I cough myself acting or saying certain things to get my boyfriend break up with me, since I don't wanna do it myself when I get break up urges... Does anyone do the same... what did u do in your experience?
I do the same. Self sabotage is one of my bad habits. Sometimes I still do want to be with that person but it's just my brain messing with it and I've ruined many relationships lol...I feel you
@♡jasper☆ This is exactly what I jus did and i regretted it but it was already too late
I don't know what to do to stop this... he understands my situation but still I can't help but feel like he deserves better.
@mobina I’m so sorry to hear:( I felt a bit guilty in a way like I was putting burden on him so I tried self sabotaging it but also in a sense trying to gain reassurance from my compulsiveness . For example If I had an uncertainty about a slight detail in our relationship , I would go straight to an impulsive state that made me look toxic but it was my way of coping with uncertainty thus blocking him over and over to reassure he still validates my worth and wanted to see if he has any moral standards for us , but it resulting in us breaking up. He refuses to wanna talk to me . I opened up to him bout my ocd couple days ago :( I don’t blame him for not wanting to speak to me after the gaslighting I put him thru jus to be an excuse to end it myself :( I would degrade him on his way of being a bf , making it seem like he was the bad guy when this entire time it was me and my ocd being the bad guys .
@Brian :) I thought about doing all the things you did, but still holding back on doing anything extreme whenever I get the urge... he complains to me whenever we argue that I try to paint him as a bad guy in every conversation... The last part of your comment hits too close to the home for me :(...
@mobina 🥺🥺🥺
I don't know. I just fucking went down a huge rabbit hole of this lady on ROCD Reddit who described something very similar to how I feel about my boyfriend. She was so scared to break up but wanted to anyway bc she wanted to explore and stuff. A lot of the stuff she wrote was things I swear I could have written myself. And I feel so anxious and sick bc she ended up leaving her boyfriend. She's not happy now but feels it's the right choice. I'm so fucking scared - bc I feel like I need to do it now. I feel in ways no ROCD sufferer has felt and I swear this is true. What the fuck??
Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?
When I talk about how terrible I used to be to my girlfriend it makes me feel like I’m gonna do it again which I don’t wanna do and it scares me and then I get intrusive thoughts and feelings about it doing it but I don’t want to, weird I know.
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