G

S-so uhm my bf (?) and I have been a little distant and his spotify yesterday was the same where it says that he's my future husband, and today, it was changed. L-like, i-is he g-go-gonna break up with me??? I'm so scared I'm nauseous and I don't want this stress to cause another seizure, but also kinda don't care at the same time because it would ha-have to be my fault??

Im scared that if I start to think it too much, I will start to believe it, and it becomes my reality. I always have thoughts like, “Do I love him, what if I lose feelings, how longs is this going to last, when will these thoughts finally go away, is he the one for me, is this how love feels like or am I just convincing myself?” I start to search things up to make myself feel better but the longest that works for is a few hours and then that gut wrenching feeling comes back. I love him I’m sure of it, but then why do I feel like this? I know if I didn’t love someone I would let them go and would t even fight for it or try to get better, but for him I’m trying ever second of everyday and sometimes I just feel so hopeless. I can’t afford a therapist and I’m too busy to talk to one. I don’t know what to do or how to feel, sometimes I just feel numb and I hate it, sometimes I feel like crying but can’t, and most the time I don’t feel jealous anymore and that scares me because I’m a jealous person. Then I get thoughts and reminders of my ex. Not in a way that I like them but the hatred and the trauma and pain they left me with. The mental, verbal and physical abuse. Sometimes my current relationship reminds me of him and why I shouldn’t be in one because I always fall into this deep hole that feels impossible to get out of. I just get so scared.

I’m not diagnosed with ocd but I feel like I might because I relate to a lot of the relationship posts on here I know I love my boyfriend and I know I can trust him but I get so anxious for no reason I have his location and I can go through his phone without a problem but I get so anxious about being cheated on or him leaving me and it makes me feel like a bad person because I trust him but it feels like something else is telling me like he’s doing something but I have no reason to think that and again I have his location we work at the same place and I’m with him whenever he has off so I don’t get why I do this but it feels like obsession like I stress about upsetting him because I get anxious about upsetting him because it feels like he’s gonna leave me if I do anything to upset him and he’s never done anything to make me feel like this so I don’t get why I overthink like this