Venting

I can be way too hard on myself and beat myself up over the smallest slip up in regards to OCD. Sometimes it can feel like I'm gaslighting myself on what was "so blatantly and obviously a moral atrocity in thought and intent", when 95% of the time I'm not even sure what my own intent with dealing with these thoughts is or why I do what I do. It makes me feel like some shameless beast for "daring to even entertain the thought of something so VILE!!!" When I just get so confused and scared on moral issues, like my mind is pulled down a rabbit hole I can't escape until the tricks are done on me and it's too late, i've accepted such ideas I hate until that hate and trying to not give in convince me "it might not be that bad". It feels like anything, even the most mundane things can trigger this. This cycle happens mainly because I feel like there's "no way to escape committing more 'attrocities' in thought or compulsion anyway"...and these cycles become the basis for more of these incidents. there a way to stop this? There have been multiple times where I called myself the R word, and even knowing it's a slur I still called myself that because "I'm nothing if not deserving of such scorn". Any attempt to stop the madness makes it worse and it's like all this I talked about is so convincing I dare not question it until after the fact. Please help.

I noticed I’m starting to fall into a trap of a bunch of little compulsions- some of which are these little knee jerk behaviors that my brain is catching as I do them. For example, a short stand up at my desk (like sitting up and moving slightly to see above my cubicle) to check my surroundings. I’m struggling to catch it before hand- anyone got any ideas to help combat that? I really want to get past sitting with this and stop that little compulsion but because it’s become a habit, I’m just not noticing it until I’ve already done it. #Help

If one more person tells me to go out for a walk to "help me feel better" I am going to poke out my eyes. I know it's not said out of malice but my goodness. How can't people understand that my intrusive thoughts, compulsions and ruminations FOLLOW ME. Instead of feeling shitty inside, now I'm feeling shitty outside where I'm not in a space where I'm comfortable. I'm sick of it. 😟