I have bad harm ocd for 4 years now. It feels like I am too far gone. That the thoughts have changed me and there’s no coming back. I am so scared because I feel like a shell of who I used to be. Now it just feels like harm is my destiny and I’ll never be able to snap out of it. I feel like I’m living a lie. And now I’ve met someone I really like, it just feels all the more real. I wish I never had these harm thoughts.
I'm so sorry. what I have to tell you is that, it passes. eventually one day all of this won't be as meaningful as it is now. I went through it, through harm ocd, and it was the worst time of my life. I had horrible thoughts 24/7, they never stopped, and I started to doubt myself and what I was capable of doing. but now, almost 2 years later, it doesn't affect me anymore, not as much as before. I learned to deal with my harm ocd and thoughts no longer scare me, because I know who I am and I know that my thoughts don't define me. you will get through this, i trust you. we all trust. ;)
@fabi. Thank you so much for responding. How long did you go through it? It just feels like the longer I have it, the closer I get to “snapping.”
@Catlove9 I’m literally going through this exact thing right now. It’s so difficult.
@Catlove9 Trust me . I have had this horrible thing for fifty plus years and I have never harmed anyone.
@Catlove9 i have ocd since i was 12 years old (now i'm almost 20), but i only started dealing with harm ocd in 2021, and i only got totally better in 2022. nowadays these thoughts are no longer a problem, i deal with them very well. but at the time (July 2021), i was really scared... also, I think that if I had sought professional help earlier, I would have gone through all of this in a much lighter and better way... I think that the longer you go without seeking help and treatment, the worse it becomes.
@fabi. I am in ERP but I think I haven’t totally let go yet.
@Anonymousalways Thank you. It’s so horrible. I’ve had OCD my whole life and then harm came right after a weekend of drinking and a false memory. So it made it feel like it was more than just ocd and I haven’t shaken it since.
I get how you feel. I used to feel this way as well. Harm OCD is the #1 that affected me the most and gave me so much trouble. I’ve dealt with harm OCD for almost 2 years now and it used to be incredibly overwhelming…I felt like I was never ever gonna get better and felt like I would forever feel this way. I ended up staying in my room all day just scrolling endlessly on my phone to distract myself from the thoughts. I couldn’t sleep. I lost motivation to do anything I loved. I felt lost and I didn’t even feel like me. I felt like I was someone else and was so terrified that, “what if” I go crazy and lose control. It’s an incredibly terrifying thing to go through and the feeling of it is devastating. The feeling that “what if” you’ll never ever go back the way you were or that this is who you are now is just OCD trying to pull you back into the ruminating. I too constantly told myself “I wish this never happened I wish I never had OCD and I wish I never had these thoughts” but I later realized, what is repeating this to myself even gonna do? And this is a hard thing to tell yourself and to realize that saying “I wish i never dealt with this” will not get you anywhere. You gotta get up and challenge the thoughts. We can’t just sit there and be inside our minds forever. And I know it’s very scary and it’s very difficult, but we have to keep challenging our OCD. What helped me get through this was I started back up on my routines, I started journaling about all of it just to organize my thoughts out. I wrote what my thoughts were, what triggered them and how to challenge them. I kept doing the things I liked even when I didn’t feel like it at all. I started to hangout with my family and friends again (I didn’t ever wanna be around them bc whenever I looked at them a thought would pop up of me hurting them and I’d run away.) but I stopped doing that and faced them. I started going on small walks and gave myself care of treating myself with something I like whether it being watching or playing a game that is comforting or a snack or drink! It was hard for me to care for myself because in my mind I had already convinced myself that I was a monster and felt like I didn’t deserve anything. But I had to pass this and do it anyway. We need to always take care of ourselves no matter what because staying inside our minds wishing this all never happened will just make it all worse. After doing all this I wanted to give up many times, but now I’m finally free. And I felt like I would never get here, but I did! And like I said, I know this is a difficult thing to do, but I know you can do it because you are strong even if you don’t feel like you are. I just want you to know you are incredibly loved and supported here and I wish you the best of luck💕
@Jo ^^ I cannot thank you enough for writing this all out. It is absolutely so helpful. I will say I have started doing things again, even though I don’t want to and it feels like I’m lying to myself. It’s a struggle but I force myself to do it anyway. I hope that helps soon. I also try to present jn the moment. But that’s not always helpful. It really sucks. I feel like I’m this monster. And then it morphs into, well maybe you want to do it. And it’s this endless and vicious cycle.
@Catlove9 I get that. I thought that too as well and it does suck…But I’m incredibly proud of you for trying to do treatment even if it may be small or big I’m still proud ❤️
I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁
harm ocd is the bane of my existence. people always tell me that if you have anxiety over a thought, that’s ocd. and these intrusive thoughts cause me IMMENSE anxiety. i’m constantly looking for reasons why i’m not what these thoughts tell me i am. but WHY DOES IT FEEL SO REAL?? it’s like i can’t reassure myself that this isn’t me and i don’t want to do it, but i also look for reasons why it’s not me. my brain is constantly telling me “if you don’t act on this, you’ll never feel free”. WHAT EVEN IS THAT?? and why does it feel real?? anytime i think about getting therapy, i constantly think that it’s not going to help me positively but help me realize i am this person. i just wish someone with harm ocd could get into my brain, understand me, and tell me everything will be okay. i wish someone in recovery could tell me that they’ve been where i am, felt the same feelings, thought the same thoughts, and got through it when they thought they wouldn’t. i feel like i’m drowning in it. another thing is i think about how my mom knows a surface level understanding to this form of my ocd, but if she knew it all, i’m scared she’d never look at me the same. i’m scared she’d be scared of me and think i need psychiatric help. IM TERRIFIED.
I have all kinds of thoughts that aren’t me it feels like someone is talking to me telling me evil things about people or to do evil things 😞😞😞😞 I can’t do this anymore
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