rocd and emotional cheating

i called another guy my platonic soulmate the other day (unsure whether or not he heard me say it). i am so anxious about this. i was drunk and talking to a friend when i said it. the worst part is i do have a LOT in common with this guy. we’re incredibly similar, and i’ve worried for a long time that i might have a crush on him because of this. we’re alike in a lot of ways that me and my boyfriend aren’t. but i love my boyfriend and choose my boyfriend and that’s that. if i never saw this other guy again, i’d be fine. i’d be relieved even! from here on out i’m gonna make an effort to distance myself from this other guy. i just can’t believe i called him my platonic soulmate. i’m genuinely so distressed and upset about this. the guilt is horrible. i’m scared this is a form of cheating. if my boyfriend found out, i’m scared he’d be heartbroken. i feel like i have to tell him but don’t want to. but it feels like i’m hiding something from him if i don’t. if he called a girl he had a lot in common with his platonic soulmate i would be so upset with him. genuinely. so how can i get away with this! do i tell my boyfriend or not?? and is this cheating?

Username: kdobkdob

Date posted: 1y ago

Hi there, I know from experience that my response will not be what you want to hear right now, but here goes: you are looking for answers and reassurance, but you will not find them. You looking for reassurance, and trying to find it is a compulsion. The feeling of relief you may get when someone tells you it’s not cheating, or that there’s no need to tell your boyfriend, will only be temporary. You’ll just start worrying about the next thing. Someone may respond and say it’s not cheating, and you’ll feel relieved…for a little while. Then you’ll wonder if you’re wrong. Maybe you’ll decide to tell you boyfriend and he forgives you, and you’ll feel better…for a while. Then you’ll worry you told him the wrong way, or maybe you downplayed the seriousness of what you did. And you’ll try to tell more, and get more reassurance. I have been through this before. Chasing that relief is a compulsion, and you need to get to the root of the problem- the obsession. You have to learn to experience obsessive thoughts and simply say, “maybe I cheated, maybe I didn’t. Maybe this would devastate my boyfriend. Maybe it wouldn’t.” I always say, “maybe….maybe not.” Maybe remind yourself that even if the worst case scenario happens- you cheated, your boyfriend is devastated, and you break up- you CAN handle it. It doesn’t mean you’ll have to, but you can handle it. You must try to experience an obsessive and upsetting thought without compulsively seeking relief and trying to make the thought go away. Imaginal exposures (record of script of yourself talking through the worst case scenario) are a great way to get better that this. They helped me tremendously, and still do. Wishing you all the best- it WILL get better. Try your absolute hardest to STOP compulsively seeking reassurance.

Username: garden garden

Date posted: 1y ago

@kdob thank you. i suppose i just don’t know what to do. like if i was a normal person without ocd, what would i do? is it disrespectful to keep such a thing to myself? would my friends keep this to themselves? i honestly can’t tell. my entire judgement is clouded. i know confessing would be a compulsion but where’s the line between human confessional behaviour and compulsive behaviour?

Username: kdobkdob

Date posted: 1y ago

@garden I totally understand, and it is frustrating to not know where the line of right vs wrong is. I suppose if OCD wasn’t clouding your judgement, you likely wouldn’t experience this uncertainty about whether or not calling someone a “soulmate” was a form of betrayal. You would simply realize that you obviously love your boyfriend and want to be with him, no matter what you said while drunk. And being similar to another person/being friends with another person is not a relationship-shattering phenomenon. Being friends with another person isn’t cheating. But OCD makes us read into every word, every thought, and every action and feel like it’s a form a betrayal. OCD makes you ruminate as you try to find certainty about everything, when in reality nothing is ever certain. Give yourself some grace and forgiveness for saying something meaningless, and try to sit with the discomfort and uncertainty of NOT telling him, before deciding whether you should actually tell your boyfriend what you said. And consider whether you are telling him because it’s something he needs to know, or if it’s just a way to make yourself feel better. I have been through a very similar situation, and in the end, my boyfriend asked me to stop confessing these things that I thought were wrong. It was only hurting him and making him think I had a bigger confession I was leading to (like actual cheating), when I really didn’t- I was just dealing with the same uncertain feelings you are dealing with right now, and ruminating over small things that didn’t matter.

Username: HonestArtistHonestArtist

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I feel for you and I second this ☝🏻

Username: dw23dw23

Date posted: 1y ago

i do not want to give you reassurance, but i will leave you with this fact: “platonic” means just that, platonic! all of your friendships are platonic. you care for this person, but not in a romantic or sexual way. you can have many different soulmates in your lifetime, and in most cases: very few of these soulmates are romantic/sexual. you mentioned “platonic soulmates”, it means you see this person as a very good friend. don’t be too hard on yourself, sit with the uncomfortable feelings! you’ll get through this!

