I tried to do exposure by reading lesbian experiences, especially women who discovered late in life that they are lesbians, but I'm too triggered now. I'm crying and I'm having panic attacks. Also I've been obsessing a lot since Friday and yesterday I tested myself by looking at pictures of Maddy the euphoria's character and I felt a sort of attraction I don't know. I'm so tired, I can't live like this anymore.
Another thing I read was “being in denial is not about you being in denial to yourself that “no I’m not a different sexual orientation than I thought I was” it’s being in denial to everyone else around you but deep down inside you know that you’re whatever you’ve always been. Real LGBTQ people are in denial because they don’t want judgement, they don’t want to lose relationships with family members or whatever else, so they’re afraid of coming out as being LGBTQ because of that. However on the inside, they long to be with a member of the same sex while never really being into the opposite sex. From my own personal experience with SO-OCD, as a straight man, I’ve had crushes on girls my whole life. Before OCD came into my life, I never once questioned anything and was totally content with my sexuality. Then intrusive thoughts came into my head saying “what if you’re gay” and I suddenly was overcome with intense panic and the thought of not being attracted to women made me unbelievably sad. Not because of a fear of rejection or whatever, but because of a fear of being something different than I actually was! And so the OCD loop began. I’m 28 now, and this theme first introduced itself when I was about 15. And has come and gone 3 separate times since then. And I went through it twice without knowing it was OCD. And on the other end of these “spikes” I was still attracted to women. And these intrusive thoughts were not frequent. I’ve given TONS of reassurance to you guys, and I’m sorry for that, but I just want you to know that you are not alone and that it gets better. Because sometimes that’s what you need to survive the hour or the day. Hang in there guys.
I consider myself recovered from this theme, though OCD never really goes away. It just morphs over and over again into new fears. Just wanted to say that we have very similar experiences and one way I work through these thoughts and sensations is accepting that my sexuality was always consistent prior to the OCD panic, and that OCD has a funny way of hyper focusing on sexual aspects like arousal and erotica. It's terribly difficult to overcome because it's such a nuance type. But it's possible, as I'm proof of getting better (not always 100% of course, but better than before). I'm also in my mid 20s, and it showed up initially very briefly when I was 16 or so, then again in my early 20s. It makes me feel solidarity knowing someone else has an "ebb and flow" relationship with this subtype. I notice some years I don't even obsess about it, and other years it's so hard to manage. Best of luck to you :)
@OCDismyMiddleName Yeah! That’s how I’ve been handling it too! With ERP therapy of course. There was about a 5-6year period in between the second “spike” and my most recent one which I’m recovering from now. I’ve had other themes too. Like when I was about to get married, I was suddenly convinced that I was a racist so therefore I couldn’t marry my wife (who is African) 😂 just came out of nowhere. And then when my son was first born, I was changing his diaper one day and using a wipe to clean up his mess down there, and my OCD hit me hard saying “what if you just touched him inappropriately and you liked it?” And “what if he comes back later in life saying you sexually abused him” and it was just as horrible and consisted of all the same symptoms. Though this entire time, since I first got it back when I was 15, I had no idea it was OCD. I just called it anxiety! Which it is an anxiety disorder. But I had all these super messed up intrusive thoughts and I wasn’t about to tell anyone what was on my mind. I was afraid of getting put into a mental institution or something. I’ve had harm intrusive thoughts about harming others and myself. So ocd has been around for a long time! I just never knew what it was. But the HOCD theme has hit me the hardest out of all of them. Though all are equally disturbing to me. Perhaps because that’s what I care about the most. Either way, it’s so nice seeing that everyone else on here is going through the exact same thing
@Scott328 I feel you there! I had awful ROCD for a few years, and sometimes it occasionally pops up but I can manage it. It was especially prevalent right before I married my husband, too! I'm super blessed to be working in the field now and I'm pursuing a PhD in Human Development and Family Science, I work specifically with OCD now. My participants are adolescents, and I'm hoping to find biomarkers and behavioral data to give us better therapy options. I've made it my mission to take this damned disorder down. It is a wretched experience to have this disorder and I'm sorry you went through all of those subtypes. You're definitely not alone. My first type was Harm OCD, and then POCD. It's awful. I've noticed anecdotally speaking, that OCD tends to cling to our limbic system primarily for themes (look up the 4 "F"s of the hypothalamus limbic system: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and fornication lol.) Almost all themes can be traced back to these categories in the broader sense. Anyway sorry for the scatter brained response! I tend to spiderweb when I get excited to talk to fellow sufferers about our brains. 😂 And yes, it's awesome to know we aren't alone in this. Always feel free to reach out for help. I sometimes wish I had a support group for couples/caregivers because it would probably help our S/O's understand our experiences better, too. I often forget how incredible our families are in all this. Most of them are fighting alongside with me. It's super important to have that support system.
But there are many stories of people who had no idea they were gay until they met the right person later in life😭 that's what triggers me, yes they say they never had a strong attraction to guys but I don't know maybe what I thought was attraction was comphet? I'm so tired
@polishgirl It's all irrelevant. Everything that it is trying to question is irrelevant. I can't say anything more otherwise I risk giving reassurance. :) You're both doing great though (@dafne56 too).
