- Date posted
- 2y
Awful ROCD
Hey, y’all, I’m Lily and i’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful boy for ten months so far. He’s kind, funny, smart, attractive, and everything I could want in a guy. My anxiety really started a few (maybe two) months into the relationship and its only gotten worse. We went long distance for four months as I was at a school out of state, but I soon transferred back for personal and safety reasons. He’s always been so understanding of my anxiety, and I know he loves me. I know I love him too, so why does my head convince me otherwise? In the past, I’ve only ever dated people for maybe 3-4 months before breaking up with them. I think it’s a defense mechanism, seeing how I grew up surrounded by bad examples of romantic relationships. I’m also really scared of failure, and I know my anxiety is triggered by other people suggesting things about our relationship. This is the first relationship i’ve ever had with someone who truly loves me, and someone I believe I truly love back. This is the first relationship in which i’ve felt motivated to recover from this anxiety, which I only realized was an actual medical thing a year or so ago. My brain causes me so much stress sometimes that i seriously consider breaking up with him at times, not because I don’t love him or because anything is wrong between us, but because I want to run away again. The only way I feel safe or not anxious, at least for a week or so, is if I run away or hurt someone else first. My brain also questions me. My anxiety asks me if he’s really the one, if i’m really attracted to him, if i really love him that much if i’m willing to look at different colleges to transfer to. My anxiety tells me i’m awful for finding other people attractive. At its worst, my anxiety urges me to cheat on him. Im opposed to all of these suggestions, and I love him deeply, but when I do get upset with him, I wonder whether the thoughts are actually me or the anxiety. Does anyone know how to distinguish these thoughts? I really love my bf and want to get better for him.