Feelings bringing me down

I don't even know how to describe it. It's like my whole past was fake and it all feels like it meant nothing. And it makes me sad bc I just wanna be who I was before, but my head is telling me I'm enlightened, but I don't wanna be. I want my brain to stop blaming all my past issues on boys or saying it was bc I was gay and didn't know. I used to think I could marry a guy and be happy one day, but now it seems like that was impossible from the beginning. It seems like my past feelings with boys were fake. When at the time it made me feel good. And during those moments of clarity in the beginning when I knew this was absolutely stupid, I never felt bad, I felt good during those moments of clarity.

Sexual Orientation OCD

shopgirl

Date posted: 2y

I know how you feel. My brain keeps telling me that I’d be happier with women, and that this is always what I wanted but I didn’t know. Imagining being with men now feels weird and I just keep telling myself the only way I’ll be happy is if I’m with women. I never thought I’d even date a woman. I really want this to just be OCD

Meg Johnson

Date posted: 2y

Same. I mightve had some issues with guys back then but nothing like this. Nothing that made me question how I felt about them. I liked men for their looks, their strength, their masculinity, their protectiveness. And now it's like my ocd is making me think that was all wrong. Like it was wrong for me to like those features in men besides their looks and stuff.

shopgirl

Date posted: 2y

@Meg Johnson I totally understand. I’ve had fantasies about women, but just figured they wouldn’t come to fruition and was always drawn to men and fantasized about them more for the same reasons you listed. Idk about you, but I’ve always had close female friendships and have felt most comfortable with my female friends, and my mind is telling me that means I want to be in love relationships with them. But it isn’t true to how I’ve imagined my life to go so it’s painfully confusing.

Meg Johnson

Date posted: 2y

@shopgirl When I really think about it, it doesnt feel wrong for me to like guys bc of those traits bc doesn't every girl like that? And plus I did just want to be happy with a man, and I was physically attracted to them. I had more guy friends than girls but I always wanted to look like girls, be like other girls, etc.

shopgirl

Date posted: 2y

@Meg Johnson Feel free to ignore this question if it’s triggering, but we seem to be going through the same thing so I wanted to know if you feel similarly. Has your anxiety shifted and now thinking of being with men makes you feel anxious?

Meg Johnson

Date posted: 2y

@shopgirl Not anxious, just numb.

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I completely understand what you’re going through. I also wanted to marry a man, but idk if that will happen. I can’t date rn either bc my OCD holds me back. I’m not really scared of the thoughts anymore, I’m just sad since I feel like I lost that part of me. But I’m coming to terms with the fact that there’s a possibility that I like women, but I will be fine regardless.

Meg Johnson

Date posted: 2y

It's not even that I care if I like women. Sure it might be a little change but I wanna like men too. It's been that way my whole life and when those feeling were happening they seemed real to me, while they never happened for women.

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Meg Johnson Same, I want to like men and be with one. My fear is mainly about not liking men at all, when that’s all I want. I had a boyfriend who I loved a lot but my OCD wants me to believe those feelings were fake.

Anonymous123

Date posted: 24w

Thoughts make sense

I've always found women pretty and admired them since I was younger, never wanted to be with them or anything. I always pictured having a boyfriend and my crushes were always boys. I have a boyfriend now but because this has happened I feel nothing towards him or any men. To be honest I'm so exhausted I don't feel much at all, there was so much anxiety at the start and now there is none. Does that mean I have accepted the thoughts. My mind keeps going you were suppressed all these years but I do find women pretty so that's what's making it worse. Am I just in denial and being delusional? I never doubted my sexuality before this I always considered myself to be straight but I feels like my mind has been twisted and can't remember any attraction to guys but can remember thinking girls are pretty? Does this mean it's all real? I don't know anymore

Anonymous123

Date posted: 23w

I'm so convinced it's just denial

I feel sick to my stomach, a few days ago I knew I was straight and could picture my life with my bf again. The anxiety has really lessend and Im more depressed now. I'm 100% convinced I am lesbian even tho I have never had sexual attraction to women, found them pretty but never wanted to be with them. My mind is only picturing me being with women now and it feels like a pit in my stomach. I don't feel emotion now, I'm also on my period. I don't want to be lesbian. I want to be with my boyfriend and have the life I pictured with him. My memory is so dissorted right now. I don't think there's anything wrong with being lesbian, it's just not for me and now that makes me feel like I'm homophobic.

Anonymous

Date posted: 23w

What the HECK?

what the hell? this entire day ive been trying to do ERP right? allowing the thoughts feelings, sensations be there with very little reaction, saying"oh that's a thought", "that's a feeling" don't care" etc. But it seems to be making it 100x times worse. Like its impossible to just"ignore" it, it feels so freaking real as if this was the truth, the doubts are real, the false attraction feelings and lip sensations are REAL and genuine attraction, feels ego-synotic, its impossible just to ignore or move on from it because I think I'm so hyperfocused on it all so it last the whole day. IDK right now it feels and seems as if I lost? like its not a what if but it feels factual like"I'm naturally gay, I'm gay" and it feels like normal and become ok with that. But I don't want that I don't want to be gay.

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Feelings bringing me down

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