Self Harm OCD Help?

My OCD at the moment is related to suicidal OCD. I've never attempted suicide and genuinely don't want to hurt myself. It began when I was having existential OCD & I was thinking things like "what if my family and loved ones aren't real" etc. Became pretty depressing thoughts. Through some self ERP I've been able to start recovering from the Existential OCD but one day it started to come back and I had an intrusive thought "Can you live the rest of your life like this" and "What if life is meaningless". It scared me into to thinking maybe I was becoming suicidal and made me super anxious. Started googling Suicidal Ideation vs Suicidal OCD and spun out of control a bit. Now, when trying to practice ERP for Suicidal OCD I've read scripts, held knifes and stopped doing most of my compulsions but when the thought comes up and I'm NOT anxious I associate it with me Wanting to hurt myself. Like, if I'm not anxious while having the intrusive thoughts it makes me feel like maybe that's what I actually want to do 😭 Its so distressing. I've literally never been suicidal my while life even after living with ocd for years. I don't want to K*ll myself. I don't want the people around me to worry that I will. I want to heal from my Existential OCD completely but now with depression and Suicidal OCD it feels more difficult 😢 How do you do ERP for Suicidal thoughts when you're afraid it'll affirm them and lead you to eventually do it?

emilypetrilla

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hey! I had/have pure OCD and SOCD and had the same issues. Keep trying to remind yourself it’s the ocd playing tricks on you. What I practiced for suicide ocd was mocking those thoughts/images/urges when they come up. Ocd is poking at you, so you poke back more. Take the power back. I would say back to it, I would love to become suicidal, it would be amazing! Or I wonder what would be the quickest way to get it done fastest? Knife? Gun? Bridge? Hmmm 🤔😂 (I know that will be hard to read but sit with the anxiety that causes). They are just thoughts and words and have no control over any of your actions. This is what ocd preys on, you being relaxed and calm and it tries to bother you again. Eventually you will identify that as “intrusive thought” and say, nice try ocd, and move on with your day. I also ask myself, is this really what I what to think about right now? No? Then move on to what I was doing or want to do (not for distraction though). You can sit with the uncomfortableness of those thoughts as well and not try to figure out if you feel that way or not. You’re not on the edge of the bridge atm right, so it’s not a concern right now. What would you really want to be doing right now instead of thinking about this? What hobbies did you used to enjoy? Do that. Even for a few minutes. The thoughts will still be there but they aren’t important to figure out right now. I know it’s so hard to go through and you seem to be doing very well so far! Believe in your ability to turn ocd on its’ head! You got this!!! I was just discharged from the NOCD program so it is 100% possible to get to the other side of things. Just have faith in yourself that you got this! And if you don’t have it right now, I will hold onto that hope and faith for you ❤️

Skai

Date posted: 2y

This was incredibly helpful 👏🏾 this gives me hope thank you so much

Skai

Date posted: 2y

My only thing is if I don't fear the thoughts & it makes me think that I really might WANT to do that thing :(

emilypetrilla

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@TS That’s what the ocd is making you think. You can sit with that uncomfortable uncertainty! Poke back at it, girl. You got this!!

olivianb

Date posted: 2y

OMG this is exactly me. I started ERP last week and I’m so scared that the anxiety around these thoughts will go away and I’ll think I actually am that way. I have the existential OCD as well. I think you are my clone lol

ClaireArnott

Date posted: 2y

Helpful post and thread, Thankyou 🙏

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd tips

so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd advice?

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 13w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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Self Harm OCD Help?

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