Struggling with triggers and confusion over sexual identity and attraction.

I consider myself recovered from this theme, though OCD never really goes away. It just morphs over and over again into new fears. Just wanted to say that we have very similar experiences and one way I work through these thoughts and sensations is accepting that my sexuality was always consistent prior to the OCD panic, and that OCD has a funny way of hyper focusing on sexual aspects like arousal and erotica. It's terribly difficult to overcome because it's such a nuance type. But it's possible, as I'm proof of getting better (not always 100% of course, but better than before). I'm also in my mid 20s, and it showed up initially very briefly when I was 16 or so, then again in my early 20s. It makes me feel solidarity knowing someone else has an "ebb and flow" relationship with this subtype. I notice some years I don't even obsess about it, and other years it's so hard to manage. Best of luck to you :)

@OCDismyMiddleName Yeah! That’s how I’ve been handling it too! With ERP therapy of course. There was about a 5-6year period in between the second “spike” and my most recent one which I’m recovering from now. I’ve had other themes too. Like when I was about to get married, I was suddenly convinced that I was a racist so therefore I couldn’t marry my wife (who is African) 😂 just came out of nowhere. And then when my son was first born, I was changing his diaper one day and using a wipe to clean up his mess down there, and my OCD hit me hard saying “what if you just touched him inappropriately and you liked it?” And “what if he comes back later in life saying you sexually abused him” and it was just as horrible and consisted of all the same symptoms. Though this entire time, since I first got it back when I was 15, I had no idea it was OCD. I just called it anxiety! Which it is an anxiety disorder. But I had all these super messed up intrusive thoughts and I wasn’t about to tell anyone what was on my mind. I was afraid of getting put into a mental institution or something. I’ve had harm intrusive thoughts about harming others and myself. So ocd has been around for a long time! I just never knew what it was. But the HOCD theme has hit me the hardest out of all of them. Though all are equally disturbing to me. Perhaps because that’s what I care about the most. Either way, it’s so nice seeing that everyone else on here is going through the exact same thing

@Scott328 I feel you there! I had awful ROCD for a few years, and sometimes it occasionally pops up but I can manage it. It was especially prevalent right before I married my husband, too! I'm super blessed to be working in the field now and I'm pursuing a PhD in Human Development and Family Science, I work specifically with OCD now. My participants are adolescents, and I'm hoping to find biomarkers and behavioral data to give us better therapy options. I've made it my mission to take this damned disorder down. It is a wretched experience to have this disorder and I'm sorry you went through all of those subtypes. You're definitely not alone. My first type was Harm OCD, and then POCD. It's awful. I've noticed anecdotally speaking, that OCD tends to cling to our limbic system primarily for themes (look up the 4 "F"s of the hypothalamus limbic system: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and fornication lol.) Almost all themes can be traced back to these categories in the broader sense. Anyway sorry for the scatter brained response! I tend to spiderweb when I get excited to talk to fellow sufferers about our brains. 😂 And yes, it's awesome to know we aren't alone in this. Always feel free to reach out for help. I sometimes wish I had a support group for couples/caregivers because it would probably help our S/O's understand our experiences better, too. I often forget how incredible our families are in all this. Most of them are fighting alongside with me. It's super important to have that support system.

But there are many stories of people who had no idea they were gay until they met the right person later in life😭 that's what triggers me, yes they say they never had a strong attraction to guys but I don't know maybe what I thought was attraction was comphet? I'm so tired

@polishgirl It's all irrelevant. Everything that it is trying to question is irrelevant. I can't say anything more otherwise I risk giving reassurance. :) You're both doing great though (@dafne56 too).

@Scott328 Hey I fully relate to this word for word you see your right lgbtq people know deep down that they are attracted to the same sex and they know when they are teens then they either come out or bottle it up till later but you can not change and if people say you can then they have always been that way end of story the end of the day we would not be questioning this if we never had that random out of no where thought you know what I am saying I have personally came to the end with this rubbish now we are all strong and can get over this be STRONG

@polishgirl I struggle with the same stuff. I try to just remind myself that maybe that means something about my sexuality and maybe it doesn’t. I also have intrusive thoughts/feelings that “I know deep down I’m not straight” but I just try to say maybe that’s true but I’m not going to try to figure it out right now.

Same, I'm convinced. It's horrible.

@dafne56 Your OCD will do this to you. It does it to all of us. When I read stuff online, at first it feels like an exposure, but then it turns into a compulsion and makes your OCD worse. That’s my opinion I guess and that’s what I’ve experienced. I remember looking stuff up online about people who’ve been in denial their whole lives and as I read it I was uncomfortable but I was like “wait a minute, this isn’t what I’ve been going through” which felt great at first. And it wasn’t me giving myself reassurance. It was a natural realization that I was different than those who actually are in denial. However, about 30 mins later, OCD came back in and put me in a choke hold and tried to convince me that I actually was in denial. Even though mine and these individuals experiences were so different from each other.

There are so many people who realized late their sexual orientation that I just can't see how my case is not denial. At this point I think it is.

@dafne56 I know the feeling. I'm currently experiencing it. "What if I'm just anxious about confronting this truth?" And sometimes it doesn't even comes as a question, it's just: "you already know what you are but you are denying it." And the thoughts go on. I feel sick.

@dafne56 For me it's worst, I had this since I was 13, so for me it's like maybe It was discovering and not OCD, like maybe it was never OCD and just the regular sexual wake up everyone has

@dafne56 Well do you find girls attractive and want to be passionate with them I bet you don’t it’s just your head playing games people that realised that you were gay knew from when they was teens but kept bottled you don’t change it’s one or the other just continue with your life and don’t let ocd dictate what you want

@quizz Absolutely right these thought are not us they are a mere illusion

@Anonymous You can do it bro stay strong

@Anonymous I’ve gone through the same thing! It’s so freakin tough! For me, it feels like my ocd is keeping me from being free and happy and who I wanna be. I don’t feel like myself at all. Recently I’ve started leaning into those intrusive thoughts a little bit which is scary at first, but ERP has helped me see that I don’t need to be afraid of the thoughts. So when I lean into them, I quickly realize that they go away much faster and have less weight. Or I’ll lean into the feeling I get when the intrusive thoughts arise. I’ll just say “this thought makes me really sad” and then move on with whatever I was doing.

@kyle g tucker Don’t give in man! It’s all a lie! Hang in there. It’s gonna get better.