I have OCD around being a bad or a βweird,β person. I use to be in therapy twice a week for two hours at a time because I was in such bad shape with it. Eventually I moved to once a week at two hours at a time, and now Iβm down to just once a week, an hour at a time! I was also put on Lexapro, stayed on it for a year and just weened myself off in Nov. I do feel proud of myself, but today someone said something that was pretty triggering and Iβm feeling funny now.
Since I was a little girl, if I find someone I liked a lot, I wanted to know everything about them. This typically only happened with older adults and always women. It was always very harmless. I just lived in my head a lot with them always on my mind. Then Facebook came out where you could find out anything about anyone. I could go on to someoneβs Facebook page, scroll through their page, pictures, and if I was really interested in them, could find out who their family was through their friends list, etc. Then Iβd visit their families FB pages all the time out of just interest (or I guess you could call it being nosy, I donβt really know.) If I really felt interested in them, Id google them, look up their house, just weird stuff like that. I could end up knowing everything about them or their family. It had never caused me any harm or them any harm. I never really thought about it being weird or anything. But one day I woke up and was like, βwhat if Iβm a stalker. What if this person knew that I knew who their parents are, their siblings, etc., etc.?β I got in to an absolute downward spiral about it and felt like such a weirdo, a creep, a freak. Seriously, Iβm a pretty normal person. Iβm married, kids, husband, stay at home mom, have the same friends Iβve had since middle school, high school, whatever. My therapist didnβt think this was a big deal and I was always scared she was just being nice. I made her promise me to tell me if anything I told her sounded off. Anyway, I was on the phone tonight and the person I was talking to, was talking about someone else and she said, βyeah, I mean she just looks people up and needs to know everything about them. Thatβs why she could be so good at being a private detective, or something like that. Sheβs kinda stalkerish.β It hit me hard. I felt like I needed to tell her that maybe she wouldnβt like me either because I can be the same way. I didnβt though. I didnβt get off the phone or do anything with it.
If this was a year ago, Iβd be in the bathroom vomiting, pacing the floor, taking my anti anxiety med. Today, I just dealt with the uncertainty of her not knowing that I can be the same way. Iβm doing ok, but Iβm so curious, is it just me that does this kind of thing? Is there anyone else that does this kind of thing? Is this abnormal? I know that it is what it is, but my phone conversation tonight kinda opened up that stuff for me a little bit and now Iβm feeling like a freak. Thank you if read this and if you respond.π
