- Date posted
- 2y
I need insight
Please someone tell me if my boyfriend was trying to hurt me. Basically one time my boyfriend asked me if it was okay to record an intimate moment. I said yes as I genuinely wanted to be able to do so. I have anxiety around intimacy which he knows about. Anyways during the video I turn my head away at one point to say, “I’m shy” but I’m smiling. In the video, while he’s doing something for me and we’re both standing; I stop making out with him and he stops what he’s doing and I say “I’m shy bc of the camera” but I’m smiling and I’m still maintaining body contact. He kisses me again so again I say, “I’m embarrassed bc of the camera” but I say it in a baby voice like “I’m embawwsed bc of the camera” (I understand it’s cringey). Again I’m still smiling during this and I noticed that I slightly pushed against his wrist that was near my area for like a second. Literally a second and it’s a very slight movement. He smiles back at me and smirks and says “and”, which is something he says when he knows I’m insecure. Like if I say “what if I smell bad” or “I’m embarrassed of my shape” he’ll say “and?” And usually that’s followed by “i don’t care, I love you the way you are”. Anyways after I say that he goes back to what we were doing and I hesitate for a second before I kiss him back and put my arms around his neck. Does this sound like he hurt me ?? I don’t remember consciously pushing against his wrist at all; I didn’t even notice until I watched the video after this fear came up. and even watching back the video I didn’t realize I was saying I was shy so much. I know I was a little anxious of the camera but I don’t remember wanting to actively stop in that moment at all. I have no memory of feeling ignored or violated; I feel like maybe I wanted him to stop the camera but he didn’t get my hint which I can understand because I was smiling at him and speaking in our baby voice so I pushed on because at the time I didn’t know how to be vocal and clear about my needs. I know for sure if I had said, “hey can we turn it off” or “hey I’m not comfortable” he would’ve checked up on me. He always does. I really need help.