- Date posted
- 2y ago
My story
Hello, I want to share my story. My name is Julia. I found out about OCD only 6-7 years ago. In fact, I haven't confirmed the diagnosis of OCD. But everything goes to this. I'm just afraid, I'm not ready to hear a real diagnosis. I understand that you can't prepare for this. It's like any physical illness. I visited 3 different psychotherapists. Simply because I like to avoid anything that gets complicated. Only with the last of them, I was the most open. About six months ago, I interrupted our sessions. It seemed to me that at that moment it became a little easier for me. Now I'm getting worse again. Where do you get your strength? My primary symptoms: 1. Dermatillomania (skin picking), maybe it comes as a separate mental disorder, but my specialist said that most likely these are related things. 2. I constantly do cleaning, literally every day I come home from work and start dusting, disinfecting all the things that are in my bag, all the door handles. This process can take from 1 to 3 hours a day. I used to think that I like to clean, that it relaxes me. When in fact, I hate doing it, but I can’t just stop myself. The slightest mote on the floor irritates me. It's very difficult to force yourself to accept the fact that the principle "order in the room - order in the head" doesn't matter at all. I'm tired of this, sometimes I manage to agree with myself and convince myself that if I forget to dust, I won't die from it. But this rarely happens. I have doubts about my sexual orientation, whether I have OCD at all, whether I'm real or am I in some kind of dream. Sometimes it seems to me that the objects around me simply don't exist. My riatul before going to bed - I need to check several times whether the door, windows are closed, the iron is turned off from the outlet. Are all things in the right places and in the "correct" position. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. There are too many thoughts in my head, obsessive thoughts. I can't deal with all of them. I’m constantly trying to control things... even things I can't control. For example, when there is a heavy downpour and a thunderstorm begins. I close all windows, recheck the situation every 5 seconds. I want to influence the weather, but how? It's just not possible. Also, I try to unconsciously control other people and their thoughts. It annoys me. In the future I want to have children. Every day I think about what if they have OCD, how I can help them. What if I hurt them. I'm already making scenarios with bad endings. Every day I think that I'm a bad person, that I'm only making things worse for everyone. Or something like "maybe I'm capable of murder", "maybe I'm evil." I google the symptoms all the time and think I might die. I’m tired of people telling me I’m "too sensitive". I try to be kind to myself, but sometimes I fail. I'm so tired of my thoughts. I rarely cry. One bad experience in the past still has consequences. I don't know how to cry, especially in front of people. I have too much control over my feelings and emotions. When I feel bad, I just distance myself from everyone, I don’t want to communicate with anyone. Also lately I can't make a single decision. I feel constant guilt for no particular reason. I have trouble concentrating and haven't been doing my job well in recent weeks. How do you manage to control yourself? Are there any techniques/methods that help you? I do various workouts (yoga, stretching, etc.) at home. But sometimes even it doesn't help me relax and not think too much. I have good friends who will always support and help. But it's difficult for me to discuss my condition with them, simply because they'll not understand. I would like to talk to those who understand perfectly how I feel. I apologize that my post was too chaotic. There is a complete chaos of thoughts in my head. Also, sorry if my post has mistakes. English isn't my native language.