I talk myself into it every time. I can’t take it anymore, it’s bleeding off into other parts of my life like friendship and marriage because I am so high anxiety right now. I need relief so bad. I’ve never felt this unstable to be honest. I feel like even someone without ocd would be really struggling with this topic, nevermind me, with ocd to a point where I just started treatment. These aren’t even my normal intrusive thoughts and compulsive acts. It’s just taken on a life in the last week and I can’t find any sign that it’s going to slow down. when I think rationally I know I did everything right to prevent but I can’t shake it. 💔

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Exhausted from compulsions

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