Feeling unsure if current thoughts are still part of my Harm OCD.

Does not feel like OCD

I am not sure how to even describe what I am going through. And even typing this, I feel like a liar and feel like this is not even OCD. I have Harm OCD. I have had the thoughts, urges, and images. It has felt so real and so scary. I have been able to use ERP for all of that and was mainly successful. But now something new is happening and it does not feel like it is OCD. I cannot even put into words what it feels like, but I will try. It feels like the thoughts have overtaken me and now I’m this evil person who will act on the thoughts. My anxiety is not super high, which scares me because it feels like I have gone too far into the dark side. It feels like I have had these thoughts too long and they are all I can think about. It feels like I’m no longer myself and my identity has changed. I feel very weird. Like not even myself. It feels like there is this dark cloud following me and I try to use ERP but it does not feel like it is working. Not sure if I am ruminating or not because I have no idea what is even going on. I am living my life still, but it feels like it is just a matter of time until I snap. I am very scared right now because I’m not sure what this means and I cannot figure it out. I wish I could explain it perfectly but I do not even know how to put it into words.

Harm OCD

Username: lucy.slucy.s

Date posted: 1y ago

This! It has been the version of OCD that has been the most frightening! The anxiety is used to feel was a proxy to reassure myself that I am not those thoughts. Now, there is little to no anxiety and it feels beyond real. I am thankful that this is not just something that has happened to me. It truly feels like the intrusive thoughts have changed me and I am now an evil psychopath, narcissist, serial killer waiting to happen. I totally understand what you mean. Thank you for being brave enough to share the experience without filters, as it allows myself and many others to understand that this is yet another form of OCD. I feel there comes a point in your journey when you have experienced things for so long and it doesn’t affect you the same as it used to, so it switches tactics. And this, too, is just an OCD tactic. I feel confident about that in this moment, reading your post, among many others today with virtually the same experience. Of course, the doubt will inevitably return, but I think it will help immensely to know this is widely experienced phenomenon in the OCD community. Thank you, and know that you are not alone!

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

@lucy.s Thank you so much for your response. It honestly feels like I’m in a trance right now!

Username: lucy.slucy.s

Date posted: 1y ago

@Catlove9 I get you completely! But like all other games that OCD plays, eventually we will see through it.

Username: Maddie811Maddie811

Date posted: 1y ago

I feel like this too, it devastates me on the daily, then I try to feel better each day and get support from family/friends and then that makes me feel even weirder because I start believing I am evil/just seeking sympathy and am in denial or something. I can relate 100% to everything you said, I can’t thank you enough because you put into words exactly what I have been experiencing. I’m going to share this with my therapist if that’s ok.

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

@Maddie811 Your response made me tear up because I feel so alone right now. Please share with your therapist. I’m so happy I could help.

Username: Maddie811Maddie811

Date posted: 1y ago

@Catlove9 Thank you I am so happy we could let eachother know we’re not alone ❤️

Username: mirbrachmirbrach

Date posted: 1y ago

Amen!

Username: 0cD&ME_2O0cD&ME_2O

Date posted: 1y ago

Yes! This is exactly what I’ve been experiencing!

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

@BrittanyDawn94 I am glad I am not alone but I am sorry you are going through this.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 3y ago

Hey y’all i need to know if someone relates to what I’m going through. I feel almost like if I wanted to act on my thoughts but I actually don’t because this doesn’t please me at all. So if someone told me “You have Harm OCD” I would be like “really? So I don’t wanna harm people? Neither am I capable?” I have no clue why would that be my answer when I haven’t desired anything. But somehow it makes me feel like I do, and consequently makes me feel like I’m in denial. So it feels like if an unconscious part of me wants to do it but I am just resisting. I literally can’t go anywhere, I don’t wanna live any second more, because I feel so disturbed all the time. I feel like I’m gonna end up doing it, I feel so overwhelmed by these feelings,thoughts, images, urges, that I would avoid everything, like going anywhere. I hate feeling like this but I feel like there’s no way back, i can’t picture myself being good in the future because I feel like “this is what i want” when it’s not. I feel like it’s a time bomb for me to do something. I do not tolerate this, every minute that passes by I feel it closer to happen. I feel like I’m gonna collapse and act on it. I don’t even know if that’s what I want, but I don’t think it is, I think it just feels like it. Help I don’t know what to do.

Harm OCD

Username: BetterDays

Date posted: 2y ago

Does anyone especially with harm ocd feel like they are their thoughts and want to do these things? Like no matter how hard I try and even during my therapy session I get the constant, “what if this isn’t OCD?”, “you like these thoughts”, “your a bad person”, “your going to act on these thoughts.” It gotten to the point where it feels like I’m actually this person and that I have changed into an evil person and it’s so scary cause it’s gotten to the point where it feels like I’m never going to get my life back and that’s saddening. I’ve never had a violent history never hurt anyone or anything but I don’t know why it feels like I am.

Username: Thanks for t...

Date posted: 1y ago

Harm OCD

Is anyone else scared to not fight their intrusive thoughts about seriously hurting people and even killing them? Like the premise of ERP is to just let the thoughts flow and not do compulsions, but I’m scared if I don’t stop them or ruminate to keep them in check, then they will get out of hand and I will suddenly want to act on them. I’m terrified that suddenly I won’t be the kind, empathetic, harmless person I’ve always been. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I also fear that it’s not OCD and I’ve just been faking it or trying to convince myself that it is OCD.

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Feeling unsure if current thoughts are still part of my Harm OCD.

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