So-OCD

I am so frightened and Idk what to do. I’ve never felt like this before and I’m scared that even writing this may trigger me even more. Ever since the year started, I got triggered very badly about a tiktok post about a man transitioning into a woman and I suddenly got a very bad intrusive image about being male (I’m female) and the thought triggered me so bad I started shaking and crying and pacing, even tried taking a shower to convince myself. Ever since then the thoughts have escalated more and more and I’m so scared I have NEVER had these thoughts or urges in my life EVER and it’s so terrifying. I try to escape into a fantasy land where I portray a woman and all these scenarios, I even read a lot of smut and try to get the thoughts to leave and they help sometimes as I do get aroused like a normal female would but then when I’m outside of my fantasies and return to normal life the thoughts come back and I feel so hopeless and am actually thinking of una living myself because they feel so real and true and it frightens me because I feel like I’m the only one who this is happening to and that maybe it’s not OCD. Im so hopeless and alone idk what to do.

"Pure" OCD

TouretteOCD

Date posted: 2y

Yeah you know transgender OCD is so scary - I have it and was just as frightened as you are a few years ago, but I’ve since come to realize that OCD just feeds off fear. Don’t let it scare you - its not real but I know the feeling

KrispyKream

Date posted: 2y

@TouretteOCD It is so terrifying and every time I try to battle it it just makes it worse and I feel like I’m going insane and there’s a different person in my head, I just feel so alone and I feel like my identity before is made to seem fake it’s so terrifying idk if you ever felt that

TouretteOCD

Date posted: 2y

Yeah exactly so I gave this other person in my head a name and it’s helped me disassociate with it - like just some annoying person that likes to mess with me

KrispyKream

Date posted: 2y

@TouretteOCD Did you do ERP for it? Cause I don’t see any other option but I’m so scared they’re gonna tell me it’s not OCD, like terrified

TouretteOCD

Date posted: 2y

I have no actual desire to change to a woman - I think if I did I would know and it actually wouldn’t be a big deal. The intrusive thought started the same way as you describe and drive me crazy until I just learned to disassociate with this in my head

KrispyKream

Date posted: 2y

@TouretteOCD It’s just so scary cause I can’t even look at myself in the mirror sometimes and it gives me thoughts and I’m afraid to shower cause it’ll cause the thoughts to become real. It’s so scary

TouretteOCD

Date posted: 2y

My therapist explained the reason my mind is doing it and helped me see it for what it is

KrispyKream

Date posted: 2y

@TouretteOCD Idk I’m scared of doing ERP but idk if there’s any other way I can get rid of it cause if I don’t I might even want a permanent end

TouretteOCD

Date posted: 2y

@KrispyKream Ask a doctor about Fluvoxamine - it blocks the thoughts so they are not scary and it’s totally safe. Save ERP for when your ready. We are in the same tribe so be strong

KrispyKream

Date posted: 2y

@TouretteOCD I don’t wanna take medication cause I’m scared of the side effects and what if it brings out a new disorder or even worse makes the disorder true:(

TouretteOCD

Date posted: 2y

@KrispyKream I know that feeling too like I’m damned if I do and if I don’t. Start with a therapist - our distorted intrusive thoughts are still only thoughts and we can control them

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 17w

It’s real now

I’m sobbing right now. I’m convinced that I’ve been in denial all along and that it’s all real. It has to be now. I don’t wanna be a boy but I feel like there’s no way I’m not one if I’m doing these things. There’s no way I’m a cis girl if I’m doing these things. I’m so fucking done with life I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t wanna be a man but fuuuuuuuuck I think it’s real now I’m so fcking done with living. I really feel like I’ve been using OCD as an excuse/a cover up and I’m scared it’s all a facade. There’s no way it’s not real now I’m literally so fcking scared I want it all to stop. If anyone has advice please send some my way. I need it badly

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

I feel so different from others

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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