Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

Is an attempt to cheat something to confess?

About a year ago, 2 weeks into being official with my gf I drunk called a friend to pick me up to go hang at her place and I'm convinced it was an attempt to cheat, or at least to push things a little. My girlfriend knows about the call but doesn't think I was trying to cheat. Is an attempt to cheat something I should confess? Is it as bad as actually cheating? I feel confident I'll never actually cheat again because I've been so guilt ridden for a year and avoid any situations even remotely similar, but I'm worried I've already crossed the line. I would be devastated to lose my gf but I just can never focus on anything but this

Lavender.

Date posted: 2y

You're overthinking this, definitely. Sounds like OCD. Someone without OCD would have moved on without a second thought, it's in the past. Hang in there 🙏

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

That's what my friends say, that ultimately nothing happened so let it go, but I feel like if I told her she'd want to break up so that means it's bad enough :( Also continued to be close friends with this girl (distanced myself and no contact 2 months later) so I feel even worse.

Lavender.

Date posted: 2y

@Igraine I know this fear, but keep in mind that as you said, it's just what you feel might happen. It's anxiety over something that isn't real. I don't see the sense in telling her, it's just you attaching meaning to whatever silly thing you did one year ago.

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@Lavender. I just worry that it's not a silly little thing, what if the only reason I didn't cheat is because my friend didn't pick me up, that's horrible 😞

igetamped

Date posted: 2y

No. You said “you’re convinced” it was an attempt. You did not go there with the intent to cheat and you didn’t. Perhaps tell your gf that these are the thoughts your OCD thinks. Let her in your world a bit. Vulnerability is attractive.

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

If it was my intent, would that be something to confess??

KimPossiblee

Date posted: 2y

@Igraine i don’t think that was your intent

igetamped

Date posted: 2y

@Igraine I think that’s up to you. But it sounds like your OCD is making you think it. When I think about honesty in a relationship, I think about each person having all the information they need to make choices (esp stay or go). Am I withholding something that my partner would need to know in order to have autonomy in the relationship? If yes, air it out. They deserve to have choice. In this case, be easy on yourself. Your inner critic is beating you up. Remind yourself that you love her and want her in your life. Remind yourself that you are lovable. Remind yourself you are faithful. Call the OCD inner voice a liar out loud if you have to. It’s one of my favorite tools. Hope this helps. Take care of yourself today!

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@igetamped I really feel it was my intent, I've felt guilty about it since the morning after :(

mackattack0216

Date posted: 2y

hey. very similar situation on my end. you have to realize when you confess, it will soothe this thought yes. but another one will come. and another. until you drive her away. we’ll get through it. somehow. i know it doesn’t feel like it because it’s been this long. but just think, in 5 years, it wont be messing with you anymore.

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

i just worry, i feel like this is a confession I've been avoiding every other time i confess something, so maybe it is the one that would make things go away

mackattack0216

Date posted: 2y

@Igraine listen. i’ve confessed so many things thinking i could just be content and it go away if i confessed this one thought or action. i kid you not, it doesn’t take two seconds to go on to the next thought. it takes maybe a blink. and it doesn’t seem big at first but quickly becomes the only thing i can ruminate about.

mackattack0216

Date posted: 2y

@Igraine watch, we’re gonna marry these people

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@mackattack0216 that's such a sweet thought, i can't imagine losing her she's my everything, i think it's a big reason that i keep looking back at anything i could've done to lose her. but then i think maybe it isn't OCD, maybe I'm just avoiding it :(

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@mackattack0216 I'm afraid I'll marry her with secrets like this

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

It really doesn't sound like a violation of trust because in the end no action was taken, but as other commenters have said, it might be beneficial to your relationship to open up about your OCD struggles. And maybe also point your gf towards resources so that she can recognize reassurance seeking and confession compulsions to gently remind you if something seems OCD-related.

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

She is very supportive with ROCD, I've told her so many things, about my concerns with this, my fear of cheating, having basically cheated in the past. It's gotten to the point where she won't offer reassurance anymore and says she won't discuss it with me, but I worry if she knew these details she'd change her mind

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@Igraine by the past I mean in a different relationship when I was in college years ago

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Igraine I'm so glad your girlfriend is so supportive and knowledgeable about OCD! It sounds like the worry that she could change her mind that you're experiencing is an uncertainty that OCD likes to latch onto. I know it sucks (and I struggle to resist it too), but it's beneficial in the long run to try and resist the compulsions for as long as you can and sit in that uncertainty even though feels so unsettling and uncomfortable. Each extra minute you successfully resist it by is like an extra minute that you stared OCD in the face and say "you dont hold power over my happiness and my life." Each minute of resisting adds on to the testament of your strength and fortitude. And if you end up succumbing to the urge after trying your best to resist, that's ok as long as you dust yourself off and keep resisting it again next time. ❤️❤️

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I worry that I'm not compulsing, but just trickle truthing and lying to her, I feel so undeserving and angry at myself all the time

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I can't even focus on the things I used to enjoy for almost a year, it just dominates my mind constantly

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Igraine I'm sorry it's been causing that much anxiety for you... You don't deserve this suffering, nor does anyone. Unfortunately, the most effective way out is ERP, which in this case seems to be sitting in that fear of lying/lying by omission for as long as you're able to tolerate it. I know it sucks, but you can do this! As long as you resist to the best of your ability when you notice an urge to confess, you're making progress towards feeling better in the long run!

