Iβm having an OCD flare right now, and my brain is telling me βyou donβt have a sense of self.β
A few days ago, I felt confident and grounded. But today, my brain is looping on every reason why I must be βunstable.β For me, the things that trigger this fear are:
β’ Looking back at past versions of myself and feeling like they donβt fit who I am now.
β’ Cycling through different interests and worrying that means Iβm just trying to βbe someone.β
β’ Feeling doubtful when my mood shifts (like going from confident one day to grumpy the next).
Questioning my treatment choices: one day thinking I need OCD residential, the next deciding Iβm fine sticking with my therapist. OCD tells me this back-and-forth means Iβm unstable.
β’ OCD telling me, βSee? This must mean you have BPD.β
Logically, I know people change interests, grow out of past phases, and feel differently depending on context. I also know I have consistent themes (music (specifically metal, electronic, rap (but of course my OCD makes me question if I really like it), horses, fairness, sensuality, authenticity, health, art, certain aesthetics⦠etc.). But when OCD flares, it makes me doubt everything and convinces me I have no solid identity.
Iβm also PMSing, tired, and hungry right now, which makes the OCD voice louder. It feels real, even though I can recognize itβs probably just OCD doing its thing.
Note I also have ADHD + OCPD + BDD
I have been told by four therapists and one psych that I do not have BPD. But of course βwhat if theyβre wrong.β βWhat if theyβre not telling me.β
