I’ll never get better

I just got out of 6 weeks residential treatment on 3/30. I’m going back to shortterm inpatient today. I’ve been to the ER 5 times in 6 days. I am convinced I’m dying. I’m unmedicated because I’m scared to take my new antidepressants. I’m scared of serotonin syndrome. I’m scared of side effects. I feel like I will never get better. If 6 weeks of intensive treatment didn’t help, what else could? I would rather not wake up anymore if this is what my life is going to be like. I guess that’s why I’m going back to inpatient.

Username: warrior__heartedwarrior__hea...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I’ve felt the weight of trying all the things and having nothing work. I know what it’s like to feel like it won’t get better. And I hated all the advice I got. It felt like people didn’t understand the hopelessness that comes with battling this. What honestly helped me, was resting from trying new things all the time, and just listening to my body and giving it what it needed even if it didn’t make sense… So like for example, I just slept and watched tv for awhile until I wanted to start doing things again… and I just naturally woke up. And I don’t know how to describe it, but things kind of got better on its own 🤷🏼‍♀️ some of this I’ve been struggling for over a decade. All that to say, i think it’s wise and brave that you are going inpatient. I would just say, you’re not alone. I will be thinking and sending positivity (I’m a Christian, so I will send prayers, but if that’s not your vibe that’s ok) And I lived for a long time thinking things would never get better, and they did for me. I believe they will for you. Hang in there. One thing I did that helped was to just set manageable little goals. And I would take things a day at a time. So one day, my goal was to shower and eat. Another it was to just clean out my car. Another to fix up my resume. Etc. just ask yourself, what’s one small thing I can push myself to do, that I either have capacity for, or almost have capacity for. Or break up your day into chunks??? Anyways, I hated getting unsolicited advice and encouragement when I was struggling, so feel free to keep what you need and discard what you don’t. You matter! And the world needs/wants you around.

Username: artsygirlartsygirl

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m shocked they let you out not on medication. Listen to me, if you’re that miserable- what do you have to lose with taking the meds ? Maybe you’ll have side effects BUT MAYBE itll give you your life back. We often only see the bad but the unknowns are sometimes amazing opportunities. I read something about “there being something in the bushes” when you have ocd and the thing is is yes it could be a tiger but what if it’s just a puppy or kitty saying hi ? Good things can come from uncertainty. Hang in there. Please reach out and call a crisis hotline if needed.

Username: artsygirlartsygirl

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Also, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU doing a residential program. That shows how brave you are. Take it minute by minute if you need.

Username: Audrey/33Audrey/33

Date posted: 1y ago

I used to be scared of serotonin syndrome too but like I remind myself that if things really did get bad and I didn’t feel good, I can go to ER then. So many people take antidepressants with no issues (aside from some side effects) so I just took the plunge. I think if it’s getting that bad then try it out and see, have someone close to you monitor you if you need to go to the hospital.

Username: Anonymous69

Date posted: 4y ago

I feel like I’m completely going freaking psychotic. This is taking away my faith, which I thought was pretty strong. It tells me to not bother praying because God isn’t helping. It’s telling me that I am the worst person, worthy of death. That I deserve every bad thing that comes to me. And I believe that. I hate that I’m having these thoughts in my own mind. I hate that I feel this out of control. The medication isn’t helping. My head is always spinning. Nothing is helping because nothing lasts with this stupid disease. The good days don’t last. The efforts to work don’t last. I’m losing my mind and going insane. I don’t have access to a therapist. I don’t have resources here. I’m so irritated and scared that I could just give up. I literally don’t even know what to do with myself right now. I feel crazy and hopeless. I feel like I should turn myself in. And I mean every last word I’ve said. There’s no exaggeration.

Username: JessIsConfused

Date posted: 47w ago

Stuck

I feel like crap. I am out in medication but I know it is not a fix all. I know I still have to work on this and I am still going to have tough days I am just so scared that I am not living my life ti the fullest. I am just really tired. I am trying my hardest though. I am scared the most about not being happy. I have had to live one day at a time before. I don’t want it ti get that bad again. I feel like I am just stuck in this infante loop. I am happy, then normal then horrible then slowly I pick myself up again and I can be happy but I miss out on so much while I am miserable. It is the worst feeling. It feels like nothing can fix this, all my fears are true and life has no meaning. I have am having a really hard week. I am sick, I m trying to socialize, I am doing work, I am away from home. It is just really hard right now. And I am scared it is going to just get worse

Username: Jersey Jayne

Date posted: 35w ago

Scared of who I'm going to be when I wake up

I've been shutting myself away lately because I'm so fu^king sick of this cycle of me turning into a g0ddamned baby and then hysterically crying for hours on end and having my family helplessly watch and not know how to help. Nobody knows how to help. I don't even know what I need. I want to give up and just stare at the wall until somebody can save me. If my brain isn't constantly distracted and numbed I'm spiraling. I switch minute to minute from being super depressed to hyper and talkative yet somehow I manage to hold it all inside. It's getting very hard to communicate/mask. Every night I feel fine. I feel scared and sad, but I feel the most normal at this time. When I wake up, it starts all over again. I wake up in panic attack mode and drag myself to work. I swear to god I can't help myself anymore. Nothing I do helps and it's too exhausting. I think I'm just gonna keep letting myself suffer because I'm so sick of trying to get help and then have it not help. I know this is just an episode but jesus christ it's so f^cking scary. I believe everything my brain tells me but I don't even know what it's telling me. All I know is there's this extreme PUSH to be flooded with extreme sadness and anxiety, and it's very REAL. I feel like I need to be locked up and studied. I truly feel alone in this condition because I genuinely believe there is no one in this world who has been having these symptoms the way I do. Four years of this, several mental health professionals, and I still don't have an answer. When will I be able to rest? Even reading this message makes me think "that's not me. where did I go?" There's not even a specific reason why i'm feeling so extremely horrible. It starts as a pure OCD attack about something and then before I know it I spend a week crying. Anyway I have work in the morning I don't know how I keep going and getting out of bed every day knowing that ending up like this is definitely a possibility. I really don't know how I'm still alive. Something is extremely wrong with me and no one seems to understand just how bad it is. What do I need to do in order to get someone to understand the severity of it all? I wish nothing but healing and peace and permanent remission for all of you tough souls ❤️

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I’ll never get better

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