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I feel like if I tell her everything the fear will go away though, theres other things ive finally confessed to her before and now don't worry about, I feel like I'm using OCD as an excuse

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

Hi everyone, sorry about the freakout yesterday, was definitely reassurance seeking again :( My therapist advises me not to because I was drunk and the details of that night aren't clear, and even so nothing ultimately happened, so to let it go. It's hard, but I'm going to try and start fresh again today, just wanted to say thanks for the support!!

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

No need to apologize to any of us! In terms of reassurance seeking, pretty sure everyone on this platform has been there before. (I know I have ~many~ times, lol.) It's great that you were able to recognize it so that you can resist it today. You're strong and you've got this! 💖💖💖

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Feeling so guilty still but trying to just believe my therapist and trust the process and just sit with it, thanks for the support 🤗

Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y

All my friends disagree with me, and say I wasn't emotional cheating either and even confessed to her, but I feel like she doesn't know all the details, and everything online or on reddit or quora says otherwise. I feel like I'm just lying to her. I want to be happy, I do my best to be good to her and I love her so much. I feel like I'm using OCD as an excuse at this point, I'm losing it I can't keep going on like this. Every moment I have alone to myself I'm crying or dissociating or ruminating I'm so exhausted

Lillo2000

Date posted: 23w

Confession compulsion

I’ve been feeling the compulsion of confession again. I hate confessing things to my boyfriend I don’t want him to carry the burden. I’d rather hurt than him hurt. But I feel I did something wrong and he needs to know. Like I need to be punished or something. I may be over reacting to it but I just feel guilty and I had a panic attack when I woke up yesterday. I would never cheat on him. Just making guys laugh I feel like I am doing him wrong or flirting. And then when I notice it I just feel awful. I just want to be liked and noticed not romantically but just as a human. I don’t know why I act like this and feel the need to tell him as if I slept with someone. I think it’s attacking my biggest fear which is losing him. Does anyone have experience with this?

Dalia H.

Date posted: 22w

Is this cheating? Really worried and stressed!

I was at a house party a month ago and everyone was taking photos of silly moments. I took two photos that had an attractive person in them. I deleted the photos a few days later because I felt guilty and anxious that I had taken them. I keep ruminating and thinking about my intentions. I do believe I took them because they had an attractive person in them. I worry that this makes it count as cheating. I am very very open with my partner and I tend to constantly confess things like this to him. I have confessed so many things to him, and he always holds the same stance: he believes that fantasizing and crushing is okay. He said he has had his own crushes and he said “fantasizing is nice as long as it stays a fantasy.” I agreed. I told him about my crush and how anxious I was about it and how I was afraid that it was emotional cheating. He told me that it really doesn’t matter and that it’s only wrong if it’s physical cheating. I should note that I have taken VERY VERY good care to never even attempt to become friends with this person. I’ve seen them a handful of times at group gatherings but I never ever message them on my own, I ignore all their messages in a group chat because I don’t want to give them special attention, I never even speak to them in person unless they speak to me first. We are barely even friends. He said he doesn’t need to know what goes on in my head and as long as an action seems innocent to an outsider, it’s not cheating and he doesn’t need to know about it. One time I confessed an action where I also felt like my intentions were wrong, and he told me “Who cares about intentions? It’s outcome that matters.” My therapist also told me not to worry about these actions. He said that if I keep ruminating on whether an action is right or wrong, I should just try to sit with the discomfort and not confess. He told me that if an action were really wrong, I would KNOW it intuitively and “my body would push me to confess.” I’m just so worried sick about this. Do I confess or not?

str4berrycoo...

Date posted: 19w

stupid things i did when i was an older teenager

since one of my biggest fears/events of my reocd happened (not the way i thought it would happen!) i've been healing and understanding a lot of things (like the fact i was the one being abused in my old relationship) but thanks to that my ocd has been trying to launch on a new event and i don't know. i was in a cut and off relationship with my ex three years ago, this happened when i was an older teenager and really confused. during the time i cut off momentary with him i started to get compliments and cute messages in an anonymous confession page and used to post them replying in a playful way or just with genuine curiousity. the thing is, i got with my ex once again in secret for the last time but honestly i'm realizing lately that i didn't love him anymore and being with him made me feel terrible but i wasn't strong enough to leave him once for all. i didn't tell any of my friends about this because they hated him (for a good reason) and i was also disappointed on myself for this. he pushed me a lot make it public and i would say to him a lot of times that i wasn't sure. the thing is, that i still got that type of messages on that anonymous confession page and still publish them on my profile while being with my ex in secret, but eventually i stopped doing that. then i finally left my ex (was horrible). but since what happened to me, i cant stop thinking if that was cheating – it was cheating? i'm not sure anymore and i feel like im going to have a relapse.

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