TW, (suicidal)

I read on Quora that HOCD is not real, it was written by someone who thought he had HOCD but said it was only self hatred and homophobia. He told about how scared he was, that he spend several nights wanting to scream because he was so scared of the thoughts, and he realized he was just deep in the closet and really was gay. I just realized that I don’t want to live anymore, I was already triggered by my own thoughts from the past, maybe false memories but maybe I liked them. and felt like everything I have struggled with and the self hatred I have dealt with all my life is because I am in denial, and that would make perfect sense tbh, because I don’t understand why I have struggled so much in my life. It must be because of denial, and suddenly it feels like something clicked and I am so scared that this is real. Also I have struggled with this for 5 years. I don’t want to be in this life anymore. I just have to say I’m sorry to mum and dad.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: ocd_sufferer8ocd_sufferer8

Date posted: 1y ago

Listen. I am hear for you. I go through all of this myself. You are not alone. This is OCD playing it’s tricks on you. You are not your OCD. Just because somebody else’s experience turned out different does not mean that goes for you too. Not trying to give you reassurance, however if you truly felt that way and wanted to be gay, you would find comfort and stability hearing stories like that. I sometimes need to remind myself of that too. As for the suicidal thoughts, please stay. The world needs you. Your feelings are valid and understood here. I deal with SO ocd myself and I can assure you I know the pain all too well. However, if you need a friend I’m here. I would like a friendship where we could encourage eachother in our healing journeys.

Username: girlwithocd..girlwithocd..

Date posted: 1y ago

@ocd_sufferer8 Thank you, it means a lot

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

There’s always a way out!! I k is it feels like hell but I saw some where that “it always gets better in the end. If it’s not better, it’s not the end” <<3

Username: blazedblazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I remember reading something similar on Quora when I first started experiencing this subtype! Honestly, don’t take one person’s story as absolute fact. Yes, it happened to him and that’s ok, but that doesn’t mean you’ll have the exact same experience. Right now your OCD is going to latch onto this hard bc it sees this as evidence that you’re gay, but in reality, it doesn’t actually mean anything. You’re not alone in this battle, so many of us have been there. I also was suicidal bc of this theme and there’s no words to describe how painful it was. But the good news is I’m managing it better now even though I do still have doubts—but not as nearly as bad as before. So I know you will get through this too with time. Your life is so worth living and you deserve to be happy, even though it doesn’t feel like it now. Trust me, you will get better and OCD won’t have a hold on you forever. I’m rooting for you, you got this ❤️‍🩹

Username: Twelve Squirrels in a TrenchcoatTwelve Squir...

Date posted: 1y ago

Okay, I know what you read was terrifying and very very triggering, but that person was not a therapist, not a psychologist, and NOT you. They cannot tell you what you are or aren't. I'm so sorry, I know the agony of something like this. But this was a random person in Quora vs decades of research by licensed professionals who study OCD and all its subtypes. Out of those two, who do you think is right? But OCD is OCD, it saw that and decided to grow it at you. I'm having a flare up right now and it sucks. But we're in this together. Take a breath and come back to this when you're more calm.

Username: InvaderXInvaderX

Date posted: 1y ago

This is literally a random unlicensed individual on Quora, versus the opinion of licensed professional with mounds upon mounds of proof that OCD can attach various themes and thoughts. Completely outrageous. One person’s life experience and (obvious) lack of knowledge over psychological disorders, doesn’t invalidate what you’re enduring. Please also keep in mind the dangers of seeking reassurance like this, you’re bound to come across triggering stuff. You’re okay, and you’ll be okay. Even if you were your worst fear, you still have a good life, and you can choose whether or not you want to act upon those feelings. But tbh, it’s quite obvious you suffer heavily from HOCD. But accepting the worst case scenario helps me a lot.

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Username: hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

*EXPLICIT!!!!* Is it normal to completely loose your identity with HOCD? There's no "deep down I know I'm straight." I feel completely gay. I really think I am a lesbian in denial. I want my identity back. I've asked this before, but with ERP am I supposed to tell myself that I am gay? I don't know how else to except it. It's the only way that doesn't feel like I'm lying to myself now. It's extremely upsetting because I really don't want this to be my reality. My dad said that if I am a lesbian than I still get to choose who I'm with, but if I am then there's no reason not to be with a woman even if I don't want to be. I have to. If I'm a lesbian and I stay with my boyfriend then I'm just in denial and lying to myself and him right? I have to put myself in a box, I'm not capable of breaking societal standards for some reason as in if I'm a lesbian then I can only date women. My parents keep telling me that they don't think I'm gay, but I can do whatever. I think I'm starting to convince myself that this actually what I want. Hopefully just so I can get over the pain. I don't know anymore. I don't know how I let this turn into an actual identity crisis. It doesn't help that I have ROCD too. I think I'm going to go on the SSRI I was prescribed even though it had bad reviews. I've had OCD since I was like six years old, with multiple different things, but I keep thinking with this one what if it's different? *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* I've watched lesbian porn in the past and have finished to it multiple times and for a while that was my go to, then I stopped watching porn altogether. I didn't have any emotional connection to it, but it worked. What if I didn't have an emotional connection because I didn't let myself? I had a fantasy about myself in a lesbian porn once, but again, back then I didn't think of it as something I really wanted in reality, infact it was testing, but I stayed aroused. I know I had fantasies about guys my whole life, but now I feel like I'm making them up. At the beginning of this I remember testing myself thinking about a girl and then switching to a boy to see if I would stay aroused, and I'd completely loose arousal with the boy. There was a lot of anxiety around this so I don't know if that's why or if it's because I'm actually gay. I really really really do not want to be a lesbian, but I read about another on quora that said she really didn't want to be gay and another girl answered by saying that she didn't want to be at first either and that in the beginning she wasn't even able to say the word "lesbian" and that she was extremely depressed in the beginning, but now she's happy. I don't want that. I don't even want to be happy and gay.

Username: X1

Date posted: 4y ago

I can't get medication or therepy and I can't take this anymore. I've been a straight man my entire life, always wanted a wife and this says otherwise. The thing worse than the thoughts and disgusting images is the groinal response. I can't take this anymore. Six months of this shit and a garbage year in general. Covid, my girlfriend cheating and leaving, laid off at work despite working hard, total isolation, then this. I had ocd during childhood and youth now it's back. This has said many things over the years but the things it's said past six months are, -Ive always been trans but never knew -Im want to be trans -Im a pédo -Im a râpist - I'm a traitor to my country -Id rather fight for the axis than the allies -Our veterans are scumbags -I want to beat women -I want to load a shotgun and shoot my family -I like incest -I want to fuck animals -im going to hell - I don't believe in my Catholic faith - The one that's been the worst, I'm gay I don't want to be or do those things. I don't. I've thought of myself as a decent man and I loved who I was before this. I don't want to live anymore. I've looked for reasons to keep going yet I find nothing. The whole "You have so much to live for!" has only given me little hope and strength in the early stages of this. It does nothing for me anymore. With the groinal response it's like I've turned gay. HOCD It's attacked friends, people I look up to, family. So many people. I just want to curl up and die. I just want to fucking die

Sexual Orientation OCD

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