- Date posted
- 2y
My level of fear is faint or not present
From the title this sounds like a good thing but it’s actually stressing me out. Just trying to see if anyone can relate or can perhaps point me into the right direction. Warning- My post talks about heavy stuff involving violence and mental illness. Please do not proceed if you’re not comfortable with those topics. For context I struggle with harm OCD and am going on to two years since my initial diagnosis. I’ve been on two ssri’s since then. lexapro and more recently effexor. For the past few months i’ve been struggling with a questionable feeling that has be doubting my diagnosis and whether i’m sane. Yesterday, I was lifting my weights while sitting down and my dog sat at my legs. I decided that this was a good moment for an exposure as I could pretend I could drop my weight on my dog as one of my obsessions was harming him. I then proceeded to hold it over him and I felt nothing. I lifted finger by finger until i was barely gripping the weight. I felt nothing. No fear. no anxiety. nothing. nothing was telling me not to do it. I felt like a normal person should at least feel alarmed if they were about to hurt their dog. This however wasn’t the only case. About 6 months ago I was doing a knife exposure and my dog happened to be nearby. I decided it was best i practice on my dog. I got closer to him acting as if i was about to stab him. I felt nothing. I rubbed the knife against him and felt nothing. I felt like i could do it if i wanted too and would feel nothing. At the beginning of the my diagnosis before i received treatment, I was fragile. Everything would set me off into a spiral of sadness and guilt. I’d cry at just the thought of harming my parents. I’d cry if i held a knife in close proximity to my mother. I’d cry at the mention of psychopath or sociopath. I’d cry if I didn’t feel something that I felt I should. I have a feeling of returning to those days as those emotions felt like reminders that i was human. Although I was deeply suicidal during that period the crying helped. Now I just feel numb and somewhat suicidal. I now only have some semblance of fear. Now for some heavier stuff. The shooting that took place yesterday sparked old obsessions. I feel like i’m capable of carrying out a mass shooting. I don’t think i would be able to feel anything. I’m not scared thinking this or typing it out. I don’t know what to do. That person who did it seemed so normal. Its almost as if i’d be capable of doing the same thing. I can’t feel anything. someone please help