TW, (suicidal)

I read on Quora that HOCD is not real, it was written by someone who thought he had HOCD but said it was only self hatred and homophobia. He told about how scared he was, that he spend several nights wanting to scream because he was so scared of the thoughts, and he realized he was just deep in the closet and really was gay. I just realized that I don’t want to live anymore, I was already triggered by my own thoughts from the past, maybe false memories but maybe I liked them. and felt like everything I have struggled with and the self hatred I have dealt with all my life is because I am in denial, and that would make perfect sense tbh, because I don’t understand why I have struggled so much in my life. It must be because of denial, and suddenly it feels like something clicked and I am so scared that this is real. Also I have struggled with this for 5 years. I don’t want to be in this life anymore. I just have to say I’m sorry to mum and dad.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: ocd_sufferer8ocd_sufferer8

Date posted: 1y ago

Listen. I am hear for you. I go through all of this myself. You are not alone. This is OCD playing it’s tricks on you. You are not your OCD. Just because somebody else’s experience turned out different does not mean that goes for you too. Not trying to give you reassurance, however if you truly felt that way and wanted to be gay, you would find comfort and stability hearing stories like that. I sometimes need to remind myself of that too. As for the suicidal thoughts, please stay. The world needs you. Your feelings are valid and understood here. I deal with SO ocd myself and I can assure you I know the pain all too well. However, if you need a friend I’m here. I would like a friendship where we could encourage eachother in our healing journeys.

Username: girlwithocd..girlwithocd..

Date posted: 1y ago

@ocd_sufferer8 Thank you, it means a lot

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

There’s always a way out!! I k is it feels like hell but I saw some where that “it always gets better in the end. If it’s not better, it’s not the end” <<3

Username: blazedblazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I remember reading something similar on Quora when I first started experiencing this subtype! Honestly, don’t take one person’s story as absolute fact. Yes, it happened to him and that’s ok, but that doesn’t mean you’ll have the exact same experience. Right now your OCD is going to latch onto this hard bc it sees this as evidence that you’re gay, but in reality, it doesn’t actually mean anything. You’re not alone in this battle, so many of us have been there. I also was suicidal bc of this theme and there’s no words to describe how painful it was. But the good news is I’m managing it better now even though I do still have doubts—but not as nearly as bad as before. So I know you will get through this too with time. Your life is so worth living and you deserve to be happy, even though it doesn’t feel like it now. Trust me, you will get better and OCD won’t have a hold on you forever. I’m rooting for you, you got this ❤️‍🩹

Username: Twelve Squirrels in a TrenchcoatTwelve Squir...

Date posted: 1y ago

Okay, I know what you read was terrifying and very very triggering, but that person was not a therapist, not a psychologist, and NOT you. They cannot tell you what you are or aren't. I'm so sorry, I know the agony of something like this. But this was a random person in Quora vs decades of research by licensed professionals who study OCD and all its subtypes. Out of those two, who do you think is right? But OCD is OCD, it saw that and decided to grow it at you. I'm having a flare up right now and it sucks. But we're in this together. Take a breath and come back to this when you're more calm.

Username: InvaderXInvaderX

Date posted: 1y ago

This is literally a random unlicensed individual on Quora, versus the opinion of licensed professional with mounds upon mounds of proof that OCD can attach various themes and thoughts. Completely outrageous. One person’s life experience and (obvious) lack of knowledge over psychological disorders, doesn’t invalidate what you’re enduring. Please also keep in mind the dangers of seeking reassurance like this, you’re bound to come across triggering stuff. You’re okay, and you’ll be okay. Even if you were your worst fear, you still have a good life, and you can choose whether or not you want to act upon those feelings. But tbh, it’s quite obvious you suffer heavily from HOCD. But accepting the worst case scenario helps me a lot.

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.

Username: Fr0ggy

Date posted: 1y ago

HOCD thoughts are tiring 😓

Before anyone reads this please be aware that this can be triggering and some 18+ content is mentioned on here. So I have been recently experiencing HOCD, been experiencing it for a few weeks now (it’s very new to me and something Ive never dealt with). My whole life I have never liked a girl nor have I ever had a crush or fell in love with a girl like I do with men. But just like everyone whenever people get into heat sometimes we watch things to pleasure ourselves. Well for me it’s always been lesbian love and have been doing that for years. There have been times where I go “am I bi” but then I would try to imagine myself with a women sexually and romantically and I would just cringe at the idea of it so I would just tell myself that I don’t and just carry on with my everyday life. But a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about this and I explained to them that I am not bi because I would simply see lesbian love as something that I can relate to because of how women pleasure themselves can be relatable and because I said that my friend decides to make a comment saying ”idk maybe you are bi or not, you never know until you try” and for some reason that got in my head and for 2 weeks straight I was having non stop thoughts about my sexuality and trying to imagine myself with a girl and I would always cringe but there were times where it felt like “maybe I do want that” and I would panic again because I don’t want that and it’s not me but yet it feels like I’m lying to myself when I know deep down I’m straight. I also forgot to mention that I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s literally everything to me. But during those two weeks I had lack of sleep and constant mental breakdowns because I don’t wanna be bi and I would panic whenever I felt calm and say things like ”it’s okay to be bi just be bi” it also didn’t help that so many of my friends were telling me that nothing is wrong with being bi and to not drop the idea fully. Like I know sexuality isn’t wrong but I want to drop the idea because I myself know deep down I’m straight but ofc my brain goes “nope you’re just tryna convince yourself”. It also ruins me enjoying my relationship because of these thoughts (as well as some ROCD thoughts). Idk I am just struggling with letting the thoughts in and trying not to analyze them or act on them. It’s very tiring 🥺 Like even rn I feel calm having these thoughts and it freaks me out a lil cause it makes me think that it’s true 😭

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

Suspected HOCD

Sharing my story as I don’t know how to go on/to see if others can relate… I have been suffering with these thoughts for almost 5 months now, triggered by a very specific event. For context, I have only ever had crushes on girls/girlfriends and never had any sort of attraction to men - the vision I had of my future was always with a beautiful wife and kids. I have never felt compelled to have these crushes/visions, they just came very naturally. With that said, a very very small part of me was curious to maybe try and have sex with a guy just once to see what it was like. I never expected this to actually happen but it did, 5 months ago. Long story short, it was an experience I really really didn’t like or enjoy (I left halfway through), and I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with a man again. However, ever since, I have had debilitating intrusive thoughts about being gay and actually liking the experience even though I know deep down it’s not for me. I now get really anxious around the same sex (especially people I do not know) for fear of some sort of false attraction to them and find myself ‘noticing’ them more, which is causing significant distress. On the flip side, I feel like my attraction towards girls has diminished, which is just as if not more distressing, as I always found my attractions to girls happened often and naturally (I.e. not forced in the slightest). It feels like my life has been completely taken over and it feels so lonely sometimes. Any form of intimacy with a girl now feels like a mountain to climb - I’m scared that if I’m not 100% attracted to a girl instantly or enjoy intimacy 100%, that must be proof that I’m not straight. A lot of my time now is spent checking my previous sexual encounters for ‘proof’ that I’m straight but I have a crippling fear that I’m lying to myself and all the genuine attraction I have felt towards women must be a lie. Even though deep down I know I am straight, the thoughts feel so real and convincing. They seem to attack all the values/genuine visions of my life that I have, and I just want to return to being as carefree as I was before this whole thing.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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TW, (suicidal)

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