I feel like I'm going to break

No one around me understands what its like to have this torment constantly in my head. My religious father is waiting for the chance every day to explain why these thoughts are "oppressive spirits" attacking me, and neither of them understand why I'm still tortured by them. I feel so alone. I know I show every symptom of OCD but I feel like such an evil and undeserving person, and my dad wanting to push his religion day in day out makes me want to snap. Having these two concurrent pressures on my mind makes sanity hard to maintain. I just don't get why I had to be born this way and be predisposed to being miserable. It's not like I can easily even self medicate either because I believe it's my fault and the guilt is all consuming, of which I can do nothing about and yet it's yelling over and over I'm to blame and need further punishment. I just can't take it anymore. I'm probably going to keep using drugs I guess until I get a good therapist, because I just can't take this anymore now that I have no one to talk to who would understand. I have done some exposure therapy but it's just so hard. I hate my past self. I hate that I was born just to be unhappy. I'm definitely autistic and misunderstood and mistaught my whole life until I got into my later teenage years, so rationally I know I should not blame myself, and that my real events have more nuance behind them, but fuck man I am pushed to my limit every day. I hate always feeling so sad when I see everyone else in public living life normally. I feel like a lost cause, and my SI is slowly coming back in because it feels like there's nothing I can do anymore and that I've tried everything. I'm so fucking tired. Even if I can see everything logically line up with OCD, it doesn't matter. I feel alone, I feel like I can never be understood, and I feel like I don't deserve sympathy anyways. I fucking hate life and myself. I managed to do it so wrong I guess. I question why I even bother sometimes. One day I'm going to have a meltdown and scream my lungs out again, I'm counting on it. 🫠

Idk567

Date posted: 2y

Honestly I'm so glad you decided to just let it all out and say what you've been feeling because that in itself can help so much! It definitely doesn't help when you don't have anybody that you feel you can talk to or that will understand.. I also am in a religious family but the difference is that it's never right to make somebody that is struggling to feel as if they especially deserve whatever they are struggling with..sadly a lot of the time we end up twisting things around in our minds, no matter what other say, that it is our fault and that we are the most deserving of what we are struggling with. I know that coming from a religious background/being religious can cause a lot of really difficult questions such as: are these thoughts coming from "spirits", why do these thoughts keep coming back no matter what then, etc. I think the important thing to understand is that OCD is a very real and difficult disorder, it can be just as debilitating as a physical affliction..just like we can be afflicted by a physical disease we can be affected by a mental disorder and this means that it needs to be addressed and treated with the same level of attention. I hate to hear someone feeling so alone because personally I think that's one of the worst places to be, please know that there are people who do understand! Talking about it and not bottling it all up is the always the best way to go. If you want, try to find outlets to let out your frustration and stress (in a healthy way ofc lol) (muay thai and jiu jitsu/physical exercise help things a bit for me! :)) past things that bother you are always hard to deal with, but maybe try to remember that you still have the choice and opportunity to look back and learn from your past self and do differently in the future/present if that's what you need to do. You always deserve to be heard and sympathized with, reading this broke me in places that I didn't want to remember..being in a place where you feel hopeless and like you can't even try anymore because it's not worth it and that you're just heading to a meltdown all over again is the worst feeling ever..no, not everybody will really understand because they haven't been there themselves but, believe me, there are those who do understand because they've felt it too. Knowing the cause of what you're struggling with helps of course, but managing/treating is what comes next so I really hope for your sake that you make progress in finding something that works for you! Hang in there, stay strong, (this isn't supposed to be ironic but really..I'll be praying for you!) You're here for a reason:) <3

seagull2

Date posted: 2y

Thank you so much for this

Idk567

Date posted: 2y

@seagull2 Of course, I really hope it gets better!

seagull2

Date posted: 2y

I can't do it anymore.

seagull2

Date posted: 2y

Goodbye for now.

jemcu812

Date posted: 2y

I get so angry at OCD .

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

izenap

Date posted: 5w

...

i feel depressed. i’m so tired of living with constant guilt, fear, and pain. i feel so lost and lifeless. i feel like i’m not living for myself anymore. i'm so done with my life. i really hate myself. it’s all my fault. everything that goes wrong and everything that keeps happening to me is all my fault. i feel sorry for the people who have me in their lives. they don’t deserve someone like me. this world doesn’t deserve a person like me. i can’t do this anymore. every night, i keep crying. i just don’t want to wake up the next morning, yet i keep waking up. for me, another day is another suffering. i hate myself so much. i don’t deserve anything good. i hate my really bad and dark thoughts, and i can’t tell whether they are truly mine or not. the guilt is eating me alive, and i feel hopeless and undeserving of forgiveness. my family doesn’t know about my struggles, and i don’t want them to. i don’t want to be a burden or make them feel like they failed as parents. i don’t want to make their lives any harder. i just hate my religious ocd. sometimes i think i’m just making it an excuse. i feel sorry for God and Jesus for being this kind of person. i wish i wasn’t born into this world. i can’t continue living like this. i feel like i’m going insane. i’m just accepting that i’m horrible, and that all those bad thoughts are mine. that i'm disrespectful and a terrible person. i'm not suicidal. i’m just so tired of living like this. i'm not expecting happiness or anything good because i don’t deserve any of it. i feel like a disgusting person. i hate that someone like me still has the courage to show up every day around other people. i deserve all the pain and to drown in it. i just want to vent about what i really feel right now because it feels so heavy and unbearable. i don’t want to make others’ lives miserable or hurt God anymore.

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I feel like I'm going to break

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