@Scott328 Hey I fully relate to this word for word you see your right lgbtq people know deep down that they are attracted to the same sex and they know when they are teens then they either come out or bottle it up till later but you can not change and if people say you can then they have always been that way end of story the end of the day we would not be questioning this if we never had that random out of no where thought you know what I am saying I have personally came to the end with this rubbish now we are all strong and can get over this be STRONG
@polishgirl I struggle with the same stuff. I try to just remind myself that maybe that means something about my sexuality and maybe it doesn’t. I also have intrusive thoughts/feelings that “I know deep down I’m not straight” but I just try to say maybe that’s true but I’m not going to try to figure it out right now.
I’ve had similar experiences, it’s so tough when your thoughts start to make you question 😔
I’ve been through this. It can be horrific because it’s so much to consume. I tried doing this as well and it just made me convince I’m a lesbian but I don’t want to be. Even words like lesbian trigger me and I start spiraling out. Sometimes I’m convinced I’m a full blown lesbian living a lie. It could be tough but try your best sweetie
Same, I'm convinced. It's horrible.
@dafne56 Your OCD will do this to you. It does it to all of us. When I read stuff online, at first it feels like an exposure, but then it turns into a compulsion and makes your OCD worse. That’s my opinion I guess and that’s what I’ve experienced. I remember looking stuff up online about people who’ve been in denial their whole lives and as I read it I was uncomfortable but I was like “wait a minute, this isn’t what I’ve been going through” which felt great at first. And it wasn’t me giving myself reassurance. It was a natural realization that I was different than those who actually are in denial. However, about 30 mins later, OCD came back in and put me in a choke hold and tried to convince me that I actually was in denial. Even though mine and these individuals experiences were so different from each other.
You’re not alone
I know how it feels, specially the research and exposure, feels really awfull
There are so many people who realized late their sexual orientation that I just can't see how my case is not denial. At this point I think it is.
@dafne56 I know the feeling. I'm currently experiencing it. "What if I'm just anxious about confronting this truth?" And sometimes it doesn't even comes as a question, it's just: "you already know what you are but you are denying it." And the thoughts go on. I feel sick.
@dafne56 For me it's worst, I had this since I was 13, so for me it's like maybe It was discovering and not OCD, like maybe it was never OCD and just the regular sexual wake up everyone has
@dafne56 Well do you find girls attractive and want to be passionate with them I bet you don’t it’s just your head playing games people that realised that you were gay knew from when they was teens but kept bottled you don’t change it’s one or the other just continue with your life and don’t let ocd dictate what you want
I can relate 💯. At this point I cannot imagine doing that kind of exposure, as I’m already anxious enough as it is. So you’re definitely not alone! Those thoughts and doubts are really hurtful and everything but easy!
I can definitely relate! One thing that i learnt to shut the voice down is separating them from you "its their lives, not yours". Hope this helps, remember you're not alone!
@quizz Absolutely right these thought are not us they are a mere illusion
I've had this once when I was a teenager and it came back recently I did the same thing watching tik toks of people only realising at my age which triggered me but what I realised was this didn't cause them depression or extreme anxiety they just had to hide it so that put me at Ease I still find it hard but it's gettin a little more manageable
@Anonymous You can do it bro stay strong
@Anonymous I’ve gone through the same thing! It’s so freakin tough! For me, it feels like my ocd is keeping me from being free and happy and who I wanna be. I don’t feel like myself at all. Recently I’ve started leaning into those intrusive thoughts a little bit which is scary at first, but ERP has helped me see that I don’t need to be afraid of the thoughts. So when I lean into them, I quickly realize that they go away much faster and have less weight. Or I’ll lean into the feeling I get when the intrusive thoughts arise. I’ll just say “this thought makes me really sad” and then move on with whatever I was doing.
I fully understand the torment that this causes ERP is good I am currently waiting at the minute and it is hard to do this by my self but I will not give up and it sound like you have more control then before you had ERP I just wish that my thoughts would go back to the way they used to be I can relate 💯 it like it don’t want me to be happy when I got with a girl it started playing up really bad saying that I was kidding her and wasting my time it’s so demonic I swear in the end she cheated and that made it worse I have been so close to just giving in but at the end of the day I know deep down that wouldn’t be a good idea and also ocd isn’t happy with either answer so it’s just going to keep the doubt going I am glad to hear that you have control tho bro
@kyle g tucker Don’t give in man! It’s all a lie! Hang in there. It’s gonna get better.
If you’re looking through the lense of OCD, you’ll never find the answer to whatever you’re trying to figure out. But guess what? The question you have in your mind has only become relevant because OCD made you think it’s relevant.
My nana said I am going to go crazy and never get better because I naughty keep repeating the same thing over and over I went on gay porn last night to see if I would like it but as you probably would guess I didn’t and it made me gag and I was almost sick as well
I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.
Just got off the chat with my therapist. Immediately triggered by late bloomer lesbians who loved their SOs. I love mine but I can’t orgasm and I’m afraid I’m not turned on enough by him naked. I’m so so so so scared I need a woman to be satisfied or that eventually I’ll take action and be with one. I want to vomit but it almost feels like I’m turned on in my groin. I’ve been working through ERP but these types of stories are 100% a huge trigger for me
Just did a big exposure and watched a lot of “ I thought I was straight until x” videos of women in hetero relationships realizing they were lesbians in their 20s and 30s and I’m so scared and uncertain. I feel like I would actually be insane to have made up all the feelings I have felt for men consistently over the years, and I’m simultaneously afraid I’m bi and just don’t know/can’t figure it out. Today is hard and a day when I feel like I don’t have ocd and I might just be lying.
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