I don't know what to out here

I read so much on here and then wonder, if most things that bother me are OCD related, or if OCD sufferer's brains just function similarly and that's why we have so much in common. I often wake up and feel horribly alone and overwhelmed by me needing to function on my own. I never had that, when I wasn't alone, so it must be founded in realty a bit at least. But many people live alone and are managing fine, some even choose to live alone. I know I whined about it here before, but I woke up this morning and felt bad again, so I tried to go back to sleep again. As I have to start work soon, I needed to face waking up again and it feels so horrible, to not be able to talk to someone, to hear someone else's voice. I think I mostly write this to not feel that alone anymore... My "friends" told me, that I'll find someone, but honestly, dating while suffering from POCD and ZOCD and many other forms of OCD and anxiety, I feel like a price no one wants. As it went down hill with my ex, I didn't feel like his girl friend that has problems anymore, but as his problem. Sometimes I want to scream at "friends", family and ex partners - "You think I want this? You think I want to live like that? You can go, you can get rid of it by getting rid of me! But I can only get rid of it by getting rid of living! Why aren't you all kinder and more supportive? Why did all of you cut me out, or pretend I don't suffer from mental health issues? I'm more than OCD, I'm also a human being, that has feelings and wants to be loved!" It makes me feel bad and mean, but I want all of the people who mistreated me, because of my OCD to suffer from it for a few months. A full blown bad episode for all of them. I want them to feel it, I want them to understand. I want their annoyed and disrespectful looks turn into - Damn, I get it now, I proud of you for getting up and facing that for most of your life. Rant over. Sorry for ranting, but sometimes anger mixes with sadness and I don't know what to do with it.

I’m fairly new to treating my OCD and have felt crazy for most of my life. It didn’t help that no one in my life truly understood OCD and always said I was being dramatic. I very recently (within the past few months) finally got diagnosed with OCD and my whole life started to make sense. However, I recently opened up to someone I really believed I trusted about the intrusive thoughts I have and now feel worse than I ever have before. They essentially called me a psychopath and said they are worried for the people around me. Even though I would and could never hurt anyone. I’ve never felt more alone and broken in my life. I already try very hard to hide my OCD and everything associated with it because no one in my life understands so it’s been easier to deal with it myself than listen to everyone say whatever they have to say about my situation. After what happened today I’m even more inclined to just keep it to myself. I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this but I figure this is the best place to write what I’m feeling. Going through OCD is hard enough on it’s own. But when people are telling you they think you’re a danger to society and are crazy because of your intrusive thoughts it really hurts. I’m just tired.

I’m trying to be vulnerable and share here about my experience. I’m just gonna let myself write and not think I’m crazy or try to delete.. I find myself feeling alone a lot, feeling crazy, being unsure why I can’t just snap out of it. I know my past caused this in me (I experienced 2 large traumas - sexual abuse by a parent and parent death) But i find myself obsessed with asking myself why and trying to change the past in my mind. Trying to move on. Thinking maybe if I find out more I’ll feel better. It feels like I can never have a complete good day like I can never feel good. i have happy moments, but if it’s not perfect which I logically know no day is.. I feel upset by my day. Somethings always wrong in my head. I can’t get through a day without thinking my husbands mad at me, or he’s not the actual one for me (we’ve been together 11 years…) or that I can try to solve what I’m feeling by just keeping my house clean, exercising, eating healthy, journaling, meditating. It’s almost like my compulsions have become healthy ones. I feel safe not doing some of them, but if it’s been more than a couple days - I begin to feel bad about it and say “well this is why I feel bad - I’m doing it to myself” Lately, I’ve been experiencing outbursts where I hear the thought telling me to think rationally, but it’s as if I can’t control it and then I’m in a yelling fight with my husband who’s simply trying to be there for me.. I just feel so scared to trust him because my intrusive thoughts tell me he’s out to get me, he’s gonna die, a lot. I’m on Zoloft and have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, buT OCD was never brought up. It wasn’t until I searched something in July of 2022 trying to figure out why i had such intense thoughts about leaving my husband but no desire to actually leave that I started to realize I might have it. Since then I’ve improved and I’ve gotten bad. My OCD is around work. Around things being perfect. Around my relationships - always afraid I’m not acting right or I’m going to hurt peoples feelings. Even coming here and interacting feels scary - my ocd wants me to feel alone I guess. I also feel nervous that I over share and people will think I’m crazy. I really don’t want to post this.