- Date posted
- 2y
Eternal damnation
I’ve been having daily panic attacks for 2 weeks now. To keep it simple: On March 27, 2023, I had sex and lost virginity at age 35 with a prostitute During the sex act, I knew that: 1. I had sex with the devil (she looked like it with her tongue action and weirdness about her and strange teeth and plastic surgery and the room was dimly lit red) 2. I had sex with my mom and my dad’s mom (she looked like them) 3. I thought about the innocence lost between myself and my family (how can I touch them again?) 4. I may have gotten this person pregnant (even if it’s .0001% possibility, it’s still a possibility!). And so now I’m thinking how to do I reconcile my actions? Do I call the police to open an investigation? Do I work with a priest? Do I go back to the massage parlor, get the Chinese lady’s number and ensure she isn’t pregnant? But then I think about how I will never find an answer to this madness. For example, if I ask her if she’s the devil, she won’t be truthful. If I asked her if she cursed me, she won’t be truthful. If I ask her if she’s pregnant, she won’t be truthful. If I ask her if she saved my sperm to generate further offspring, she won’t be truthful. And so I’m stuck in hell on earth. I feel like if I don’t get an answer, I’m going to hell. And the thought of having a lineage of offspring from a deadbeat dad and a prostitute will in turn set my lineage of offspring up for failure and consequently eternal damnation. But attempting to get an answer takes drastic measures that may lead to a dead end. And that to me is unbearable. No matter how unlikely or irrational people or myself say these thoughts are, they are still .0001% possible and I can’t move away from that. I’m not willing to risk that. On top of that, the night of the event on March 27th, I went home and looked at the news. I saw my niece and Goddaughter’s name in an event. This solidified the full circle of events that happened 3 years ago with the theme of hell that involved her that led me to being admitted to a mental institution. Now all these disturbing images and thoughts about her have crossed my mind. I know these thoughts aren’t me and never have been, but the connections make too much sense and the figurative voice in my head is telling me I’m cursed and I want to have these thoughts. The figurative voice in my head keeps telling me I wanted all this all along. How do I proceed in life if I ever get married and decide to procreate? I will always think about this event and all the disturbing details that surround them. I’m scared and honestly feel like this is inescapable. I’m hanging on doing my best. Praying. Church ministry. Community service. Spending time with others. Taking medication. Seeking therapy. Working. But after all that is done, I know these events will be here for the rest of my life and that despair for others is too much to carry. I played with the devil and let him win. Side note: I’ve silently struggled with depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and ADHD since childhood. And so I understand that the “normal” person who hasn’t dealt with these mental conditions may think I’m either insane or attribute it to just OCD. But I’m here to say I don’t think that’s the case. And I honestly and sadly feel like this reality is the true reality that cannot be escaped. Yes, I’ve had undiagnosed OCD since childhood. But these hell themed events and circumstances have been built off low probabilities. In other words, every event and circumstance has been unique that provides further evidence of a curse. I do feel like I’m curse. I feel like a normal person who’s been dealt a bad hand and overwhelming devilish events keep occurring that solidify and changes reality. I remember saying blasphemous things randomly as a child and I remember doing a palm reading at my first job where everyone in front of me was fine but the palm reader looked at me in despair telling me there’s a tough road ahead of me.