Anyone else feel this?

Just for background info, I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks since I was around 16. I’m currently 25. I’ve struggled with OCD for the last 5ish years. It started as a what if I hurt my husband or my animals and then spiraled into nonstop intrusive thoughts that lasted every day/second for several months until I got on Zoloft which seemed to help a lot. The thoughts ranged from harm thoughts, being possessed, being schizophrenic, going into psychosis, losing control/my mind, etc. then once I started the Zoloft and saw a psychiatrist that told me I was experiencing OCD, I felt much better about not being insane and that took a lot of the anxiety away. Well 8mo ago, we welcomed our first child into the world and it was a fear of mine when I became pregnant that the OCD would latch on to my baby. I just knew I would get intrusive thoughts. Well to my surprise, my OCD mainly stayed at bay and I haven’t had any spirals in a really really long time. Wellllll, then I see the Clancy case in the news and it sent me into a downward spiral. So fast. And I tried to help myself by reminding myself “it’s just the OCD, you know what this is. This isn’t you. You wouldn’t hurt your baby” but I couldn’t help but continue researching this mother and comparing myself to her and trying to find similarities. Constantly ruminating in my head to try to figure out what drove her to do what she did and if I’m capable of the same. It has just been very dark in my head and so consuming. I feel guilty when I look at my baby. I feel like a terrible person/mother. The thoughts are just out of control once again. I sometimes have moments of happiness/normalcy and not thinking negatively but it’s almost like I’ll “catch” myself feeling normal and not anxious. And then boom, intrusive thought. It’s almost like I won’t allow myself to be happy and feel normal. It’s so draining. Anyone else struggling with something similar?

Postpartum OCD

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

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Anonymous 567

Date posted: 2y

@Jasm9 I guess what makes us different is the awareness..? From what I saw she had psychosis and she didn’t have OCD. She had a long term struggle with other issues like depression, not being able to feel things and I also read the concoction of meds she was on wasn’t good and could interact. I mean some of these antipsychotics and anxiety meds CAN cause homicidal thoughts. Not intrusive. I think the moms that do these things are not even 1% aware of what’s happening. Which then feeds into my well what if I get psychosis and I’m not aware or what if these thoughts don’t scare me. etc. but all that aside, because all im really doing is feeding into both of our compulsions by trying to reassure us both 😂🙃we are not her. Her story is not ours. We have our own stories. Yes she asked for help and didn’t get the proper help but we truly have no idea what she went through internally. What her childhood was like. All the information we have is literally from the internet. We are seeing a fraction of this woman’s life. We don’t know if the sources are 100% truthful and at the end of the day, I highly doubt she was on OCD forums seeking reassurance and worrying about her thoughts. It’s so hard but at least we aren’t the only ones out there feeling this way because of this. I will literally in my head say “I freaking hate you Lindsay.”😂😂for sending me into this fuckin spiral

erickaM

Date posted: 2y

Our stories are so similar! I just didn’t know it was ocd until just a couple weeks ago!!!! It started also after my first (now 3) but I was working then I seemed to have made it through any major spirals. But now with my second (18 mo)who has some special needs I know longer work. It started with worrying about his health conditions while pregnant then once he was here and things began to settle I seen one article about a mom doing something to her older daughter and I have been In Constant spiral. Also feel good and normal then BAM it comes in a new way and form. I took myself off antidepressants and only made it 4 mo without and just started them again this week. It’s so hard because I couldn’t dare tell anyone I know. They are just thoughts. They do not define us in ANY way.

erickaM

Date posted: 2y

After understanding OCD I have dealt with is off and on for almost as long as I can remember. I think around 9 years old. They were always things I could kinda get past though.

Kateymm

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 42w

Hi are you feeling any better? I’m struggling with the same thing now

3xDisorders

Date posted: 25w

Trying but struggling

First post... I ruminate all the time, getting triggered by the smallest things that remind me of terrible events in my life or fears tied to my compulsions. It could be as small as a lawyer looking at my LinkedIn profile and me convincing myself that means I'm getting sued. Or even an article about taxes that makes me spiral into thinking I'm negligent. I could be fine one minute & wonder if I'm making it all up and then cry for two hours the next, cursing people who are neurotypical and wishing I could be like them. I tried talk therapy for two years and now I'm doing NOCD + ERP because I'm pregnant and had to reduce my dose of medication. Pregnancy almost made my OCD mental compulsions worse, and I got diagnosised with MDD, too. Not to mention the skin picking disorder I've had since childhood. It's becoming really hard to be positive despite a daily gratitude journal, walking 5k steps a day, and doing calming yoga with the occasional meditation when things get really bad. I'm trying, I really am. But having three diagnosed disorders makes me feel like I'm set up to fail despite having a wonderful husband and life, plus my coming first baby. It makes me feel like a horrible person when everything around me is seemingly fine but I can't seem to focus enough on the present to appreciate it. I feel so lost about it all and am plagued by guilt and shame. Does anyone else relate?

Bradinrichard2

Date posted: 21w

Pocd

I’ve always had ocd. But never experienced pocd until after I got pregnant and was fixing to deliver. Anyone else? I’ve been struggling with this for almost 2 years 😩 and Prozac gives me heart palpitations I’m at my breaking point. Idk who I am anymore. And it’s so hard having to be a mother of two on top of not wanting to do anything bc my brain tells me everything I’m doing is inappropriate ☹️

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

POCD and changing baby diaper - please help

Hi NOCD community, I was hoping to get some advice from fellow sufferers. In December we welcomed the first baby into the family, my beautiful niece. Since then, my POCD has been awful, which I know is probably very normal. Last week, in the middle of a very high stress day in my family, I was changing my niece and as usually happens, I got intrusive thoughts about awful things people do to babies when changing them. The thoughts were so harrowing to have as I was also changing her at the exact same time, and I felt my hands just quickly want to finish patting her dry before putting her nappy on, and for some reason, my heart dropped with that hand movement, because I was afraid that I had acted out the awful thoughts in my head, in a moment of mania because my morals, values and heart do not align with abuse of any kind, especially to children. My niece is my everything, and I know I would never want harm to come to her in any way, shape or form. I love her endlessly. I am having therapy, but have only had a couple of sessions. But, I cannot shake the 'what if'. I am tortured over trying to remember what it was I did that made my heart drop, but I can't, and its getting fuzzier and fuzzier the more I try to remember. Could anyone offer any advice on this please? Thank you.

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