POCD

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

TW Just saw a judge video where a girl was complaining about a mom suing her for money when her mom is her agent and gives her younger sister (at 17 years old) better work because they exploit her body and THEY SHOWED PICTURES. I saw it and was like “oh my gosh is that actually what I think it is?” Then after realizing it’s like I was too shocked to look away. What is bothersome is that I wasn’t immediately repulsed enough to turn it off and didn’t immediately do so and when the picture kept showing up it’s like I kept looking at it to make sure what I saw was actually what I saw. Also, the false memory is hitting hard because now I’m wondering if I had intrusive thoughts judging her body. Now I feel like a perv and pedo 😭 It’s like I’m anxious over not being anxious enough about the situation while actually being incredibly anxious. I don’t if that made ANY sense but someone please help. I will say my mind was already incredibly vulnerable because of burnout and other very stressful events recently. Still, I feel terrible and feel I deserve to be in jail.

So one day a couple months ago I saw some posts on threads pop up on instagram and they said I’m 17 and horny and 18 and horny or I think I even remember see a 16 year old one. I’m 20 and I remembered that when those popped up I clicked on them and I don’t know if I did it out of true attraction or out of the urge to make my anxiety go away. I feel like often times if I see something that says any number under 18 even if it has nothing to do with age it could be talking about season 17 of a tv show my mind immediately goes what?? 17??? And then I click on it to make my anxiety go away. So when I remembered all of this I downloaded the threads app because I wanted to see if I could get reassurance and see if I could rekindle how I felt in these moments. When I opened the app all I saw was posts like that but everyone claimed to be 18. The only problem is none of the girls looked 18 they looked like 14-16 so I started to panic I and worry that because I clicked on the threads in the past it popped up more and I was a pedophile for that. All of the accounts all pretty much had only fans links so at that point I was like well they have to be 18 then but now I’m worried that maybe it’s a scammer and they are using underage pictures of girls and putting them on onlyfans. Which I know is out of my control but I just feel like a Pedo and like I did something wrong. Does anyone have any advice? Or have any similar situations/ similarities with this?