Venting

When it comes to soocd exposures, that sometimes means engaging in triggering things like sex and intimacy with my partner, but I worry that I am sometimes also being compulsive like wanting to be intimate to see how it makes me feel, check my feelings, sensations, emotions etc. and then at that point how can I really do the exposure? Idk I’ve just been struggling so much with this theme lately. I feel like a fraud most of the time and the thoughts convince me I am deeply in denial, constant loop.

I just realized that I have this compulsion where i search ocd forums up and down, looking for someone describing the exact scenario/event that im obsessing over right now. Otherwise it’s like i cant convince myself that it really is ocd. Its so stupid because even if I find what I am looking for, I know it is only giving me temporary relief. I was just about to post a description of the theme/scenario here, but I am proud that I stopped myself ⭐️

That’s kinda my question. All my thoughts feel so realistic and so now I doubt if they are ocd and if I just can’t make my mind up about something and I’m using ocd as an excuse or something idc I feel like this post is word vomit.