Tarot

Trigger warning So I can’t stop wondering if I was attracted to this kid I saw a few days ago because I felt something that felt like genuine attraction, it made me worried I was a p, so I tried to leave the place immediately. I also had urges to look to check if I was attracted or not and urges to not to look. All of it made me feel like a genuine P. What is all of this I’m doing, are they compulsions? Or are they pr3detory actions?

Does anyone ever feel like you know you have OCD, but at the same time you think it might actually be you connecting to a higher consciousness or vibration that is trying to control your decisions so that the outcome does not turn out bad kind of like the butterfly effect. It drives me crazy because I know I’m conscious that it’s OCD but at the same time I overthink and feel like it might be a higher power trying to warn me that I’m not doing something right, like example; if I flip the trash can lid a couple more times it’s going to pervert something bad from happening and that why I’m sensing I’m not doing it right, because if I spent a little more time there and if I would have left earlier the outcome would’ve been different. Or say I just fight through it and choose to ignore it, but then I’ll carry that negativity/worry of not feeling like I did it right and will project it out into existence because the thought won’t leave my head and in a way your seeking it out into existence since you keep thinking about it, kind of like an affirmation?

So, I have not been diagnosed with OCD, but I feel that I have it. My therapist told me that she doesn’t believe I have it because I have no physical compulsions, but I feel like I do have mental compulsions. Let me explain: For the past 8 months I have been experiencing relationship anxiety (maybe ROCD). I have obsessed over “Do I actually love my partner?” “Am I attracted to him?” “Will I cheat?” “Is God telling me to leave?” I have been with my partner for over 3 years and he is absolutely amazing. He is sweet, caring, loving and our values aline. My dream, before all of this, was to marry him and I think I still have that dream deep down. My current obsessions are whether or not I “want” to be in this relationship. I don’t know why I am questioning being with someone so great and it is making me feel so guilty. No matter how many times I tell myself that I DO want to be with him, I can never believe myself. It is like I can no longer trust myself. My other obsession is “is it anxiety or intuition?” I had a thought the other day that said “break up with him” and I didn’t react to it. That sent me down a spiral and now I am scared that it was my intuition. I don’t want to claim that I have ROCD (even if I strongly think I do), but I would like some help with this.