Real Event spiral (currently in hell)

I can’t remember what triggered this theme this time, but it’s been almost a week and I’m in hell. I just cannot accept the person I was as a teenager and the things I’ve done. It feels like I don’t even know who that person is anymore but I know that it’s myself and it’s so hard to accept I’ve done such heinous things. I want to kill myself but I don’t want to die… I want to go back in time and change these things but the very fact that I can’t leaves me with no other choice except suicide. I simply cannot understand how people move past their mistakes. I feel so unstable rn I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, sleep… haven’t left my bed except for work. I’m struggling so bad rn but my OCD tells me I deserve it. Maybe I do, I don’t know anymore my whole life is tainted and so are those for whom I’ve hurt.

Username: sebrinasebrina

Date posted: 1y ago

You deserve to forgive yourself, no matter the mistakes or bad choices. I know it’s hard to see that or feel that way because our OCD Brain makes us believe the most darkest lies. But know this… you are not your symptoms or thoughts. You are worthy of this life and you happiness is your birthright. You are not alone. I know what guilt and shame feels like… I know what terrible fear feels like too. But I know that I want to live life. Usually when I feel afraid or am going down a spiral, I try this prayer. It’s called the ‘Ho’oponopono prayer’ and anyone can try this. Close your eyes, place your hand over your heart and repeatedly say “please forgive me, I’m sorry, thank you, I love you” and really lean into that. You are safe friend. Here for you

Username: cmim2077cmim2077

Date posted: 1y ago

@sebrina Thank you so much for your kind comment. I’m having a hard time believing it right now, but I will try the prayer. Thank you friend.

Username: seagull2seagull2

Date posted: 1y ago

You really lifted me too. How much have you recovered? I'd like to hear more about your journey if you're wanting to share :)

Username: HumannnnnHumannnnn

Date posted: 1y ago

Please please stay. You are absolutely needed in world. Stay, dear. I was exact in your place and I promise you, things are absolutely going to get better. We are all nothing but human beings who can make mistakes ofc!! Please call the suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255. They can help. And sending u my love and hugs hehe ♥️

Username: cmim2077cmim2077

Date posted: 1y ago

@Call me nishi ~ Thank you so much, Nishi ❤️ I really appreciate the support right no. I’m glad things have gotten better for you. Luckily I have my therapy appointment here starting Thursday so I’m hoping things go well 🤞

Username: seagull2seagull2

Date posted: 1y ago

@cmim2077 They will get better for the both of us 💜

Username: Lala33Lala33

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Remember that this will pass. It's not going to be bad like this forever, OK? Everything shifts and changes and ebbs and flows, and you WILL feel better.

Username: seagull2seagull2

Date posted: 1y ago

Exactly

Username: seagull2seagull2

Date posted: 1y ago

I've been struggling with this one as well. I'm glad you're talking to a therapist. I was in your place for 4-5 months starting in July and while it is still very hard, I've gotten much better than I was then. I couldn't do much in the day at all in those times, but now I can go about my days relatively as usual. Therapy and medication are still to be worked on for me but they've helped immensely. I still struggle daily with wanting to give up but the fact it's not as bad now has proven to me I can get out of this. If it's gotten better for me when I had no hope, then it can get better for you. I believe and you should believe that all humans have worth and should live and be happy. We deserve endless empathy for ourselves and others. People who say things contrary to that are the bad people, because they don't understand your story and are making rash judgements. This perspective takes time to adopt but please forgive yourself and move forward in therapy. I promise the sun will start to shine through the clouds, just keep going. ❤️💜

Username: seagull2seagull2

Date posted: 1y ago

I believe this video would be helpful for a lot of people to watch: https://youtu.be/YxKxi8iM-lw

Username: chamomilegirl

Date posted: 4y ago

I have Real event ocd about things I did as a kid at 12/13. It’s killing me because it really happened but I feel like a different person now completely. my actions disgust me and it makes me feel like i don’t deserve to be alive. I constantly have flashbacks about the events and it sends me into a state of panic, I feel as if my younger self has traumatized my older self. i’m so scared that things I did make this true, i really am a bad person, even though i’m an adult now and would never never ever do that again. I’m so scared. All I want is to be a good person but I keep remembering gross things I did and now I feel like the biggest fraud to friends and family and everything good in my life.

"Pure" OCD

Username: 123g

Date posted: 36w ago

Don’t Even Know if It’s OCD or not Anymore

I can’t even tell if my intrusive thoughts are real or not. Sometimes I feel like I want the thoughts or am just in denial and some of the actions I’ve done in my past, I can’t forgive myself for. I have Real Event OCD and I can’t forgive myself for my mistakes. I hate myself so much. I hate feeling like such a bad person all the time. My themes have also continuously switched and it feels like I have a new theme every few months. I’m so done with this and I don’t know what to do.

Username: anon70

Date posted: 22w ago

Venting

I remember feeling guilt and trying to ‘solve’ my real event right after it happened. I remember feeling bad and thinking of every possible outcome. I think eventually I convinced myself nothing bad would happen? or I just ignored it and forgot? I honestly don’t know. After some time I think about 1-2 years it has come back up again and I can acknowledge that I did something wrong but I can’t remember all the details now. I’m terrified of what I can’t remember and I have these false memories that would take the event and make it so so much worse. I wish I could turn back time and tell myself not to forget or to just look at all the facts and have a clear view of everything. I’ve thought about killing myself so much and although I’ve confessed to the people I’m closest to and they have told me that they would still love me after all (which made me feel even worse) I still don’t think I could ever move on without knowing exactly what happened. I used to have dreams and recently obtained a great degree but now I just don’t even think I’m worthy of breathing on this earth. I just want to be someone else completely. I don’t know what I’ve done and it’s driving me insane.

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Real Event spiral (currently in hell)

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