Username: garden garden

Date posted: 1y ago

@dw23 i guess i just worry i SAID platonic because i had to. but didn’t actually feel that way. i honestly can’t tell if i see this guy romantically

Username: EM77

Date posted: 2y ago

I feel terrible and guilty writing this. I find my boyfriend’s best friend really physically attractive, maybe more attractive than my boyfriend. It’s giving me a serious case of “the grass is greener elsewhere” feelings. I find my boyfriend more emotionally attractive though. There’s a lot of “icks” with the other guy but I can’t get past his good looks. My boyfriend and I have similar values and he’d be a great life partner. The other guy, I’m pretty sure, would be emotionally unavailable in a relationship as he’s not looking for anything serious which feels familiar to me as in the past I only fell in love with emotionally unavailable men. My boyfriend isn’t the most conventionally attractive guy, he’s average but sometimes I think he’s really attractive and he does turn me on. I’ve experienced ROCD thoughts since the beginning (am I in love, do I find him attractive enough?). Last weekend was amazing, we’d spent two weeks not seeing each other because we were both away and coming back together felt like the honeymoon phase again. I was so in love and told him I loved him whilst looking him in the eyes and I didn’t doubt my feelings at all. We talked about getting engaged and I was whole heartedly in it. His best friend has become another focus of my anxious thoughts but there’s some truth behind it which makes me more worried and more convinced I shouldn’t be in this relationship. It feels unfair on him but I want him to be my forever. Please don’t be harsh if you comment, it’s taken a lot to type this out and get it off my chest

Relationship OCD

Username: guesswhosback

Date posted: 2y ago

Relationship - cheating? :(

So I made a mistake and I need to confess to someone. Me and my girlfriend have been on a break because of relationship shit. An exclusive break. I think you can see where this is going. Then whilst I'm travelling abroad I might this lovely girl and I'm attracted to her but I don't think twice about it (don't want to obsess). Fast forward and me and our group of friends, including her go drinking. We get drunk. Then there's three of us and we go clubbing and I feel the tension between us and I address it and tell her I have a girlfriend and I don't want to cheat. She's completely fine with it. Cool right? But still I feel so guilty because we were too close when we danced, and I held her hand because I was just happy to be around someone that got me and I would never see her again because the next morning she's flying back to her own country. I kiss her cheek goodbye and I leave pretty happy. I also remember telling her I wanted to kiss her (but I didn't want to because relationship) and I feel so so so so so so so bad and guilty I feel so shit. Okay I didn't cheat but why did I say those things??? Why did I do that??? My intentions weren't to flirt, I was just happy in that moment. But still I can't believe it was me who did that. I'm in denial I don't know. I feel so bad. I don't know how much I should tell my girlfriend and we're complicated enough as it is. I'd appreciate it if someone listened without too much judgement I know I did a bad thing

Relationship OCD

Username: dreamerxo

Date posted: 51w ago

rocd cheating- need advice

hi guys, im really looking for advice right now. this is going to be a super long post with a lot to it so i apologise in advance! i know reassurance isn’t good, but i really feel like sometimes it really confuses you on whether something is bad or not? does that make sense? i’ve been with my bf a while now and when we’re good things are amazing, but when they’re bad they’re bad. long story short, there’s been many incidents where he’s been name calling me, including very degrading words such as “wh*re” and when he called me this a few months ago this summer, i was very upset. he took me out the next day to make it up for me but then i saw messages on his phone between him and his friends of videos & pics of other girls. some were half naked, some had better bodies than me, society’s desired body shape. keep in mind his friend is married and he’s doing this too. anyway- i see my boyfriend send a post of a girl that tried to make a move on him during a night out (which he was honest about) but he sent it to his friend and said he “shagged her” i feel sick even writing this still. he swore on his little brothers life, my life and god he was just joking. but it got to me so so much bc i felt so mentally drained from the previous days argument and now this. my anxiety was sky high after for ages. even now when i think about it i still have doubts. fast forward to two weeks ago, i saw more messages on my bf’s phone of half naked girls (even tho he was apologetic about doing it the first time round and knew how much it impacted my self esteem, confidence and mental health) and i couldn’t stop crying. the worst thing is i said to him show me the messages and he deleted them. there’s been a few incidents last year where he liked other girls pics too and claimed it wasn’t him. idk i believe him but sometimes i dont. like all of this on top of the hurtful things he’s said to me really really get to me so much. we had a convo about it just over a week ago and he promised to do better which is good but i feel the damage is there. anyway, i have very bad rocd in terms of cheating. like me being unfaithful. i constantly avoid other men and interacting with them. like i won’t even walk past them. even opening the doors to delivery drivers give me sm anxiety it makes me sick. i don’t go on social media after a certain time incase i message someone and don’t remember. so last week i had a party, and my fears were still there bc i knew other men will be there and i did avoidance still. but there was a moment when i was taking pics of my aunt and a group of guys walked past me and the attraction felt so real and different to all times before, even the GR. i feel so disloyal even typing this. i feel like i cheated. and im scared that bc this attraction was there (maybe fueled more by the ocd) what if i stepped towards the guys when they walked past? i know i didn’t make contact bc id feel it and id know (even tho im doubting this) but im scared that i stepped towards them out of the attraction which is scaring me so so much. like if i did i cheated right? my friend said no. but i feel so sick. i also feel like feeling the attraction was bad, it felt intense but this may have been ocd mixed in? idk? but then the other part of me is maybe i felt like that subconsciously bc of the issues with my boyfriend? im not sure, i feel very confused at the moment. i have the biggest urge to confess but im scared. i think im more scared because of the times my bf has spoken about other girls etc and he’d do it more. bc one time he said he’d do something with another girl if i did something and after he felt bad when he said it but i feel like its really impacted my nervous system. do i confess? did i cheat?

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