The not knowing that torments me

I've definitely been there. There's just one question I want to ask you: Who told you that you had to prove you are a "good person" in order to be deserving of life or happiness? I bet it was only your own brain that told you that. I think you're probably a pretty decent person, but even if I'm wrong and you're a total schmuck, you still get to enjoy being alive.

I am fooling myself thinking I'll get answers. But it feels unbearable not knowing, especially when the questions run this deep

i feel the exact same way. I am obsessive with existential thoughts and morality. My therapist thinks i have ASD and my current diagnosis is MDD with psychotic features. Everything feels so distant yet so i'm my face. I can't help but question every single thing to exist. I need answers and will only be satisfied if God itself reaches out to me. I think that if for the most part you recognize you are a part of this life and dimension and world go through the questions again and also ask people you trust.

Read up on articles that pique your interest. I know even after reading and getting info you might have more questions. But i think of it as two separate realms. In the world i'm interacting with daily. My beliefs and my knowledge are there. I understand the guilt. Every move i make is consumed by guilt and whether i did the right or wrong thing. I can assure you that if you are thinking about the amends you can make regarding someone- and they have not explicitly or indirectly expressed discomfort it is not on their mind as it is on yours. If someone brings up something that happened at a later date in time if it helps rehearse what happened and what you interpreted it as. Unfortunately people especially being young you are disadvantaged. No one knows your struggles as well as you do. They can barely begin to comprehend the visceral feeling. From person experience i think i definitely did not know better because of my age and even now because of how i feel and believe. It's hard to think of yourself as a good person because if you aren't the most positive helpful insightful person you are seen as someone with flaws and that's okay. You might have secrets and you might have bad behaviors, but if you recognize that and try to be true to yourself while not harming your own being or others then vou are okay.

i do not want to die either, i have so many dreams and aspirations for the world i live in. But living is incredibly difficult living with these obsessive thoughts and ritualistic behaviors every. single. day. Try and breathe. i I know the feelings might not ever stop but start with the root of who you are first. Understanding my functions what i prefer or dislike starts to unravel the mess we are seeing a feeling. Sorry if that was all over the place. Sending love ❤️

not sure if my message went through it was kind of long lmk if you can read it? i can send it again in parts