Hopeless

I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.

I feel like I’ll never lead a normal life again with OCD, my thoughts have begun to be convince especially about POCD. I feel like so sad and down that this will be my life forever. I’ll never get to fall in love again without intrusive thoughts. I’ll never be worth falling in love with. I can never be intimate again. I’m just done, my life is over. I can’t even look at my nephew and niece anymore without the smile fading. It feels like I’m so nasty and then my brain convinces me this is how I feel. That there’s some part of me that is a p*do and that’s it. I’m a disgusting human being for that. I just feel hopeless

I’ve been going through this rough patch for the last four months, and I can already feel an even worse one coming. I just feel scared. And on top of that, I’m going to stop therapy. After everything with my current therapist, I just don’t have the strength to keep trying anymore. I feel hopeless. My head hurts so much, and it’s hard to keep going when everything feels this bad. I just want to cry, hope this feeling passes, and maybe try again if it ever lets up. But right now, it feels like nothing will ever get better. I don’t feel like I can ask for help. I hate that it took me so long to realize this wasn’t the therapist for me. I was too scared of being dramatic, so I let it go on for far too long, and now I feel like I’ve just become a burden-like. I hate that I let it get to that point, especially when I was paying for this. I just want to give up. I feel broken down, and I don’t even want to be okay anymore.