ROCD triggered by engagement

I’ve probably always had ROCD but it wasn’t debilitating at all and it was always more not being sure if they love me and asking for reassurance. Then I got engaged. I knew it was coming because we were very open about the process and I was SO EXCITED. I practically planned the wedding a year before the engagement. We have been together for 10 years (we were teenagers when we started dating) and we always joked that we were forever in the honeymoon stage, we were infatuated with each other for a whole decade. We are best friends, we can be goofy together, and he brings me so much comfort. When we got engaged, something in me changed. I had this intrusive thought of “are you sure you love him” and it sent me into my first panic attack ever. I took off of work, I was bedridden. My relationship has always been the most secure and important part of my life, take that away and nothing else matters to me. I fell into a depression, for months I haven’t felt love for him, family, or friends. I haven’t done anything of enjoyment for 6 months. For 6 months, I’ve sat on the couch and went to work. I can’t stop these intrusive thoughts of wanting to leave and run. I love my life with him and I want it back. Someone told me that it’s possible I’ve had this passing thought before but shook it off. Now that we’re engaged, it’s like I’m on a deadline of when I should feel normal again. We haven’t set a date yet but there are expectations from others that feel like it’s counting down. Without thinking I’ll go to kiss or hug him and then my brain goes “what was that, was that live or are you forcing it” obviously the love won’t come back when I’m constantly doing that, but I can’t help it. He knows the full extent of everything and has been amazing and strong for me even though I know it must hurt him. It makes me want to be with him more. I can logically remind myself how he makes me feel but I can’t shake these intrusive thoughts.

Relationship OCD

thereishope:)

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 2y

Hi Carly19 - I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Just know that you're not alone! OCD loves to focus on uncertainty and target things that we feel very strongly about (e.g., the love for your fiancé), and I have found myself struggling at times with similar intrusive thoughts about my girlfriend. A NOCD expert would be best equipped to help you here, but in short - in my experience, OCD also made it difficult to "feel" that "honeymoon love" at times because my brain was bombarding me with questions and feelings of uncertainty. It was only when I learned to cope with the OCD by accepting whatever thoughts it produced as purely that - thoughts (nothing more than images / words produced by my brain that have no inherent truth or falsehood) could I truly realize how much I loved my girlfriend. Ironically, it was in accepting the uncertainty that I MAY love her or I MAY not love her (to deal with the OCD) that I have gotten the most clarity that I in fact due deeply love my girlfriend (funny how OCD works :)). Also, the more I contemplated markers of my love outside of pure emotion (which as we have seen - OCD can really manipulate), I had even greater confidence in my love. Thinking about how much I deeply care about her, how much I desire the best for her, how much I love spending time with her, how much I want to raise a family / grow old with her, how wonderful of a person she is, etc. - with no goal of convincing myself / arguing against OCD, but just in reflecting how grateful I am to have this person in my life - it is clear to me how much I love her in spite of whatever thoughts / emotions OCD causes me to have. Also in a funny way, OCD is preparing me for marriage because I recognize that should my girlfriend and I get married, my feelings on a given day (especially several decades from now) may not mirror those in the "honeymoon" stage, but that does not mean I have lost any love for my wife. Not sure if this helps - but always remember, there is hope - and the experts at NOCD would be happy to help you I'm sure!

faye1010

Date posted: 24w

ROCD

Good morning everyone, I need some opinions or help on what people might think is wrong. March 2024 is when I started questioning everything about my relationship for no reason he is everything that I wanted, but my mind is trying to tell me that it isn't April 2024 was probably one of the worst times of my life I stayed home from work because I was constantly crying and totally sick because I didn't know what to do. The thoughts slowly started to not bother me as much. I feel like since it ever started I never have gotten that. Love feeling back for my boyfriend, but I want it back so bad because when I did have it, it was absolutely amazing. I have no desire to kiss him or be intimate with him either which also scares me fast-forward to today. I am waking up with so many doubts in questioning myself. Is this ever gonna go away or am I ever gonna feel that love back for my boyfriend ever again? I feel like I'm wasting his time and my time because it feels never ending. I went to a therapist shortly after starting to deal with this and she didn't really seem to help so now on Wednesday I have a new therapist that specializes in OCD I think does anyone have any advice? Thank you so much in advance.

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

I’m so lost. Help me

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

Anonymous

Date posted: 18w

ROCD

I know I love my fiancé so much. The 5 years we have been together have been the best of my life, yet I am questioning everything all the time. The constant doubts and fears and negative thoughts about him are so loud and so persistent. It feels like this will never end

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ROCD triggered by engagement

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